Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Updates On Updates - UPDATED! Now With 33% More Updatedness!1!

First off, Teh 'Dad:

He's doing much better and he so appreciates your expressions of concern that he's made all of you honorary Catholics — you know, like Shakespeare1.  As I've explained elsewhere, Teh 'Dad was granted this special power to give Catholic Field Commissions during Vatican II. (I think it was a rider on the Bill that made it legal to say the Mass in the vernacular.)

Anyroad, it seems Teh 'Dad is suffering from nothing more than a common UTI; and he may go home as soon as today.

When I got there to visit with him yesterday afternoon, he'd just finished his lunch — all except for this ginormous bowl of peas.

"You're looking especially tall today," sez Teh 'Dad as I entered the room tall-ly.

"You better eat those peas if you wanna grow up to be like me, then," I sez.

"O, I don't want to be like you!" quoth Teh tiny tiny tiny  'D.

See? He's fine, because he can still make me cry within three lines of "friendly" dialog.
A certain Sand-Based-South-Joisey Piney-Dwelling Missionary-Munching2 Pretender to Teh Hoarder Throne is apparently having a difficult time conceding defeat to Teh Pile Queen Known As Teh 'Bride.

I didn't want to have to break out the Big Guns, but here you go:

Yeah, I took that picture yesterday afternoon when I got back from visiting Teh 'Dad. And yeah, it's the very same piece of shit kitchen sink that Teh 'B. "liberated" from a neighbor's trash heap what? A year ago? (I posted about it back then, but some n*ts@ck-fondling fucktard deleted ...etc.)

WELL IT'S STILL FUCKING THERE! Right by our shed. Teh 'Bride has conceded that it is beyond reclamation now (in my view, it always was) but ... there on our property it remains to this very day!

So, again, Pretender to Teh Throne, I say EAT IT!1! Eat it as if it were a tender Mormon Missionary3! When it comes to hoarding/piles, Teh 'Bride has no match!
Today is St. Paddy's Day and St. P. is credited with driving all the snakes out of Ireland. But this is not, strictly speaking, true because when it comes (that what she said!) to trouser snakes, we Irish are still — shall we say — pretty well-endowed.

Nice try, though, St. Pat!

5.4-mile run this morning with — finally — a decent pace. 8:48. And by "decent", I mean "decent for my slow @$$."
1 Yeah, and believe me, it'll be easier for all concerned if you just accept this "honor", whether you be Greek Orthodox Apostate, Grouchy Low-Church Rapture-Awaiting Protestant, Beaver-Animal-Spirit Worshiping Kanadian, First-Cousin-Fucking Snake-Handler, or Boiled-Missionary-Eating Fauxlipina Heathen ("Here, try some Mormon!1! They're nearly hairless and sooooooo tasty — especially the tenderloin!"), because, man, you thought Teh Mafia made offers you can't refuse? Teh 'Dad is worried about your immortal soul, so really, don't eff with him and his one-time offer of Eternal Salvation.

You do wanna be with Shakespeare when you die, right? Be careful, then, because you could end up going to the place where Christopher Marlowe is spending eternity1a!

1a Teh 'Dad's rebuttal of Teh Marlowe-Never-Died-And-He-Was-Really-Shakespeare "theory": "Pffffftt!"

2 Yeah, I know "missionary-munching" sounds like some variation on a Vatican-approved sex position, but it's not.

Or should I say "not .... yet".

3 But eat around Teh Latter-Day Taints because no amount of boiling makes them taste like anything other than taint.


  1. But this is not, strictly speaking, true because when it comes to trouser snakes, we Irish are still — shall we say — pretty well-endowed.

    First-Cousin-Fucking Snake Handler

    Hold ON.

    Are you saying...Carolina John handles your trouser snake?

  2. A sink.

    Your "Big Guns" is that sink.

    Puh. Leeze.

    (Very glad to hear Teh 'Dad is feeling better.)

  3. Don't make me post pictures of my junk piles! I just threw out eight pairs of skis and poles, including WOOD skis - which went out with indoor plumbing (and no, I'm not exactly sure of the connection there), just to get to my pile of globes that have countries like Betchuwannaland (or something like that) and Portugese Congo.

    BTW, not waiting for the rapture; my protestantism includes protesting against protestantism.

    BTBTW, Shakespeare's plays were written by Fletcher and Beaumont and Fortensky.

  4. Didn't the Doors sing "Rider on the Bill?"

  5. So I made the list for honourary Catholic, eh? pffft!! is what I say. I might be a pervert, but I only perv grown up's. So despite Teh Dad's offer, it won't fly. (hahahaha)

    Besides, the Vatican hasn't got around to approving sex, yet. Oh, sure, they sort of approve of having babies, but their idea of how that happens is almost more perverted than anything GQH on LSD could come up with. But anything the rest of us mostly normal grownups might get up to for recreation is RIGHT OUT as far as the Vatican is concerned.

    Boiling any of 'em you need a special apparatus to skim off the sanctimonious priggishness that roils off them with the application of heat. By the time that is taken care of, all that's left is bone(head), some residue aching carnal desire, a load of guilt, and a core of stupidity. Not good eating, when there are redheads (carpet matching drapes or not) and chocolate, and, (oops, I see Glaven's blood pressure going up, better end this now.)

  6. So glad Teh 'Dad is on the mend.

    Don't know how I feel about being an honorary Catholic though. Considering how many popeners I've peddled, I'm pretty sure that's a one-way ticket to Hell in your religion. I'll take a pass, but I appreciate the sentiment.

  7. we don't talk about cousin-fucking round here.

    and the TITS the snail is referring to is Time In The Saddle - or riding the bike. an actual, upright bike. not some pussy recumbent thing.

    Glad teh Dad's feeling better! Happy St Patrick's day. You're right, us irish are typically well endowed. Why did you have to go and break that stereotype too? pfffffftttt!!!