Friday, March 19, 2010

Friday Rant: I HATE Club Penguin!

Ian got hisself banned from Club Penguin the other day. For life. Of course, he didn't do anything wrong. Because I asked him and he said, "No, Daddy, I didn't!" Big tears welling in his eyes and all.

Yeah, see, Ian, a few days before this, had been saying how some kids on CP get around the "No Bad Words" rule by writing "asssssss" etc., but of course Ian himself (I asked) would never do such a thing!

CP being a Disney scam, they, of course, take the family-friendly "no cursing" rule pretty seriously. More seriously than they do, say, the more meaningfully family-friendly policy of not outsourcing the production of your Movie Tie-In Happy Meal tchotchkes to Third World countries that force eight-year-olds to work 14-hour shifts for pennies an hour making those plastic princesses and frogs. Because why should Disney take that policy seriously? IT'S NOT ONE OF THEIR POLICIES!1!

Hahahahahahah! Joke's on YOU, poor Asian kids! Life's tough working for the owners of Teh Happiest Place on Earth! If you wanted meaningful human rights you should have been born an American Corporation! Sux for you that you weren't!

Anyroad, of course Ian thought he could get away with writing "asssss" for "ass" and he got caught. It was his third strike, so he got banned — 4EVAH!1! He finally admitted that's what he did. He didn't expect to get banned because his other two strikes on CP were unrelated to bad language use, I think.

And so Ian has proved himself a real Heisenberg in two ways:

First: I, too, thought there was no way anyone would figure out what I was talking about when I wrote about my n*ts@ck, but I suspect some of you have sussed out what that really refers to.

Second: Teh 'Mom would get these chest pains, which like months later we'd find out were heart attacks. After the first one, we were like: "Mom, when you get those pains, STOP hanging the laundry out to dry, because that's not helping; and get to the hospital."

So the next time Teh 'Mom had those pains, she'd just "rest" (we'd find out later) till they "went away". And we'd be all "Dubya Tee Eff, Mom! What did we say before about teh chest pains?" And she'd be all, "O, this time I didn't hang out laundry. I did ironing after I felt better."

And so to Teh 'Mom's way of thinking, the previous warning  about heart attacks didn't apply because, see, THIS time, there was no laundry-hanging involved. Therefore it couldn't have been a heart attack! QED.

And Teh 'Mom eventually died of a heart attack.

So since Ian's two previous strikes were for something different, there was no way he could see that third strike as being the third. Due to rampant Teh 'Mom logic.

That there above is a beer I had to buy when I saw it because it is a He-Brew: Teh Chosen Beer. Specifically, a Messiah Bold Brown Ale. I would certainly choose it again! It goes great with matzos and foreskins.

The two pix above are Ian's latest drawings. (I spared you the one that consisted of a small penguin followed by the words  "I Hate hate hate ... etc. Club Penguin!" — and yes, the "hate"s filled up the whole page; because, you see, it was Club Penguin's fault Ian was banned.)

The first depicts Ian's daily dilemma: Video Games or Math. But doing math wastes paper and hurts Mother Earth. So ... dilemma solved.

The second is Ian's take on Lady Gaga's boyfriend ... whoever he is. Ian's class is obsessed with Lady G. to the point that his teacher has forbidden them to speak of her in class.

Ian forced me to download "Paparazzi" and now he listens to it all the time and sings along.

I asked him if he knew what "paparazzi" meant. He said yeah, they're little cockroaches.

His best friend is this Mexican-American kid who lives across the street and it took me a while before I realized that Ian was getting paparazzi confused with cucaracha.

Or not. They're pretty much the same.
Congratulations (of sorts) are in order for carpe viam — no, not because I am anticipating she'll BQ at her marry this weekend, but rather because she is, O, let's just say the ONE MEEEELLIONTH blogger to ban (or partially ban) me. Because over the past two days, I left — actually, tried  to leave, is more like it — like FIVE comments on her blog, and her blog EATED EVERY SINGLE ONE!1! Innocent glitch? Pfffttt! I wasn't born yesterday!

And, speaking of born, good luck getting child support out of me now, CV! Talk to my lawyer — assuming his comments don't get EATED by your blog! You're worse than SteveQ, who had a short-lived fetish for deleting my comments from his blog and still, to this day, deletes whole posts of his merely because I've commented on them1!
6.36 mile run this morning at a sub-9 minute pace! Woo-hoo!
1 I have no proof that that is the reason he deletes these posts, but ... Wait! I do have Faux News Proof! It's true because I just reported that it was! But what we really wanna know here at Faux Blog is ... why is SteveQ carrying out the Obama Administration's Radical Socialist Agenda of Curbing Free Speech? Also, is Obama the real father of carpe viam's love child1a, with Glaven being set up as the Fall Guy like that fuckhead former John Edwards adviser who just wrote a book called I Was Teh Father of John Edwards' Love Child!1!

Also, was Obama the father of the father of the guy who was the father of John Edwards' Love Child? I've heard rumors that he was and so my repetition of those rumors is proof it's true!

1a Also, is he "better endowed" than I, cv? You know what I mean! When, O, when will Democrats learn the truth of what Republicans live with every day - smaller is better?


  1. I for one am horrified at the resurgent, (dare I say rampant) exercises in Bowdlerization and zero tolerance happening these days. Ass is a perfectly legitimate English word. As is bitch and cock. Who knows what lewdness those petty little minds would make of onager? Or cockaigne, or embracery, or wenis? Thought control, that's what it is! Shades of 1984 and all.

    The petty little minds of authority LIKE the zero tolerance rules because they don't have to think, they don't have to compare, they don't have to judge, and best of all they don't have to take responsibility. Just the ticket for them, and old fashioned librarians (QUIET!!!) And the TSA. Same idea.

    Maybe you should mention to Ian, Marx's (Groucho not Karl) theory about clubs one might want to belong to.

    I don't even know who Lady Gaga is, let alone her boyfriend. And I'm PROUD of it, dammit! Please don't relieve my ignorance on this topic. And the paparazzi ARE pretty much the same as cockroaches, (and there's another word they'll pounce on soon), except I'm sure cockroaches are more useful.

    As for having no standards of decency for my blog commenters, I refute it. I insist they post in English. You can say what you want, but you have to say it in English and take responsibility. Unlike Amurika I run a free and open shop here. Anybody can come, and comment. I have a strong predilection for witty and elegant comments, but I'll settle for one or the other. In fact, I'll even settle for half witty comments (1), semi-witty, and even (though it is a stretch) demi-witty.

    Given the last couple years, I'm suspecting Obama is actually HG Bush's love child by J. Edgar Hoover. I have to say that I'm very disappointed in Obama's failure to rescind the dictatorial Bush Doctrine, and restore the rule of law to Amurika. He's giving our politicians IDEAS, and we know that's bad. Bad with a capital B.

    I have been pondering the origins of the name fourinoneblog. Clearly this is one blog to capture the blither from four separate threads of the GQH life (such as it is). (And probably in the darkness bind them, implying a level of debauchery seldom dreamed of in the annals (and there's another word) of blog-itude.) What could the four things be? If he was smart, it would be Teh Bride, Teh Ian, Teh Heisendad, and Teh Heisenbro. But these have erratic mention at best, so we need to move along (move along, move along, nothing to see here (the mantra of the police state of mind control) (2)) My suspicion, based upon a thorough frequency analysis of the published writings, is that the four things are n*ts@ckery, beer, thoughtful commentary (4), and running (such as it is.)

    Given my background in usability testing, and my observed inadequacies of Wordpress, I think you slander poor Carpe. There's some mindcontroling piece of software in wordpress that is hijacking your thoughtful commentary.

    Your rant isn't bad, as rants go. It's coming along. Keep working on it.


    (1) Which reminds me of a witty exchange in a Randall Garrett novel.
    (2) How about THEM apples, buddy?! A footnote within a parenthetical parenthetical comment. This is what you always hear the cops saying when there's something going on they don't want us (the ubiquitous us) to know about. The proper response should be to get out a video camera, or at least take photos with your cell phone.(3)
    (3) And who ever asked for a camera to be built into a cell phone?? Not me! (and a footnote *within* a footnote! Am I good or am I good?)
    (4) I reference the work of PDQ Bach in support of this theory.

  2. Ummmm.... I'm not gonna bother reading that post. I'll just assume you said something mean about me, sort of like I assumed a mortgage on my house. And yes, that's legitimate extension of the word "ass."

  3. My little brother (he's three, for reals) does the whole video dance routine to 'Paparazzi'. It's terrifying and hilarious at the same time.

  4. @Xenia: Not as terrifying or hilarious if he's still doing it 10 years from now! Your family must be like mine: my brothers were having kids before I was born - a real generation gap!