Friday, April 30, 2010

April Numbers: Stronger Than Dirt!

When I began Genteel April1, I claimed I would do a lot of things, not the least of which was to be nice for the whole month of April.

I don't need anyone to tell me what a failure I was at that2.

But I promised a few other things, one being that I would attempt to post something every day in April. Well, I averaged in excess of a post a day (this here post is the 50th in a 30-day month), but I missed posting on two days thanks to a short weekend get-away and an uploading snafu3.

I have to think that, despite this failure to post every day, the seven of you who read this blog have probably had just about enough of me for awhile. So you should have no problem with my taking a bit of a break from posting, which is what I intend to do.

Note the verb: intend. That gives me the wiggle room I need to be allowed to post in case I feel the need to do so for some stupid reason. You know, if I get all het up and riled over something.

But I intend not to.

I'll still be reading and commenting as nastily and scathingly as ever on your blogs. Just not posting.

Or so I intend. 

I won't say it's because I deserve the break. But the six of you sure do4.

I'll be back around my birthday, which is in roughly two weeks5.

Use this gift of free time I have given you wisely: Catch up on your reading of other blogs, e.g. You should be able to read roughly 5 other blog posts in the time it takes you to read one of mine, because, yeah, I'm pretty long-winded. Fuck you. I'm old and I've earned the right to ramble incoherently at you. Here: have a hard candy. It'll take your mind off that Old Person Smell that permeates my blog. Now be a dear and remind me what  I was talking about.

O yeah. Things you can do with the copious spare time you will soon have.

Alternatively, why not use this free time to get reacquainted with your family?  

HAHAHAHA!! Just kidding about that last part! Your annoying fucking family is why you turned to running (and then blogging about it) in the first place, isn't it? Your family just doesn't get you, do they? Not like these anonymous weirdos on the Interwebs — your "friends" — do, right? So fuck your family, spend more time with themthe weirdos your online "friends"!

Actually, do whatever you want. But before you go? Be a dear and hand me my teeth?

Hahahahaha! It's funny because I'm old!
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This morning's run: 6.36 miles in 57:42 for a 9:05 pace. Acceptable because this morning I ran up the Foothill of Teh Schmatterhorn for the first time in months.

The April Numbers:

Running: 80.15 miles (This low number is because I didn't run for a full week due to the calf injury. Otherwise, I might have made it to 100 miles this month)

Walking: 42.51 miles

(Giving it HARD to Morrissey While Recumbently) Biking: 79.1 miles

Total Miles: 201.76 — Woo-Hoo! I TOTALLY don't blow!
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I listened to this one over and over this morning during my 6.36-mile run:

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1 Which probably won't catch on because let's be honest, here ... it didn't even catch on with me.

2 Feel free to tell me what a failure I was at that in the comments.

3 Yeah, "uploading snafu" sound soooo much better than "fucktarded brain fart on my part", don't you think? Because the latter is what really happened. Stop me if I've told you this story before3a. Because here's what happened: It was the morning of the Saturday that we were leaving for the Poconos to visit with Teh 'Bro and Teh S-i-L; I was rushing to finish the post I was writing so that I could upload it before we left so I'd have Saturday's promised post done, because I'm nothing if  not diligent and yes, I know, that pretty much means I'm nothing. I had two tabs open in Firefox: one in blogger, where I was working on my post; the other open to Google Reader, to see if any of you slackers, who post maybe two, three times a week3b, had posted anything new. You hadn't because ... see footnote 3b, below. So I logged out of Google Reader, stupidly forgetting that it would also log me out of Blogger3c because Google now owns and controls access to every virtual thing in the world and now makes even Micro$oft look like a Corporate Pussy when it comes to not sharing and monopolizing stuff and making crappy products and stop thinking what it would be like to Do It wit a a Corporate Pussy because I'm not finished with my story yet. (Still, doing it with a Corporate Pussy? I bet that would be Teh Awesome!) But so then there I was, blithely typing away in Blogger, not letting it register that the whole while, Blogger was trying to tell me "attempt at saving failed". If I even noticed that message, which is unlikely, probably all I thought was "Geez, now even Blogger is telling me that another Big Wall Street Financial Institution has gone under! NICE JOB, OBAMA3d!1!" (Because I like to think the economy was just zippy till January 20, 2009, because I'm a fucktard.) But what I didn't quite grok was that, when I clicked the "edit post" tab in Blogger to navigate away from the page I thought I had just saved, I lost the like 6 paragraphs I'd typed since logging out! And these weren't like Dr. Nic-type bullet point "paragraphs", either. These were Glaven paragraphs, with like twenty sentences each, chock full of verbs and adjectives and stuff, and the word "like" repeated like 50 times in each sentence! All, like, lost!

Upshot: No post that Saturday. Then: stayed up till 1:30 that night/morning drinking beer with Teh 'Bro, so no post Sunday, either, because ... um ... it somehow didn't seem a priority.

3a O, wise up, Jethro! I already know I've told you this story before! Did you really think telling me that I had would stop me? When has it ever?

3b Pfffttt! Posting Pussies!

3c So in a sense, this was all your fault. Man up and admit it! Pussies! The question isn't, Why do I post so much? It's Why don't YOU post more? Pussies!1!

3d So in another sense, this was all Obama's fault. O, I was willing to look the other way when you CRAMMED SOCIALISM DOWN MY THROAT, Barry, but this ... THIS is too much!1! SHOW ME YOUR PAPERS, ALIEN!1!

Hahaha! It's fun going all Arizona on Teh Kenyan in Chief's ass!1!

4 There's only one danger here. See, the reason I  post at least once a day, seemingly compulsively, is it keeps me busy. The danger, when I don't post, is that I might go back and start critically reading earlier posts of mine and then, then, comes the inevitable forehead-smacking moment when I realize how badly written they are; and at first I start to think, Well, that's okay, they can be salvaged; I can fix them ... And so it begins. Because I know where that road leads because there's the sign post right up ahead: This Way To Mass Deletion Acres, Where Old Posts Go to Meet Their Personal Death Panels. And then it's like, Jebus! Wouldn't it be easier, and more humane, just to delete the whole blog? But it doesn't have to be that way! Nobody reads the archives anyway; I know that — those old posts have already corrupted all the minds they're ever gonna corrupt; "fixing" them now is like putting a condom on after ... wait, that's gross. When I see that simile in the archives, I'll definitely fix it. But you get my point, which is this:

Put your condoms on before you fuck. Yes, condoms — plural. Better make it two or three because why take chances? I myself have shot a few across the room when I ...

Wait, that's even grosser. I'll fix it at some indeterminate time in the future when I'm trolling through my archives. It's a good thing I didn't finish that thought, though, because if I had told you how far across the room I shot the condom I'd then have to tell you how far the girl went, too, which was a little farther because, yeah, I'm like a firehose.

And that would be the grossest thing of all.

5 To be precise, B*tch, my birthday is May 15. Yeah, I'll be 50. So if any of you out there are thinking of getting me something, my condom size is XX-Large (this info should enable you to estimate my shoe and glove size, too); I'm Irish (this info should tell you all you need to know to estimate my @$$ size, which is XX-small); and my turn-ons include: Women who like small-@$$ed men wearing nothing but XX-large condoms; and raccoon-eyed morning whoo-wers in circa-1980s black nylon stockings ... who like small-@$$ed men wearing nothing but XX-large condoms.

31 comments:

  1. 1. FIRST!! Again. I, if I may be so bold, fucking ROCK!

    2. Hilarious

    3. Dude, have you thought about the broader implications of your decision? Who is going to make me laugh so hard I cry in the morning?!

    I mean, come on. Every teenager needs their biology teacher to look like they have just done the whore walk of shame (you know what I mean ladies, in the morning with smeared mascara half way down your face, carrying your pumps in your hand as you walk across the parking lot in inappropriately short dress in your black nylons with runs up the back? Not that I wear black nylons much anymore, but I rocked the shit out those bad boys in the 80's)

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  2. Why don't I post more? Lets see, 676 posts in 916 days. Surely that's enough for anyone.

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  3. Quit picking on the bad bloggers. Some of us are sensitive and you hurt our feelings.

    Just because I haven't written a post in way over a week doesn't mean I don't love you. Well, maybe it does.

    I am really planning on posting something soon...maybe...

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  4. Happy maybe-blogging break. It may take me two weeks to regain my sight after being blinded by all the footnotes.

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  5. I would've commented sooner (wait. would that make me an Oklahoman?), but that was one long post (insert obvious joke) to read. I just might delete all your comments on my blog to enrage you into posting about how unfair I am!

    Have a nice vacation and a happy b'day.

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  6. For the record, when shamelessly plugging your 50th birthday (which is a HUGE f-ing deal, and more than slightly AWESOME, IMHO 'cuz I am ALL about being 'H' or humble) you need to include the actual date, lest you get your panties in a twist when we all fail to appropriately acknowledge said birthday in a timely manner.

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  7. Man no wonder my Google reader was saying I had like five of your posts unread. I didn't realized you had pledged to blog every day. Enjoy your vacation!

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  8. Thank you for fixing that, but in my defense gentle readers, footnote 5 was added AFTER my comment on the lack of 'G's emergence from the big V' date.

    Now, Mr. Perfectionist Wordsmith, what is the deal with a footnote that is 1. Not referenced in the text and 2. NOT in numerical order?

    Just sayin'. I am Teh B*tch, after all.

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  9. A man that loves The Doors? *Swoon* Teh man of this house freaks out when I play anything from The Doors. I of course play it more because I am evil like that.

    Like always, a very entertaining post with my eyes bleeding from the footnotes.

    Happy almost Birthday!

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  10. Happy almost 50th birthday!!!!! Fifty, huh? Ya know, when I first started reading you I thought you were WAAAY older, on account of all the self deprecating "I'm such an old coot" talk. Fifty is not so decrepit.

    Hey - "not so decrepit". That was quite the compliment, huh? Right up there with "Didn't you used to suck much more than this?"

    Enjoy your blogging break, but not so much that you're gone too long.

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  11. Ok, I get the "ass of the day" award. I posted a comment meant for you on my own blog. Now you have to go there to read it because I have to go to the stupid fucking prom.

    I hope my date's skin did not break out...

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  12. Gawd, G., if you're going to get so maudlin in your comments at RBR's blog, maybe it's a good thing you're not posting. Turning 50 doesn't mean you have to go all mushy (you don't HAVE to, it's just the option we all choose).

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  13. April gentilitees bring May absentees.

    Just as long as you're still "around." Though I do think you get around plenty with all that condom talk.

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  14. There you go, hinting about prezzies, and not posting an address to send them to. For those that need it. I had something all lined up to send, but the post office has these tiresome rules about what they consider to be hazardous substances. And packages that tick.

    And 50 is not so bad. It grows on you.

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  15. I echo SteveQ

    Day 3, no post, mascara still intact, no coffee spit on keyboard.

    Dear God, if this keeps up I will have to actually WORK in the morning

    *sigh*

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  16. For the record, your blog hiatus has now lasted 2 days longer than your punk ass attempt at not-even-kinda Gentle April.

    I am just saying...

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  17. Glaven! I just found you again! I've missed the endless footnotes and surplus use of the word fucktard. I can use your 2 week hiatus to catch up on all your archived posts. I might need more than two weeks or at least a note to give to my boss about my inevitable decline in productivity.

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  18. Hurry Back! I need your unbiased analysis of the use of a TAZER on a 17 year old Phillies fan!
    We NEEEEEED your razor sharp dissection of this pressing issue!

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  19. So for your 50th birthday, would you like a Ken Walters rookie card (1960 Phillies)? Not that THAT's what you're getting!

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  20. Well...thank Jeebus that I've been using this time to pay attention to my family and not reading your blog..except that I think I did it in the wrong order...(e.g. I haven't read your blog for a week and thus missed the announcement that you are taking a break). Actually, I thought there was something wrong with my Reader because I didn't have 6 or 7 unread posts from you...GAH!

    Enjoy the break and Happy Birthday (just in case I don't get back here again anytime soon).

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  21. Did I mention that I'm glad your back, kinda, sorta? Besides the fact that I have to read this long ass shit, and then re-read b/c I missed half of it (it's usually 4am) and then try to think of something clever?!?! WTF, by then it's just 4:30 and I gotta go run...

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  22. *hmpf*

    People that do not post do not get get pictures of "May poles" or "Renaissance garb" or any further hippo porn.

    I am just saying...

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  23. G, you wanted me to post something for you on your birthday. Bit of a problem: that morning I'm driving five hours to a race that takes 5 hours (7 last year) and then 5 hours back. After a shower, something to eat and a nap, it'll be the next day.

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  24. So wait ... I missed that day when you had matured past the level of a 17 year old girl?

    OMG! Whatever. *eyeroll*

    Rioting Librarians? There is a phrase that I am certain has never been uttered or cataloged or whatever the hell you people do. *wink*

    Seriously, good on you. Something had to be said and that is a very impressive showing.

    Dude, you seriously need to post something new. How may times am I going to have to comment on this one f-ing post?

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  25. Here. I'll increment the comment counter and make everyone wonder who posted. And what they said.

    I've seen rioting librarians. It isn't pretty. I had never before considered how dire a threat reading Proust through a megaphone could be.

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  26. RE: your comment on SteveQ's blog - hmmm... sound like someone spewing sour grapes about the one that got away.

    Maybe if you could run a 50k in bondage gear you would get more tranny action. I am just saying.

    Furthermore, RE: your comment on SteveQ's blog: Bite me.

    RE: Teh Bride's helpful advice - She rocks and is clearly a saint. I wonder if she gets double sainthood points for marrying you or is it a one cancels the other type thing to keep the balance of good and evil in the world? The philosophical ponderings of RBR.

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  27. Hey hey hey (either channeling Fat Albert or, if the stress is on the middle "hey," a different fat black kid from tv in that era):

    "Bite me?" Isn't that my job, RBR? I've got the gear on already!

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  28. @ SteveQ: RAWR!!

    @ G: Me thinks I will keep posting here. It is my turf. I already peed all around the edges and everything.

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  29. @RBR: So THAT's why the keyboard's sticky.
    @G: Are you gonna go to the trouble of updating the new post's count of comments on this one?

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