Thursday, March 18, 2010

Help Make A Girl Feel Pretty!1!

There's something that really has a tendency to get on my tit and today's post is going to be something of a rant against that something. And that something is when someone — a friend — asks for help, indeed cries out for it, but the people who hear the cries? Yeah, all they do is say, "Good luck with that!"

Pffftttt! You call that help?

Just such a plea for help came rumbling out of the Tar-Shack-bedimpled Pineys of South Joisey yesterday, when Country Bumpkinauxpina toyBuNz — who ain't never been to Teh Big City — admitted that she somehow got herse'f uh INvite to uh fancy-schmancy Big City Wedding where the two people gittin' hitched were not only not already related to each other, neither was in his/her early teens. Plus the bride-to-be's dowry did not include livestock of any kind, so we're talkin' classy here.

coyFuN bravely admitted to the 228 people1 who read her blog that she don't own no fancy weddin' frocks because who wears a frock to a ceremony whose reception is going to have a menu of pulled pork and whose activities will include chasin' a greased pig and ketchin' it and somebody better ketch it or there won't be no pulled pork!?1!? (Because those are the kind of weddings she's used to attending. BYOB, affairs (Bring Your Own Bib).)

And so like all the uncaring commenters on her blog merely said, "Hey, good luck with finding a dress, there, Ellie May, and don't fergit to take a dip in the SEE-ment pond, if there's one available."

This struck me as heartless and cruel.

Real friends would do something about finding elliemayRuN a fer realz dress. But since her real friends didn't do it, I guess it's up to me.

Now our first candidate is this here little number:
A nice bright red number that j'R really rocks, doncha think? And let's face it: You don't have to be a Loony Sarah Palin-lovin' Wingnut2 to know that chix with guns are HAWT. Even portly chix. (Lay off the pulled pork and boiled missionaries, there, joyRuN, because you look like you might explode outta that thing. And it's bad taste to do that at a wedding because it's supposed to be the bride's day.)

Next up: This little number, made entirely of dead frogs:
The blonde pageboy haircut makes Ms. RuN look like she should be putting her finger in a dike3. This number makes a statement, viz., "Lookit all teh frogs I done kilt so's I could have me a dress! I also burned down a whole rain forest, just because I could!"

Finally, there's this classic:
I dunno if Ms. joyRuNway is making her way up or down the food chain with this lovely swan-gown, but the point is, by wearing it? She's flipping everyone the bird — especially Good Taste!

If you want to help joyRuN find a dress, why don't YOU upload a picture of what you think she should wear to YOUR blog.

Be part of the solution for once, instead of part of the problem4!

Oboy, oboy, oboy!1! I cannot wait to read SteveQ's review of the Fauxlipina Fashion Awards!1! He can be such a bitch!
O, man, now that I've done all this dress work? Maria isn't  the only one who feels gay!

1 Thanks for the numerical info, little Google Reader "show details" noogie!

I don't wanna brag, but that noogie also tells me that mine own humble blog is up to 12 subscribers (11 if you don't count my subscription to it) and so EAT IT!1! moribund and abandoned blogs that no one has posted anything to for over a year, because I have almost as many subscribers as you!1! O, yeah! I'm nonchalantly sniffing and manually adjusting the ol' 's@ckal package right now, because I'm a BIG DEAL!1!

2 Just what the fuck is it gonna take to bring you outta hiding, Dr. Super Runner? Because frankly, if this taunt doesn't work, I give up. I took Sarah Palin's name in vain!1! Time for you to get all tea-baggy about it!1! What are you? A liberal?!1?

3 (But remember to ask first because she could be seeing someone already.)

4 Unless we're talking about j'R's emotional well-being because if you upload a picture of her in a ridiculous dress? Yeah, guess what? You're part of the problem.


  1. You nailed it with #3...

    and by nailed it, I mean you hit the goose square between the eyes with minimal damage to the body. Therefore making a dress with a carcass very chic....

  2. You are LUCKY I didn't get to see this until today!!!

    PS - I look especially hawt in that swan gown.