Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Hot From Teh Northish-Central Joisey Police Blotter

So Teh 'Bride just sent me a link to the site of a local county news rag which has this here headline:
04/28/10

TITLE: OH MY GOODNESS - MAN CAUGHT MASTURBATING IN [CENSORED] COUNTY LIBRARY

Saturday, April 24, 2010 @ approximately 2:12 PM - Police arrested [CENSORED] and charged him with lewdness following an incident at the [CENSORED]County Library on [CENSORED]. Police were called to the library for a report of a male masturbating in public view on the second floor. ...

Yep. You guessed it. [CENSORED]County Library is Teh 'Bride's library, all right. The fun never stops at the library:

[PA Voice-Over]: "Clean-up in aisle three - wet."

What does it say about me [do NOT answer this in the comments] that the thing that I [I am NOT kidding - this question is rhetorical!] was most interested in [Really, don't answer it] when I went to the page was the ad-link it provided at the bottom of the page to an article from the same online rag about a local pub called Mrs. Riley's Ale House?

Because I had never heard of Mrs. Riley's, even though it is in our Northish-Central Joisey County, and so I clicked the link, thinking, Hey, why not, might be a nice place to go for lunch or something, and it's basically just a puff piece on Mrs. Riley's, comprised of pix, mostly, and the local rag even managed to misspell the name of the establishment at the top of the page, calling it "Mrs. Reiley's", which I know is wrong because one of the pix on the page is of the fucking place's SIGN where it sez, plain as day, "Mrs. Riley's Public House and Trattoria" (la-dee-da); and I'm looking at the pix trying to see what beers they have on tap, but all I can make out is a Coors Light tap, so Teh 'Bride and I won't be going to Mrs. Riley's any time soon, I can assure you.

But I'm also thinking, Poor Mrs. Riley! Not only did they misspell her name, but she probably paid money to have Breaking News Stories linked to this puff piece on her Ale House and what does she end up linked to? A story about some guy jerking off at the library on Saturday!

Also - the fact that this local rag's headline for this story is "O MY GOODNESS" should tell you all you need to know about Our Lurvely County. What's next?

MAN CAUGHT FUCKING HORSE AT LOCAL MIDDLE SCHOOL - WELL, FIDDLE-DEE-DEE

8 comments:

  1. Well, shuckums! That is just plum awful! I do hope everyone is ok. I mean, they misspelled her name for gracious sake!

    Yeah, you are screwed when Teh Bride reads that you clicked on the ale house link. She will be saying "Rhetorical, my ass! Let me answer that one for you, skippy!"

    Exactly how bad does your sex life have to be to jack off in a public library? (now, THAT is a rhetorical question)

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  2. In South Carolina last year they arrested a man for fucking a horse. it was the second time he was arrested for fucking the same horse. call it the southern version of jacking it up in a library.

    was this guy at least near the national geographic?

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  3. @CJ: He was probably reading Woodworker's Journal.

    @GQH: Any place that dares to include the word "Ale" in its name yet does not appear to have any of such (Coors Light? really?) is not fit to call itself a true boozing establishment.

    (unlike this place, which is world-class. and right in my backyard, so to speak.)

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  4. And while we're on the subject of small town police blotters, check out THIS gemfrom my ancestral region of growth in Ohio.

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  5. Would it have been a lesser offense if they guy was j-ing off in the book stacks? I'm sorta intrigued by the "public view" part of the charge.

    Coors Light?

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  6. What I don't get is how he managed not to get a paper cut if he was using a library book (and I mean "using" as in "never calling again").

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  7. Maybe Mrs. Reily's sign was made wrong and it cost too much money to fix it. She paid for the ad to try and inform the public that her name was Reily.

    Was the bride at the library during this incident?

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  8. This is the great problem that fiction writers labour against, or under. You can't make this shit up. Truth is always stranger than fiction. Nobody would believe it.

    I didn't believe it at first, and only my unrelenting cynacism about human nature and the pits therein enabled belief. After all, think about how much the media gets wrong.

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