Saturday, May 15, 2010

Race Report; And Happy Fucking Birthday To Me, Bitchez!1!

I turn 50 today, a feat Teh 'Bro, who's 14 months older than I, achieved last year, which really burns me, because I've had all these years to catch up to him, but he still beat me to 50. Fucking Geezer!

I mention this because he gave a Great Big Sigh of Relief when he turned 50 because it was a big deal for him because (this is Teh 'Bro's Basic and Typically Irish Teh-Pint-of-Guinness-Is-Half-Empty Outlook On Life, here, in a nutshell) all he could think about before he turned 50 was that three of our six siblings (there were seven of us in all) died before they hit 501. My brother Frank died when he was 30; my sister Laura when she was 46; and my sister Virginia just a few years ago when she had just turned 49.

So Teh Bro's been rooting for me to make it across that great (albeit arbitrary) divide. I hadn't thought of it this way — that making it to 50 in this generation of the Heisenberg family is a rare feat — but I guess it's true. Because Teh 'Bro, back in 2000, went through a bit of a scare himself and was in the hospital for over a month, which is something they just do NOT do these days (I'm including the year 2000 under the rubric "these days"), and if you're in the hospital that long these days you, generally speaking, don't leave the hospital any way other than in a body bag.

Teh 'Bro had what they were hinting was cancer of the pancreas, but they couldn't really tell; but then they said it was just inflammation of the pancreas and he needed to have his gall bladder out, which they couldn't do until his pancreas detumesced, as it were.

It finally did a few months later, and they re-admitted him to the hospital and took the gall bladder out and he and his pancreas have basically been fine ever since.

But it was really scary for those first couple of weeks that he was in the hospital because we were convinced he was dying and I couldn't believe that my Dad and my Mom (who was still alive at the time) were going to see yet another of their kids die.

So I'm content to be 50 and to be married to Teh 'Bride and to have a great little boy in Ian. And not just because the only real alternative to aging is death.

But rather because I'm happy with my life.

Picture added later: While I was writing the latter half of this post, Ian and Teh 'Bride returned from the Fishing Tournament she took him to. He won FIRST PRIZE! In two hours, he caught 27 fish! Next highest fish count? Eleven. Hey other kid's parents! Your kid's a LUUUZER! (Kidding!) Last year, when I took Ian, he caught two! So maybe I'm the luuuzer. Sounds like someone (Teh 'B.) is Ian's good luck charm. Hahahahaha! Now SHE  has to take him whenever he wants to go fishing! Woo-Hoo!
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To celebrate my 50th birthday, I am going to run a 5k race as slowly as I can —

Later ... I started to write this post before I left for the race, but didn't get a chance to finish it then, so now the rest of this is post-race.

I was going to say, pre-race, that I reckoned I'd shoot for a finishing time of 40-45 minutes. Well, when I race, I don't wear a Garmin or a heart monitor or anything like that; all I wear is my iPod, and when I say that's it, I mean that's it, because other than the iPod, I'm totally naked!1!

Hahahahaha! Just kidding. I wear a thong and pasties.

But my point is, when I race,  I have no way of knowing how fast I'm going or how hard (that what she said!) I'm trying, so I just try to gauge all of that by how my fellow racers are doing. And in today's race, I thought about three-quarters of the runners started out ahead of me and in the course of the race I was passed by at least 10 more runners, including a couple of chicks, one of whom was being paced by her boyfriend, and some 9 year-olds and someone pushing a stroller whose gender I refused to discover (the someone's gender, I mean, not the stroller's — I just stared at the ground while I was passed — because if it had been a chick, that just would have been too demoralizing. So I figured I was doing okay re: my intention to run slowly.

But as it turns out, I ran the race in 25:51, which was good enough to get me 85th place in a field of roughly 225 racers. So top half but not top third. I have no idea where I was in my gender group2 or in my age group. All's I know is becoming a geezer of 50 didn't help me none in winning an AG award, because they gave out 1st and 2nd place awards in each decade group for each gender and I didn't get squat.

Fucking speedy geezers!

[Added 5/19: The official results are finally up:  There were exactly 225 runners; I was 85th; I was 70th in a field of 126, so not even top half; I was 10th in a field of 21 geezers aged 50-59. Number one in that AG was second in the race overall with a time of 18:06.]

As I neared the finish line, the "We'll Soon Be Home" section of the mini-opera "A Quick One While He's Away" came on my iPod, which I thought was a nice coincidence. (It was All Who All The Time on my iPod for Today's race.)
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1 Teh 'Bro's actual birthday e-mail today, which I just got while writing this here post: "another one-armed [Heisenberg] male makes it to 50!  What were the odds?"

The one-armed thing is because he first dislocated his shoulder when he was like 25 and never got PT at the time and now regrets it because every couple years or so he dislocates it again. He insisted that I insist on PT when I went to the doctor, but I didn't have to because the doctor recommended it all on her own.

2 Which is "Other". Hahahahaha! No, seriously, that's RBR's group, and that's why she always comes in first!

19 comments:

  1. Happy Birthday. I personally don't think that geezerhood starts until one turns 60 or looks like one has turned 60. Fifty, in contrast, might just be better classified as "fossil" but the digging is often too much of an effort for most. This of course is due to the fact that I'll be crossing that arbitrary threshold myself shortly if all goes to plan.

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  2. Nice work G!!! Hey, they are having a "2 for the price of 1" tranny sale at the local market...you better hurry....

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  3. haven't read teh post yet but i just wanted to say have a GREAT BIRTHDAY, OLD MAN!

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  4. I don't think it's any coincidence that I saw this commercial today, your birthday:
    http://www.oldspice.com/videos/all/23/Armpit_Mountain_15/
    Those Rat B@st@rds at Old Spice name an anti-perspirant after your bitter rival, the Schmatterhorn? And they let me know about it on your BIRTHDAY?
    I wouldn't take that lying down. (TWSS)

    Which makes me think...what would Old Spice name their product, if it were named after you?

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  5. Never mind about not being able to post a comment.

    Figured it out all myself.

    Congrats to you on your 5k, & to Ian for his awesome trophy-winning fishing skilz! Dunno about TB, but so far Ian's been the only one in your house to bring bling home.

    Happy birthday, old man.

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  6. Happy Birthday!!

    50 is the new 30.

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  7. Okay, I'm a day late, but happy b'day anyway. People in my family make it to 85-90 years old, griping and whining the whole way, making it seem a lot longer to everyone, so 50 is no big deal - except to those who didn't make it, of course.

    Nice job teaching Ian to hold the trophy toward the camera so it looks bigger; he's a true fisherman!

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  8. Wow GQ...yerrrr wicked OLD!!! LOL...J/K. I can't joke about the age thing when I am a GRAMMA! Nice to see you. I thought you dropped outa Blogland!!! Nice race time too!

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  9. Happy belated birthday! And congrats to Ian. I assume he'll be hosting one of those fishing shows on PBS or some such granola-crunching tv channel soon. Big hippie thumbs up! :)

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  10. Happy birthday Glaven! It still scares me to think that there were 7 of you heisenkids running around. That's catholic birth control for you. I have to assume your remaining siblings are nice people or live somewhere else because the American northeast couldn't hold that many assholes. Wait, you are in Jersey.

    Big congrats to Ian! winning a fishing tournament is impressive!

    I jest of course, losing your siblings so young is a terrible tragedy.

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  11. Happy belated Birthday G! Sounds like you had a pretty good race on your birthday.

    Ian sounds like a fishing machine.

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  12. Just to keep things per usual in comment world, Ronnie James Dio died, so no more "Man on the Silver Mountain."

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  13. Once again, using Ian's cuteness and talents to obfuscate your own....

    WAIT! 25: fucking 51?!

    With a broken wing and everything? (which has become MUCH more suspect now. I retract my smooches and sympathy. hmpf!)

    Slow, my ass. Fucking sandbagger.

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  14. it wasn't me - it was his lucky underpants that helped him to win! (the ones that he kept on all weekend + probably sneaked + wore to school today)

    love, teh bride

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  15. Happy late birthday! Who knew the trick was lucky underpants? Sounds like you need to stop washing those pasties. I'd take 25:51 in a heartbeat though.

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  16. So I'm content to be 50 and to be married to Teh 'Bride and to have a great little boy in Ian. And not just because the only real alternative to aging is death.

    But rather because I'm happy with my life.


    You have a beautiful family and a beautiful way with words (n*ts@ck, notwithstanding) and you are fully deserving of the equally beautiful life you have.

    Congratulations on making it to 50 and here is to 50 more. (You know you get to meet Willard Scott when you turn 100. I would pay good money to see you call him a n*ts@ck fondling fucktard on the Morning Show. No, perv, not to fondle his n*ts@ck, just call him one. Jeez)

    I hope your birthday weekend was FAB!

    *smooches*

    I know, I went all sappy on you. I AM a girl. I am allowed.

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  17. What did you do with the 27 fish? That is a LOT of fish-sticks.

    Ditto what RBR said (because she said it so beautifully)

    And here's one more Happy B-day Glaven!

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  18. I don't care what all these assholes say, I think you are a good fella!

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