Thursday, March 25, 2010


The 12 of you who read this blog1 know that I promised, at the end of my last post, to tell Teh Saga of Teh 'Bride and Teh Frenchman Who Made Her For To Swoon Using Nothing But His Suave French Accent. But here's The Thing2: There is still much to tell about this event — i.e., this funeral and consequent Meeting Up With Heisenberg Family Members Whom We Had Not Seen In A Long Time (Or Ever) — that took place in my life two days ago. And I didn't manage to tell the whole story yesterday, and so now a whole other story-filled day has passed in my life but here I am tied to telling the rest of the story from two days ago, which I fully intend to do, but doing so might take me this present post and at least one more and so now I have like all these subsequent Heisenstories to tell and they're just kinda circling in the aether like planes around O'Hare Airport on a busy day — like, say, the day of Teh Annual Trannies, Chiropractors 'N' Canadians Convention, which is held in Chicago every year about this time and is probably why Dr. Nic hasn't posted in awhile3, because he's Teh Keynote Speaker, is why.

And so but now I think I kinda understand how the fictional character Tristram Shandy felt when, at one point in telling his life's story, he stops to calculate how long he'd have to live past his own death to finish telling his own story because of all the digressions he's indulged in because the novel is One Big Digression, kinda like this "running" blog of mine. And I know some of you out there would suggest, Hey, easy solution: Just stop with the digressions.

To which kind suggestion I would respond: Fuck YOU!1! MY blog. MY Rules.

But so, okay, back to our story:

So finally,  finally Teh 'B. and I get to the funeral and the priest is already up to the Gospel reading, which means, for the sake of my heathen4 readers, we're pretty late. And we quietly take a seat near the back, from which vantage point I manage to spot my Uncle Bill (Teh 'Dad's and Aunt Dorothy's youngest brother) and his wife, Aunt Ann; my cousin Beth and her husband Jerry; and, over to the side, entering the church even later than us, my wheelchair-bound Aunt Vera and her eldest daughter (also Beth's sister), Carol Ann.

Now my Aunt Dorothy has three children: Frank, Connie and Celeste. They are somewhere in the front pew, but I'm not sure who is who (other than Frank) because when I was a kid, we didn't really see them that often — unlike the rest of the Heisenberg cousins, who all lived no more than like 5 miles from us, tops; Aunt Vera's Clan of Seven Children5 actually lived two streets over and my elder brother and sisters were like best friends with Vera's kids.

And so on the drive there, Teh 'Bride, between "Fuckity FUCK"s, was saying how she had always thought that Celeste and her French husband Louis (O, yeah, you bet it's pronounced "loo-WEE") were from Teh 'Mom's side of the family because, Teh 'Bride maintained, Teh 'Mom always spoke of them with a special reverence that Teh 'B. just attributed to Family Pride because she'd never heard that tone in Teh 'Mom's voice when Teh 'Mom spoke of, say, Frank or Connie, who are in fact Celeste's siblings6. And I was like, "No, Celeste is Dorothy's daughter — strictly from Teh 'Dad's side of the family."

And so then Teh 'Bride is like, "Well Louis is French and cultured and he and Celeste are globe-trotters and he has an important job, and they're both well-educated ... I guess it can just be attributed to your mother's usual elitism." And I was all, hmmmm ...

But then so guess who Teh 'Bride falls immediately in love with as soon as she sees them? Go ahead — guess! Because if you guessed Louis and Celeste, you'd be right, and if you guessed anybody else you're a fucktard, because I think I pretty much telegraphed the correct answer for you. And so but okay, who's the snob NOW, Teh 'Bride? Because Teh 'Mom at least stayed with Celeste and Louis for a week in France back in the 1980s when Teh 'Mom went on a trip to Europe, and so she had had time to be fully charmed by them — as were they by her, because when I finally got to talk to Louis, whom I'd never met before, he told me first thing about how he still had found memories of Teh 'Mom.

But here's Teh 'Bride falling in love with them and she's just met them!1!

And then when I introduced Teh 'Bride to Louis, and he pronounced her name with his French accent, I watched as she melted and turned into Liquid 'Bride right before my eyes and just kinda swooned and was all THIS guy? [meaning ME] No, I'm not married to him. I'm totally available, Louis. TOTALLY.

And the whole ride home, the "Fuckity fuck"s were replaced with, "O, weren't Louis and Celeste GLAMOROUS?"s and "Isn't Celeste elegant?"s and "Can we call Louis when we get home and have him say my name again?"s.

Hahahahaha! Teh 'Mom's "elitism" doesn't look so "elitist" now, does it, 'Bride? Now that it's also yours! Hahahahahaha!

In Teh 'Bride's defense, her name does sound majorly sexy when pronounced the French way. And Louis and Celeste are elegant. And, let's face it, I'm none of that. I'm actually pretty hideous to look at, which is why I developed this winning fucking personality that I have.

ZOMG!1! What do you know? I did manage to get to teh part about Teh 'Bride and Teh Frenchman in this post, which I didn't think I'd be able to do thanks to all of my Shandian digressions! I had to skip a lot of the story, because this 'Bridal meeting happened near the end of the whole funeral affair, but I got to it! Woo-hoo! I totally RULE!1! Which means I won't have to do another post on this, even though a lot of other interesting stuff happened at the funeral reception, afterward, because Frank brought along Aunt Dorothy's Big Ass Photo Album, which somehow ended up in Teh 'Bride's arms for like 45 minutes while everyone flipped through it and her arm went numb from the weight of it but she didn't say anything, opting, instead, to try, non-verbally, to get someone else to take it from her because evidently she forgot how to say the English words, "This tome be sore heavy and I would fain put it down" or else thought for some reason that saying that would be rude in some way that I, frankly, can't fathom at all. But that's Teh 'Bride. Because there was a picture of Teh 'Dad in there in his little baptism dress from 1922! As well as this picture of him from like his teen years, and when I looked at it I thought I was looking at my eldest brother Frank (who died in 1983) dressed up in circa 1938 duds, because Teh 'Dad looked exactly like Frank, a resemblance I'd never noticed before.

But I've already milked this story long enough.
Some stretching and exercise this morning and then giving it HARD to Morrissey for 7.1 miles in 20 minutes.

1 Yeah, and while I may not know who all of you are, I do know you have certain weird shared predilections, the most salient of which, as far as I'm concerned, is that you'll obviously read pert-near anything because you're reading this right now, aren't you?


Yeah, and so to attempt to attract a better class of reader, I put that there "Trannies Welcome" graphic up at the top of my blog, and who does it end up attracting?

Dr. Nic and yet another Canadian. Or, to put it another way, two trannies. Woo-Hoo! It worked!1!

2 Short version of The Thing: I'm a fucking liar. For Long Version of The Thing, see above.

3 Rumor has it this will be the year Dr. Nic applies for Canadian citizenship so that he hits the coveted trifecta of Tranny, Chiropractor and Canadian. But the joke'll be on you, Dr. Nic, because Canadians have Socialized Medicine too! Hahahahahaha! It's EVERYWHERE!1!

4 I.e., non-Catholic. If any of you heathens are offended by this characterization, leave an irate comment and I will add a "Heathens Welcome!" graphic to the top of this blog. But face facts: The only person that'll end up attracting is Dr. Nic again.

5 O, yeah, there were 7 kids in her family, too, just as there were in mine, because when it comes to the Biblical Admonition Be Fruitful And Multiply, Irish Catholics of that generation didn't fuck around, or, to put it another way, they did — and how! But it was cool because they were always married (at least by the time the first kid popped) and the wimminfolk got pregnant EVERY SINGLE TIME!!11!

6 And you're thinking, "Well, how could Teh 'B. have been confused about this, because surely Teh 'Mom must've said, when she spoke of these relatives Teh 'Bride had never met, 'Aunt Dorothy's daughter Celeste and her husband Louis' etc. But I assure you, The 'Mom did no such thing. For some reason, it was always assumed that you — whoever "you" may be — just knew the tangled branches of Teh Heisenberg Family Tree, and so Celeste, whom I myself had never met before, would often enter a Teh 'Mom story with no further context than "Celeste". Now, these were my cousins, aunts, great-uncles, etc., and even I found this confusing and difficult to follow. And Teh 'Dad was no help here, either, because he would talk about ancestors from like the 1850s as though they were about to come through the door and pound a few beers with us and you'd have NO idea how they were related to you. But here was Teh 'Dad, regaling you with Stories and Legends about them.

So Teh 'Bride's confusion was not merely understandable: It was all but inevitable.


  1. WTF, G! Why are you actively attracting Kanadiens?

  2. er, Kanadien Trannies!

    Forget it, you know what I mean.....


    Offended recapitulation.

    Pleading denoument?

  4. I prefer Heeooo-wer - thank you very much...

  5. AND... you can fully blame Georgia Snail for >yetanotherCanadian< coming here. Oh yeah, and Keith lives like 6 miles from me..

  6. I'm posting 95 theses online (most cribbed from others) as a protest of your calling the catholic church heathen because it has no capital C (Das Kapital C?) How could you not want to be a part of a religion that includes the Diet of Worms?

  7. Is it wrong that I actually finished reading Tristram Shandy? It seems to defeat the purpose.

    I also don't know why the Pepe LePew accent is so popular with the ladies. I'm more of a Droopy Dawg or Eeyore (personality-wise, Ren Hoek ).

  8. I actually read your comment as "Ya hit the big time, Yid." At least the photo doesn't have me lookin at Fran n Furter's , er, frankenfurter.

  9. 7.1 miles in 20 minutes - holy crap - you're ready for the Olympics!

  10. Regarding footnote #5: You know what cuts down on ginormous, crusty, child-filled famblies?

    Teh anal.