Sunday, March 21, 2010

For Realz Guest Post by QuixDraw* McSteve

* Title FN: That's what she said.
What follows is a Guest Post by QuixDraw McSteve. If you find any of the content objectionable, leave your ruthlessly condemnatory comments at HIS blog. Remember: Your comments will be graded based on their lack of ruth.
As I tried today to reconcile my love of fudge-making and -eating with my need to drop 10 lbs before my next ultra on the planet Xorax, I was reminded of the famous Marburg Colloquy between Ulrich Zwingli and Martin Luther in 1529. They were meeting to see if they could resolve their differences over the meaning of the Biblical phrase hoc est corpus meum, which Luther took to mean that the communion bread really, literally was the actual Body of Christ; whereas Zwingli thought the bread merely symbolized the Body of Christ. It is said that as the two men sat down at the meeting table, Luther put his index finger on the table's surface and slowly wrote the word "est" — "is" — in the thick dust, thus revealing his position that nothing less than Zwingli's complete acceptance of the doctrine of consubstantiation would make Luther willing even to begin to acknowledge Zwingli's presence.

Needless to say, the meeting did not go well.

And this is just my usual Quixdraw McSteve way of saying that my eating of fudge and my hope to lose 10 pounds cannot — like Zwingli and Luther and the issue of consubstantiation — be reconciled. I truly wish there were an easier and less obscurely erudite way for me to make this point, but there is not.

I once wrote a joke for a stand-up comedian friend based on this Apocryphal Marburg Colloquy Anecdote, and he later told me he used it but it didn't exactly kill. This did not surprise me, given the fact that there are, by my unscientific estimate, roughly 12 people in the world who would get the reference, and the likelihood of any of them being in the crowd that night roughly nil. And even if one had been, the likelihood that he'd be the one who speaks English would be less than nil. And even if the one who understood English had been in the crowd, he would not have laughed because I told him this joke already.

For the record, he laughed his ass off the first time he heard it. "Est!" he repeated. "Ha Ha Ha Ha! That est rich, QuixDraw!"

I am thinking if I really want to lose that 10 lbs in time, I'll just have to quit eating solid food for the next month, which, for me, should be a snap, since I'm certifiable and I enjoy hurting my body. For instance, while typing this very post, I, at various times, dislocated, then relocated, one of my hips and both of my shoulders. I learned long ago how to dislocate my shoulders — it's the only surefire way to get out of a straitjacket, which I have, on occasion, had to do. Dislocating his shoulders is also how Erik Weisz used to do this. And no, I'm not going to tell you who Erik Weisz was — I'm going to assume you already know; and if you don't, you're hopelessly ignorant. Read a dusty, rare, two thousand year old book every once in awhile, ignoramus!

Today I ran 9.36 miles at a 9:18 pace, which would be pretty impressive if I were a luuuuzer like Glaven, but given that I'm Ultra Man QuixDraw McSteve, that is just an awful performance.

I will now go and see how many of my joints I can dislocate at once as punishment for my terrible training run.


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. G, I removed your racist, sexist, heightist, white supremacist, bestialityist, etc.-ist comment. But I made sure to characterize it as racist, sexist, heightist, white supremacist, bestialityist, etc.-ist first for the benefit of anyone who might not have seen it.

  3. So far, there's only one entrant in the contest, so it looks like you can't be a loozer any longer! The joke didn't work because of confusion between consubstantiation and transubstantiation - and we all know it's jokes about Melanchton's rewriting Luther that kill.