Sunday, May 23, 2010

Lazy Rainy Sunday

After I got home from the race yesterday, I immediately changed into my workboots to cut the lawn. It hadn't been cut in two weeks because last weekend was my birthday1 and I didn't feel like doing it (the lawn, perverts! Alternate acceptable assumption on your part as to what "it" referred to: sex; because I have this lower back thing ...) so I let it go for a week but it really needed it (THAT's NOT What She Said!1!) this week so I did it.

And Teh 'Bride was all: "You can wait till tomorrow because we're going to see Teh 'Dad in like an hour and you just ran a race and we have nothing on tap for tomorrow."

Which was true. But I said, "No, it might rain tomorrow and I don't want to let it go for another week and this way I really won't have anything for tomorrow and I can really veg."

Of course, there's actually tons of stuff that needs to get done on days where you have "nothing to do". Today, for example, I have  to fuck the dog waste time writing this post; do my workout (Morrissey, prepare for me to GIVE IT TO YOU H- ... aw, fuck it. I have a headache); go to the CSA place and GET OUR FIRST BOXED SHARE of the season (Woo-Hoo! Fresh veggies!); get giant bags of salt for our water filtration system (our town's water blows and we double filter it: once to soften it and once to take out the various toxins that just seem to be a part of life in Joisey, Teh Landfill of Your Dreams); possibly take Ian fishing, if it stops raining (he's been randomly hugging me all morning and telling me how much he loves me because I've told him whether or not we go fishing depends on how he behaves; he's also — no lie — been telling me how he thinks we need to spend more time together, just us, Dad and Son, and while we're spending that time together, why not go fishing? This is very subtle and I can't even see that I'm being emotionally manipulated because he's that good); plus etc.

So there's my Lazy Rainy Sunday.

So far, the only part of all this that I've accomplished is this here fuck the dog write a post part, which isn't even hard (THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!1!2).

So time to get at it.
1 Happiest words of my life: "Today, I Am A Geezer!" O, sure, I've been referring to myself as a "geezer" for awhile, now, but that's only because all you zygotes out there don't know that "geezer" is a technical term with a very specific meaning and you're not officially a geezer until you get your first 10 mail solicitations from the AARP — which, conveniently, all come on the same day (THAT'S What SHE etc.!). Up to that point, when you call yourself a geezer, you're kinda like that guy with a Casio keyboard playing variations of "Louie Louie" who calls himself a "musician". Show me your Union Card, Poseur! Well, I am no longer a Geeseur! I am a true Geezer, because AARP wants me!

In related news, I declined to join the AARP ... 10 times (THAT's What SHE ... etc.1a!)

1a Now that I'm a real geezer, that classic line will have to follow slightly different set-up lines, such as: "Wow, I'm tired. Now that I'm in bed, all I want to do is sleep (THAT's What SHE ETC.!1!1!) or "Leave me alone! I have a headache (THAT's What SHE ETC.!1!1!) or "Leave me alone! I have a lower back issue (THAT's What SHE ETC.!1!1!) ... I could go on, but you get the point. I must make this correction because that's what post-50 realism demands. Plus, ignorant zygotes, THIS is what's known as mature comedy.

Now leave me alone! I have a ... (let's see what you people have learned):

a. Boner

b. Trouser pup-tent

c. Early-bird special coupon and it's nearly 4:30! Gotta hurry!

d. Rent-a-Tranny on Speed Dial

Correct answer for Typical Geezer: C.

Correct answer for me: Secret 5th option D: ALL of the above!

EAT IT, zygotes!1!

2 Now there's a classic post-AARP Geezerly TWSS!1!


  1. Geezer is not soley (or souly) age defined. Not all old people are geezers. Not all geezers are old. Geezer can be an attitude, or a physical condition. Probably many conditions, come to think of it.

    I'd never heard of AARP before now, so I did what all right thinking people would do in the face of ignorance. I googled it. Holy crap are these people full of themselves!!! It goes on and on. Do these boomers think they are special or what?

  2. Aiyeeee!!! So many posts, so little time to comment (but seeing that RBR straddling the neighbor's equipment again, sweet!)

    You ran a TRAIL race? Have you gone mad?

  3. From what I hear, Geezer's get a senior citizen discount at Rent-A-Tranny, since they usually fall asleep before anything happens and you can convince them they had the time of their fucking life.

    Gullible lot, those Geezers.

  4. p.s. Extra points for 'zygotes'