Saturday, May 29, 2010

I Wore Him Out

I'm into the rough stuff.

This should come (so to speak) as no surprise to the 7 of you who've followed my comings (so to speaking) and goings (so to speak) through the various iterations of this blog.

Because I've said on more than one occasion that when I Ride Morrissey, My Recumbently Effeminate Exercise Bike, I GIVE IT TO HIM HARD, which I bet a lot of you thought was an exaggeration, but it's not.

And I can prove it because the other day, I broke Morrissey.

That right — I BROKE the little BITCH!1! With my HARDNESS!1!

I was riding him — HARD!1! — and I noticed he was squeaking and moaning and shaking from side-to-side more than usual — BUT I DIDN'T STOP BECAUSE I WASN'T SATISFIED YET!1! — and then when I finally "got to where I was going" (so to speak), I checked him out and I noticed the joint between the front wheel and the base of the bike had cracked1 and was causing the whole thing to wobble like a CRACK WHOO-WER who was ... well, doing whatever it is crack whoo-wers do. I wouldn't know. Because who needs a crack whoo-wer when you got Morrissey?

Turns out I do now because Morrissey is temporarily out of service until I can get his joint soldered (so to speak).

And so, for the benefit of those of you who haven't been keeping score at home are my Exercising Highlights since I got my new exercise area in the garage:
  • I dislocated my shoulder (this technically happened a day or two before Ian & Teh 'Bride set the area up, but to my mind it still falls within the penumbra of Teh Haunted Exercise Area because they were already working on it by that time)
  • My stupid fucking iPod started acting up and even the standard IT Procedure of chucking it at the ground till it bounced back up into my waiting hand didn't fix and and so I ordered a new nano online and then, when I reinstalled the software on the old iPod, it started to work again, but I stand by my decision to use physical violence on it first ... which physical violence was performed right in front of Morrissey, which is how I Keep Him In Line, because if this is how I treat my iPod, whaddaya think I have in store for YOU, BITCH!1! So BE MORE SUBMISSIVE!1! MORE!1!!1!
  • Etc.2
And so today's not a running day, but I need to figure out what I'm gonna do, exercise-wise, since I can't ride Morrissey (HARD!1! BITCH!1!). I guess I'll just do some yoga, exercise and the like. Can't do much with weights because of the injured wing.

Then, later this morning, we have to go up to Teh 'Bro's place in the Poconos to spend the day with him, his wife and my two sisters who are coming in from MI for the weekend and that certainly promises not3 to be a tension-filled day of unresolved family squabbles and accusations-arising-childhood-conflicts-somehow-working-their-way-to-the-forefront-of-the-agenda FUN AND GAMES!1!

In other words, a Typical Irish Catholic Family Get-Together.
1 Yeah, I guess I could take a picture of this and upload it but Morrissey knows that I alone get to see his naked joints. The rest of you? Get your own Submissively Recumbent & Effeminate Exercise Bike ... if you're MAN enough to handle one!1!

2 There was other stuff. I just can't remember it right now.

3 The well-placed "not" is what makes this statement such quintessentially enjoyable sarcasm. BITCHEZ!1!


  1. Soldering won't work. Try welding. Good luck.

  2. Nic and Ellie (well, Ellie anyway) had the baby!

  3. @Keith- Hoo! Thank you for that. Clearly, G is a librarian with ZERO fix it skills.

    @Dr. Nic and Ellie - CONGRATULATIONS! As a high school teacher (with no children of her own I might add) I feel I should give you the following advice: You have at least 15 years before he makes you abjectly miserable. Enjoy those years. Take lots pictures and carry them with you so when he hits that stage, they will remind you that he was adorable once. Videos of him saying "I love you" and of him NOT scowling are also a good idea. :)

    @G: re: a semi-recent comment on SQ blog

    He has a health class now, so he's starting to talk more about his penis. At first, I didn't look forward to having "the talk" with him, but I realize I have a loophole: When he asks where babies come from, I'm gonna say, "The Newark airport. That's where we got you."

    This is not technically a lie.

    EAT IT, parents who didn't adopt!1!

    Hilarious, but your pompous use of an abbreviation for "water closet" instead just saying 'bathroom' like the ugly American you are, lost you points.

  4. Any comment on Rolling Stone mag's list?

    So wrongheaded in so many ways, but Weezer did make the bottom 5!

  5. How are you sure your Effeminate Exercise Bike is a "HIM?

  6. Dang, you're a little more into the hardcore stuff than I originally thought. Poor Morrissey. You neglected to give him a safe word, didn't you?

  7. Poor poor Morrissey. Mistreated & underappreciated :(

    Have fun in the mountains with the Heisenclan!

  8. Halladay had the stuff tonight....

  9. @PeachyEscargot: "Halladay had the stuff." Kind of an understatement!

    What's the deal with two perfect games already this season?

  10. About my competing with baby Edwin: I'm just jealous that he's been in a woman more recently than I have.