Saturday, May 22, 2010

5K Trail Race Report

As promised earlier today, here's my 5k Trail Race Report.

Short version: I hate trail races.

Longer version: Trail races suck big dick.

Longest version:

Back in August, roughly three blogs ago, I ran a trail 5k at night. You might remember it because I reported it on my then blog and it was called the Flying Pig 5k and the only reason I ran it was because Teh 'Bride wanted the race shirt because it has a piggie on it and she has this thing for piggies which probably goes a long way toward explaining how she ended up married to me1.

Anyroad,  I ran that race and remember wanting to stop running roughly every 10 paces. But I never stopped, despite getting repeatedly chicked, boyed, and old manned2. I ran it in 26:16, which I was relatively happy with because the race experience itself kinda blew, and not in the good, knob-gobbling sense.

But it seems, since become an official Geezer last week, I have lost some of the oommmph I used to have3 in my step; because I ran today's 5k trail race in 26:26.

Now, in my defense, I was weighed down by this giant penis4.

The trail was in Deer Path park, a local park which also happens to be the park where Ian won that fishing tournament last week while I was busy sucking in a road 5k race a little farther south. In today's race, we ran right around the very pond that Ian caught his 27 fish in. In two hours! Next highest number? ELEVEN! Can I get a WHAT-WHAT for the I-Dawg?

Yeah, but while things went well for non-geezer Ian at DP park, meanwhile back at the Geezer Ranch ...

I actually felt pretty good starting out. When I hit the one-mile mark, I turned off the iPod so I could hear the volunteer give me my time. I probably shouldn't have because she said "7:49" which I knew was too fast and not a pace I could sustain on this day.

Hahahahaha! Or any day! I was just fucking with you with the implied meaning of the phrase "this day". Hahahahaha! And you fell for it! Wait'll I tell my dildo5!

Anyroad, I was okay for about a tenth of a mile after that but then the grass and gravel and the roots and the inclines began to take their toll and I slowed down significantly and then, as I already mentioned (previously-revealed plot point alert!), I ended up finishing in 26:26 (8:30 pace), which is not even a trail 5k PR.

It was very low-tech, so I don't know if they will ever even have the results online, but here's what I know.

Two shirtless guys with no body fat came in one and two with times of 17:something.

I was 16 in a field of 60 and I have a feeling Teh 'Dad may have lost a step or two himself because when we went to visit him in Philadelphia today after the race, I said, "Dad, 16th in a field of 60! Top quarter!" and he didn't even correct me.

The only awards they gave out were for first three males overall, first three females overall; top three male high schoolers; top female high schooler (there was only one); top three male grade schoolers; and top three female grade schoolers.

No idea where I was in the geezer AG or where I fell in my gender group — other than being in the top sixteen!

Faithfully submitted, with a dildo, by

Welcome back to Lauren — of Baton Rouge Jogging fame — whose blog disappeared from the blogosphere some time ago. She has not, lamentably, brought it back, but she has found mine and is commenting again. Good to have you back, sister! Come for the race reports; stay for the gratuitous dildo shout-outs!

Wait. Shouldn't the "come" part go with the "dildo" part?

ZOMG!!1! I'm still a PIG!

Some things never change
I brought it home in 26:26 as this apropos song played:

1 That and the fact that I had her family held hostage. I'm thinking that, in a year and a half, for our 20th anniversary, I may release them. Then, if she stays with me after that, I'll be handing out a WHOLE BIG BUNCH of "FUCK YOU"s to people who were all "Glaaaaven, you can't build a real relationship on a foundation of extortion!" Fucking busybodies! The jury's still out on that issue, asswipes! What the hell was I supposed to use? Charm? GET FUCKING REAL!1!

2 And that's just the sex! HI-YOOOOOOOOOOO!1! Thank you! I'll be here all week! Be sure to tip your waitresses — they work hard. Tip them big and you may get lucky!

If that doesn't work, I recommend kidnapping their families.

3 Pfffffftttt! As if.

4 Minds out of the gutter, people. I'm referring to my lucky dildo, which I carry during every race I run. (The less said about where I carry it the better. Also, the less said about why I carry it the better. Just stop talking abut the dildo already! Geez! Pervs!)

Also: I have a giant penis, so the extra weight of that should probably be factored in.

 5 I thought I told you to stop talking about the dildo? GET YOUR OWN!1!


  1. I'll be back soon to comment on the rest of the post, but at this time I MUST point out a grammatical error. I'm not sure I've EVAH seen one in a GlavenPost.
    But it seems, since become an official Geezer last week...

    Your welcome.

  2. Yes, I did intentionally use "your" in the above comment.

  3. Now, in my defense, I was weighed down by this giant penis4

    You should have left the footnote out. Because then you could have used the excuse that the TRAIL RACE ITSELF was you-know-whatting your "big" you-know-what, as mentioned in the "Longer Version" of your race report. Too bad for you.

  4. Congrats on another TRAIL race completion. Give up the roads AND THE IPOD and you'll be much better off.

    27-11?? Yikes! Chris Christie must've'been running that fishing contest. If Corzine were still in charge, he woulda taxed and fined and regulated Ian down to a 11.5-11 victory.

  5. Faithfully submitted, with a dildo, by

    I keep wondering how skinny a dildo has to be for one to be able to type a blog post with it.


    If you continue to bag on yourself (not that kind of 'bag', pervo. And no, I do not believe for ONE SECOND that your 'bag' is big enough to "bag on yourself" *eyeroll*)

    Anyhoo, if you continue to bemoan your "slowness" yet post race times that are faster than me, I will stop congratulating you for all racing times including, but not limited to, this most recent, fast-ass trail 5k.

  6. Come on, get real with us, what place did you take in the grade school girls category?

    We won't laugh. We promise.

  7. Why do you have a dildo? Is this to make up for your lack of girth? You don't really expect us to believe you have THAT big of a penis when you're bragging about your dildo, do you?

  8. I got my own label! ZOMG!!!1!

    I know what you mean though. I had to quit running with my dildo so I could 'run lighter.' Now I just run with Ben wa balls.