Thursday, May 13, 2010

Hiatus Post 3: Injury Report

This morning I plotted out a 6-mile run and headed out. I have a 5k race on Saturday (my birthday) and this was going to be my last semi-training run.

Well, sir (and skirts) — there's a school about .32 miles from my house, behind which is a community pool, behind which is a park with trails. I just recently started including these trails in my run as a change of pace. I included the trails as part of today's run. Dun-Dun-DUNNNNNNN!

The pic below, which you'll need to click to embiggen, gives you the unnecessary graphical details you won't need to understand this post because basically the whole story is: I slipped on some wet wooden stairs leading from the trail down into the school's back parking lot, fell, dislocated my right shoulder, popped it back in, and walked home, tail1 between my legs, after having run a mere 1.78 miles and then tumbled another .01 miles for a total of 1.79 miles or less than a third of what I intended to run.

Excellent training for Saturday!

If you didn't quite grok that in verbal form, click the pic below, you Geico Caveman, and view it semi-graphically.
Let me just assure everyone that my n*ts@ck was not — repeat: NOT — injured in the fall. Because I know that's your first concern, as it ought to be.

I do have a nice bloody welt on my right thigh which I'd include a picture of but it's too close to my n*ts@ck, which I call "The Truth", and let's face it YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH and Jebus! that was a long way to go for a stupid A Few Good Men joke that really isn't funny anyway. Also injured: my right kankle on the meaty outer part. I don't remember much of the fall except the sensation of both of my feet slipping out from under me at the same time and thinking, Um ... this is NOT going to end well. (Spoiler Alert: It didn't.) In any case, I think it's safe to conclude I took the brunt of this fall on my right side even though I don't remember how or why.

Second Spoiler Alert: For those of you who have never dislocated a body part ... it hurts. The joint also hurts when it pops back in. After that, it just aches and plays mind games with you, intimating that it might, just might, want to pop back out again with every movement. Another thing about dislocated body parts: They teach you that you really can hit those "Stayin' Alive" Bee Gee high notes because when you dislocate a joint you will squeal like a girl or a disco singer or both but YOU WILL SURVIVE!1! This is the secret shame that all dudes who have ever dislocated a joint share, but not in a gay way. O, what the hell! You've already behaved like a girl, might as well go whole hog and share it in a gay way, you pussies, not that there's anything wrong with that!

So yeah, I screamed, and No, not in a Roger Daltrey-"Won't Get Fooled Again"-YEEEEE-AAAAAAHHHH!1!-manly-CSI way. And we've all known since 1979, thanks to Alien, that in space, no one can hear you scream, but did you know that at 5:30 a.m. in the back parking lot of a school No One Can Hear You Scream, Either? Or, if they hear you, they just don't care or come to help. Or perhaps they think you are some lucky chick in the throes of orgiastic ecstasy and they're just respecting your privacy2. And the only reason I'm bringing this up is I suspect people will be all, "Say, how would you know what can and can't be heard from a back parking lot of a school at 5:30 a.m.? Just how much time do you spend behind schools in the early morning hours and why?" Because now all of you are my witnesses that the answers to these questions are: Not much; and To run and fall on my @$$.

However: I Will Survive
1 No, wait, that's not a tail! That's my penis! But it's big enough to be a tail because it reaches the ground when I'm standing.

2 Hahahahahaha! As if! I know if I ever heard what I thought was the sound of some particularly vocal nympho climaxing, I'd run there faster than I ever ran in my life! And if I got there and found that it was really just some dufus dude who'd fallen and dislocated his shoulder? I'd get the boot in on him for sure, and say, "Hey Dickhead, watch it, because next time I won't even come running because haven't you ever heard the fable of Teh Boy Who Cried Female Orgasm? Pervert!"

And then I'd leave him there.


  1. Sorry to hear that G! My gosh...spend too much time around Q and suddenly JOINTS are popping OUT!
    While reducing said joint, did you use any form of tree or branch or rock to create a class one lever system like Q would have?
    Steve is running a Five Zero K this weekend. Will be at the Five K?
    Heal fast, and keep us posted!

  2. Made me think...Steve is running a 50k on your 50th. Who's turning 5 that inspired you to run a 5k?

  3. Pffffttt! You walked back home? Is your husband a recreational runner too?

    Good thing you don't need your shoulder to run a, 5k's hurt the whole time anyways, what's a little more pain?

  4. Hoo! Dr. Nic and Teh PeachyEscargot are ON FIRE this morning! Hilarious!

    Although, I think it is a total dude move to kick you when you are down (and proven to not be an orgasming whoo-wer)and since, contrary to what you keep telling people, I am NOT a dude I will say...

    Smooth move E-lax, you get a Powerpuff girls band-aid for your boo boo?!

    Wait, no. That is not what I meant to say. What I REALLY meant was...

    Dude, I am sorry to hear that. I hope your shoulder is not really hurt, because yes, popping a joint out really hurts (that is what he said) and should not be taken lightly.

    Take care you. *smooches*

  5. For the record, I think the A Few Good Men joke was definitely worth the set up, and I'm going to start using WWGQHD in my regular life.

  6. REL your comment: I forgot to tell you that I also caught my wiener in my zipper this morning after peeing.

    What're you gonna do about it?

    Weiner? It that the new cool kid term?

    Honey, your skinny jeans are WAY too tight if you are catching your labia in the zipper.

    I am just saying...

  7. Zipper labia (wistful glance out window)... how I've missed you. [ahem.]

    Sorry to hear about the injury; that's only supposed to happen to old guys (and I mean OLD - like 50) and moronic trail guys.

  8. Oh... and 0 out of 10 for originality on the blog title.

  9. Your penis/tail footnote make me spit hot coffee out.

    Ouch to the dislocation!!! Just reading how you popped it back in (the shoulder not your penis) made me scream.

  10. The rulz is that if you fall down and actually injure yourself you are allowed to make whatever noises make you feel better. Noises that bring help are a nice bonus. In my books dislocating your shoulder counts as injury. So I'm just fine with it if you screamed like a 9 year old girl. Like you care if I'm fine with it or not, the noises have been made and the reaction is out there. Or lack of it.

    Who knew that Tuccamungiethingie park could be so dangerous? As you can see, spelling is not my strong point.

    Take care of it, and sadly, this means no trapeze sex as a birthday treat.

  11. re: the tutu: as i recall - it was for a younger niece. being blue, ian decided that it was ok for boyz to wear. he wore it constantly for about a week b4 he moved onto something else (a feather boa, i believe) (or not).
    he doesn't know that said fotos exist - i plan to display them at his wedding.
    re: your injury - poor G-G. exercise is e-vile. u should go to teh dr and take the day off (update - he is and he will - tomorrow). what a way to end yer forties...
    love, teh bride

  12. I must've gotten soft in my hiatus, but I'm impressed you popped your shoulder back in. Good luck at the doc.

    Between that tutu pic of Ian & the one of him in diapers right after you snippets poor weinie... you're soooooo toast when he finds out.

  13. Does your parole officer know you live that close to a school?

  14. I mean, feel better. Yeah - feel better.

  15. Was the commercial for LifeCall going through your head while you were on the ground with the school kids laughing: "I've fallen and I can't get up?" FYI: When you turn 50 you can get an AARP discount for it I hear.

    But, as the poster child for injuries and someone who will be 50 in a few hundred days too, feel better.

  16. I have the body of an angel. Never had anything dislocated. Never had a broken bone. Flawless.

    Haha! 0;)