Friday, March 26, 2010

You'll Have To Have Them All Pulled Out


I am starting this blog post off with that ejaculation2 because this morning I went for what turned out to be a 5-mile run (exactly 5, totally by accident) and it was at a craptacular 8:54 pace. I'm usually happy enough to make an ejaculation of some sort any time my pace is under 9 minutes, but I'm not happy with this sub-9 minute pace because as I logged this run into my M$ Excel "Glaven's Runs" spreadsheet, I couldn't help but ejaculate. (Wait — that period back there is a typo; I wasn't finished with that sentence.) I couldn't help but ejaculate: "I managed an 8:54 pace two daze ago while running nearly a mile and a half farther!" And this totally pissed me off almost as much as having to figure out who's gonna clean up all these ejaculations around my computer this morning.

Of course, I didn't get much sleep last night and it was raining this morning and also my vagina hurt. But I won't make excuses for this bad pace because my breasts are SOOO tender this morning, especially the nipples.

Yeah but so then so I am NOT a very happy camper, but I'm trying not to make anymore ejaculations because what am I? A Sex Machine?
The other day, the brakes on my car failed on the way home from work. Not "failed" in the I-couldn't-stop-the-car-and-ended-up-running-a-red-light-and-I-read-the-news-today-O-boy sense, because I found out later that the front brakes were fine; but the back brakes were gone and I really had to slam the brake pedal to get the car to stop. And so this ended up costing me a grand and, incidentally, also ended up costing Ian at least one semester at college unless HE can come up with the scratch.

And so yesterday I had to suffer the indignity of driving the Mini to work because the rental car we got was an FUC, or as some would call it, an SUV, and Teh 'Bride took that because she evidently thought I was in no condition to drive the FUC what with my sore vagina and tender nipples and whatnot. But really because we had to bring it back with a quarter tank of gas, which is what it came with, and the commute to Teh 'Bride's library is like 2 miles, whereas my commute? Yeah, more like 25. And the FUC would have used up about 15 gallons of gas on the 50-mile trip back and forth. So letting Teh 'B. have the FUC saved us some money.

And so the mechanic calls me mid-morning yesterday to tell me that the back brakes are totally gone and they're like ejaculating fluid all over the back end of the Neon and I'm thinking My Neon is like a total whoo-wer, because how could it let the brakes DO that to it? That's worse than what LuMu lets Mr. Moose do to her and she knows what I'm referring to3; because how will my Neon ever land a husband if she's willing to do ... THAT on a first date? It's DISGUSTING and also kinda hawt!1!

The Neon is all fixed now, but I don't respect it anymore.
All four of George's White Album songs are great but I think "Savoy Truffle" is my favorite because it has a great, stinging guitar sound and fat Motown-like horns and it rocks more than the other three George White Album songs. And it also demonstrates that great song writers could be inspired by pert-near ANYTHING because the song is about a box of fucking CHOCOLATES and the fact that George's buddy Eric Clapton had horrible teeth because he couldn't resist chocolate - if he started a box, he had to eat the whole thing - and the line "you'll have to have them all pulled out" is not meant to represent what SHE said because she didn't want to end up pregnant ... it's actually George warning, "After that last chocolate, the Savoy Truffle, you'll have to have all your teeth pulled, Eric."

Had to add this (from here) because it contributes to today's major theme of orgasmic punning (click to embiggen THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!1!):

1 That's for you, AQA Aleece. I hope you know what it it because it's "GAH!" spelled backwards, sorta, is what it is, with even the exclamation point first and upside down and all. Because I woulda written "GAH!" but I thought that would be too derivative and I wanted you to see how much my writing has improved, especially on the originality front; and I also thought if I did that, did sorta a mini-homage to you, you would overlook the spelling error in the comment I left on your blog this morning. And while I'm making amends, Kanada Keef? I'm sorry I called you a "whoo-wer" in that same comment. Because I think the Korrect Kanadian spelling for that is "whoo-wre". We're good now, right? I can still be a part of your Odyssey to Planet Fitness? Because I'm thinking the only way to make the "trip" to this "planet" is by smoking metres and metres of Kwality Kanadian DuBois.

2 Yeah, that's right ... ejaculation. Because it has that more innocent meaning, too. In fact, that's it's primary meaning, as any common semen seaman could tell you. But — HAHAHAHAHA!1! — look at the awkward way they phrased that second definition at the site I just linked to!1! "noun:  the discharge of semen in males"!1! "In"? They make it sound like the males are the recipients of this ... O, let's just say, "wadded gift". (Not that they can't be — just ask Cletus — but being on the receiving end is not an ejaculation by any definition!)

Wouldn't a more felicitous — and correct — phrasing be "the discharge of semen by males"? 

I give OneLook's choice of words here a C- (<-- Rapper name = C-Min; pronounced, semen). Do you agree, AQA Aleece? Because that's a pretty bad choice of words right there. 

3 For the rest of you who might NOT know, I'm referring to Teh anal, which is how Irish LuMu managed to have only two kids.


  1. OMG! It is Glaven!!! I think I just had an ejaculation.

  2. Since you're the self-proclaimed expert, what were "Maxwell's Silver Hammer" and "Bungalow Bill" really about?

  3. Thanks for clarifying with the third footnote. I, for one, was curious.

  4. Incorrect prepositions always piss me off. Your C- was quite generous, but given the poetic quality of it, quite appropriate.

    Incorrect spelling on the other hand? I only barely notice...although I did think you were calling me a HAG! Heffer? OK. Hag? (Fragments can be used for stylistic purposes).

    I've never noticed that clicking alone led to an ejaculation of either type. (That's what she said!)

  5. Adam over at

    Has a pair of shoes that would fit you perfectly today.....

  6. You know what they say...

    If the shoe fits....

  7. I just had a bowl of minestrone that was less minestrone & more veggie broth. Very disappointing.

    Eric is a man after my own heart - mmmm... chocolate...

  8. It's whoo-ure. There's a U dammit, a U!!! Sheesh. When in doubt in Kanada, there's a U.

    A Neon. Tell me you're kidding. You deserve to have brake fluid ejaculated all over everything for driving that.

    Speaking of Tiger Woods, (and this is old now), did you hear the Jokewriters of America are suing him? All those jokes just write themselves.

    Maybe aka Alice should feed those to her degenerate writers. Maybe that will engage the sub-microsecond attention spans.

    Yes, you're good to go on the trip to planet fitness. You, after all, are writing in one of the recognized brands of English, albeit the one that has too many oi's, and not enough u's.