This morning I plotted out a 6-mile run and headed out. I have a 5k race on Saturday (my birthday) and this was going to be my last semi-training run.
Well, sir (and skirts) — there's a school about .32 miles from my house, behind which is a community pool, behind which is a park with trails. I just recently started including these trails in my run as a change of pace. I included the trails as part of today's run. Dun-Dun-DUNNNNNNN!
The pic below, which you'll need to click to embiggen, gives you the unnecessary graphical details you won't need to understand this post because basically the whole story is: I slipped on some wet wooden stairs leading from the trail down into the school's back parking lot, fell, dislocated my right shoulder, popped it back in, and walked home, tail1 between my legs, after having run a mere 1.78 miles and then tumbled another .01 miles for a total of 1.79 miles or less than a third of what I intended to run.
Excellent training for Saturday!
If you didn't quite grok that in verbal form, click the pic below, you Geico Caveman, and view it semi-graphically.
I do have a nice bloody welt on my right thigh which I'd include a picture of but it's too close to my n*ts@ck, which I call "The Truth", and let's face it YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH and Jebus! that was a long way to go for a stupid A Few Good Men joke that really isn't funny anyway. Also injured: my right kankle on the meaty outer part. I don't remember much of the fall except the sensation of both of my feet slipping out from under me at the same time and thinking, Um ... this is NOT going to end well. (Spoiler Alert: It didn't.) In any case, I think it's safe to conclude I took the brunt of this fall on my right side even though I don't remember how or why.
Second Spoiler Alert: For those of you who have never dislocated a body part ... it hurts. The joint also hurts when it pops back in. After that, it just aches and plays mind games with you, intimating that it might, just might, want to pop back out again with every movement. Another thing about dislocated body parts: They teach you that you really can hit those "Stayin' Alive" Bee Gee high notes because when you dislocate a joint you will squeal like a girl or a disco singer or both but YOU WILL SURVIVE!1! This is the secret shame that all dudes who have ever dislocated a joint share, but not in a gay way. O, what the hell! You've already behaved like a girl, might as well go whole hog and share it in a gay way, you pussies, not that there's anything wrong with that!
So yeah, I screamed, and No, not in a Roger Daltrey-"Won't Get Fooled Again"-YEEEEE-AAAAAAHHHH!1!-manly-CSI way. And we've all known since 1979, thanks to Alien, that in space, no one can hear you scream, but did you know that at 5:30 a.m. in the back parking lot of a school No One Can Hear You Scream, Either? Or, if they hear you, they just don't care or come to help. Or perhaps they think you are some lucky chick in the throes of orgiastic ecstasy and they're just respecting your privacy2. And the only reason I'm bringing this up is I suspect people will be all, "Say, how would you know what can and can't be heard from a back parking lot of a school at 5:30 a.m.? Just how much time do you spend behind schools in the early morning hours and why?" Because now all of you are my witnesses that the answers to these questions are: Not much; and To run and fall on my @$$.
However: I Will Survive
1 No, wait, that's not a tail! That's my penis! But it's big enough to be a tail because it reaches the ground when I'm standing.
2 Hahahahahaha! As if! I know if I ever heard what I thought was the sound of some particularly vocal nympho climaxing, I'd run there faster than I ever ran in my life! And if I got there and found that it was really just some dufus dude who'd fallen and dislocated his shoulder? I'd get the boot in on him for sure, and say, "Hey Dickhead, watch it, because next time I won't even come running because haven't you ever heard the fable of Teh Boy Who Cried Female Orgasm? Pervert!"
And then I'd leave him there.