Wednesday, May 19, 2010

This 'n' That; Clarifications

The title of yesterday's second post - viz., "Marathon Quest" - seemingly confused a few of my readers, i.e., the seven of you who read this blog and therefore may or may not read this here clarification at some point. So here's the clarification:

I called it Marathon Quest because that's what the dude who's doing this charitable running thing called this thing he's doing. I should have foreseen that titling a post "Marathon Quest" would lead foax to think that I myself was on some sort of marathon quest, but I didn't.

Just to be clear: You should never think that about me, viz., that I am embarking on a Marathon Quest of my own, because that is just never going to happen. First of all, Teh 'Bride would kick me straight in teh n*ts@ck if I ever even thought about doing a marathon1 because training for a marathon would entail taking entirely too much time away from other more important things, like sitting around watching TV or playing Extreme Competitive N*ts@ck-Readjusting2 (not a sport for the faint of 's@ck).

Second of all, I myself have no interest in running a marathon. I of course do not mean that as a judgment on those of you out there who have run marathons3; it's just not something I care to devote my time to4.

In fact, I probably will never even run a half marathon. I have nothing but respect for those of you who have5; but I never will.
The official results for that 5k I ran last Saturday are up. It ain't purdy. I was 85th in a field of 225; 70th in a field of 126 dudes (so not even top half); and 10th in a field of 21 Male Geezers between the ages of 50 and 59. In fact, the guy who came in second overall with a time of 18:06 was a geezer of 51.

Fucker6! But his last name - get this! - is "Fogelsong"! Hahahahahaha! No wonder he runs so fast - with a name like that, he probably had to run fast as a kid7!

Yeah, I'd much rather be slow and have the normal name that I have.
This morning's run: 7.07 miles in 1:03:00.
1 But that in and of itself is not the biggest deterrent ... or even necessarily a bad thing because it depends on where she's going with the old n*ts@ck-kick - i.e., on how she means it. It could mean so many different things. Well ... two. One of which is good. I'm talking hubba-hubba good.

But I've said too much.

2 I'm seeded. And yes, I realize that could be taken two different ways (THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID EXCEPT SHE SAID "THREE" NOT "TWO"2a!).

2a Because, let's face it ... she's a bit of a whoo-wer2b.

2b Not that that's a bad thing.

3 Not up there in the main text, I don't. But let's face it: Most of what I say in the main text is all lies and if I tell the truth, which I rarely do, it's only down here, in the footnotes, amidst all the rubbish and random letters and words that somehow became unanchored from the main text and fell to the bottom of the post like so much verbal sediment. Because down here I'm not afraid to tell you that if you ran a marathon, you suck. In fact, you're worse than Hitler.

4 Also, I don't want to blow, the way you marathoners do. Because not only do you suck, you also blow. I thought you should know. Also, you're worse than bin Laden4a.

4a Too soon? Okay. Pretend I said Mussolini instead. In fact, the only reason I didn't is I wasn't sure of the spelling and I didn't feel like looking it up. After all, Mussolini isn't a spelling gimme, like "Phil Specter"4b.

4b A very special "fcuk yuo" (which I think is how you spell it) to a very special4c someone.

4c And yes, I realize "special" can be taken in two different ways here. But I only mean it in one way4d.

4d Viz., the has-to-wear-a-helmet-at-all-times-to-keep-from-hurting-himself sense.

5 Which is to say, I respect how much you suck5a.

5a No I don't. These are the footnotes, so I just can't lie to you about that. It would be churlish5b.

5b That "churlish" is for you, RBR. Of course, at this point, your brainpan has probably already exploded so you'll never know I put that word in there for you, which is fine because you've run a few marathons and therefore suck.

6 Probably runs marathons, too! Douchenozzle! He's worse than Hitler, bin Laden, Mussolini and Fill Spektur all wrapped up in one douchetastic package!

7 ... sez  the guy whose first name is "Glaven". WITH A FUCKING "E", AQA ALEECE!1!


  1. Because down here I'm not afraid to tell you that if you ran a marathon, you suck

    You want to run a marathon so is written all over your blog...

  2. Ack! Teh footnotes! My pea brain can't follow all these stinking footnotes of footnotes of footnotes.

    Dang, now I am too confused to be of any use at work today...not that this is different from any other day, but I get to blame it of G today.

  3. I agree with Teh PeachyEscargot, you sooooo want it.

    By "it" I mean a tranny of your very own

    and by "want" I mean to make sweet, sweet luuuuurve

    I do, however, appreciate the "churlish" shout out, as it is my favorite "G's Word(or 16)-a-Day Blog" word.

  4. Ise gots too lurn howe yer supersuperscripten!

  5. Yeah, Fogelsang is funny. It should be Fogelgesang, because German birdsong should be grammatically correct! (Which sorta explains my shouting at chickadees "No! It's CHEESE-bur-ger, not EEEE-eh-eh. Enunciate!)

  6. @SteveQ: You are truly the quintessential biology nerd. I look seriously cool by comparison.

  7. Oh c'mon. I'm not just a biology nerd, I'm a nerd's nerd. Stephen Hawking told me "seriously, dude, you're sucking all the cool out of the room!"