Sunday, January 17, 2010

Real Life Palindromes

Palindromes are these perfectly bogus little linguistic constructs that read the same backwards and forwards. They irritate me. They think they're soooo cool!

Fuck you, palindromes! And Uoy Kcuf, too!

In the real world, things never work out quite so sweetly as they do for these sheltered, elitist, $10-a-bottle-wine-drinking1, liberal (probably) East Coast (most likely) palindromes.

So HERE are some REAL WORLD palindromes for you. 

WARNING: These, being REAL WORLD palindromes — not hoity-toity Ivory Tower ones — are harsh, disturbing and pointless2. They also are not, strictly speaking, palindromes because they don't quite read the same backwards as they do forwards, but that's merely me showing my contempt for that arbitrary palindromatical "rule" — FUCK YOUR RULZ, palindromes!

Okay, now without further ado, The Real World: Palindromes:
A man, a plan, a 'canal' — anal sex! Aw, come on, honey, I'll be gentle ... O, I see. You have a headache tonight. Again. Typical ...

Able was I ere I saw Avatar —  after seeing which I became nerdishly obsessive about it — painting myself Smurf-blue and getting all 'Na'vi' this and 'Pandora' that, etc. —  and now my friends have all abandoned me, calling me an 'Avatard', which they helpfully explained is a subset of the group known as 'Fucktards'.

Able was I ere I saw Elmo —
(The lament of people with kids under 4 who just don't have the time or energy to go see Avatar, but are forced to watch Sesame Street 10 times a day. In The Real World: Palindromes these foax are vastly superior to the Avatards, who, as noted above, are just Fucktards with blue faces who think they can speak a non-existent language from some non-existent moon.)

Madam, I'm Adam and that bulge in my fig-leaf is not a gun ... I think it means I'm happy to see you.

A slut nixes sex in Tulsa? NOT ON MY WATCH! I'm a man with a plan about a 'canal' and I'm willing to pay extra to see my plan come to fruition! So GIVE IT UP, slut!

Dennis and Edna sinned — because Dennis was a man with a plan who is more persuasive than I am, lucky bastard.
End Real World: Palindromes.
Yesterday, I ran 11.53 miles in 1:51:20, which is a 9:41 pace. This is not too shabby because, for the first time in month, the run included a climb up the foothill of the Schmatterhorn about 2 miles into the run. I did it without any pain to either knee, merely having to endure the usual searing pain in my lungs from running beyond my sucktastic abilities. But that's okay — I'll live.

Now I am actually thinking about attacking the Schmatterhorn itself, which I have not done in probably more than a year — this is eiother stupid or heroic. Possibly both.

Note to self: Come up with inspirational palindrome for summiting the Schmatterhorn.

Also, for the first time since the Turkey trot in November, I'm thinking of entering another race — possibly in February. Nothing big — a 5k.

We'll see.
Now, here's "I Am The Walrus" from the Beatles. More nonsense verse, is why.

Supposedly, the "Eggman" was a reference to Eric Burdon of the Animals who allegedly got off on breaking eggs on women during orgies. What a weird fetish! If a Slut in Tulsa nixed sex with him, I would totally support her decision.

1 Ten dollars?! What? Are these palindromes made of money?! Plus, bottles? REAL wine comes in boxes, you sadistic, self-important bastards, and REAL AMERICANS shun that, even, vastly preferring beer, which also comes in boxes (called "cases"), in side of which are bottles. So everybody in the packaging (and landfill) industry's happy.

To sum up my point, buy beer. Unless your name is like Bob or Otto or Lil or something — then go ahead and buy your stinking elitist wine! I want you to! Because I peed in it.

2 Because that's how I'm keepin it real, yo.

1 comment:

  1. what do you call a camel with two front ends and no back end?

    a palindromadary

    a friend of mine [here's where i'd footnote and tell you all about this guy in a funny fashion] and i enjoy the pastime of coming up with repetitive words and working them into sentences, i.e. "salad" sal, ad salad to my dinner order. "subdude" my very reserved friend in the navy works with the undersea warfare department. he is a very subdude sub dude.