Friday, May 21, 2010

Who-us Interruptus

I know I promised Who Script 3 today, and you may still get it, but it'll more likely be tomorrow because ...

Last night was Teh Boy's Spring Festival performance and, as is the norm with these things, it was incredibly cute and unintentionally hilarious.

It didn't start till 7 but we had to have Ian there by 6:30, so we were sitting around in the hot and humid gym for a half hour before the performance started and I hadn't even had a chance to change into shorts because we were so rushed1. So as usual, I'm looking at my fellow townies and I don't recognize a soul because I have cultivated an air of obliviousness which really doesn't take all that much cultivating because not noticing things pretty much comes to me natural-like. And of course my peopley-personable spouse, Teh 'Bride, is all "That little girl used to be in my storytime ... That fat bald guy? Yeah, he was the quarterback on my high school's football team. He's actually nice, unlike most football players ... That little boy over there? He was in my special needs storytime ..."

And I glance over to where Teh 'B. is indicating the little boy is, and it turns out he's right in front of his mother, who, at the moment kinda bends forward in her chair and what does Mr. Oblivious see?


And I look back at Teh 'Bride and get all Ian-y (i.e., I mouthed the words "O MY GOD!!!") and Teh 'Bride's all embarrassed because she didn't realize that she was pointing my eyes toward a rare spotting of a woman in mid ass crack-flossing, and for a full 30 seconds I couldn't stop giggling and I whisper (at least I hope it came out as a whisper2): "Looks like Mom has some 'special needs' of her own! Tee-hee-hee!1!" and it's like I can't help trying to sneak peeks over there to make sure I didn't imagine this, but I didn't, because there the whale tail is every time, in all its dark burgundy glory.

Hahahahahahaha! Best. Mandatory. Attendance. School Event. EVAH!1! Hahahahahaha!

The woman eventually left and lamentably took her flossy ass with her3.

Anyroad, one of the songs Ian and Crew did was "Papa Loves Mambo", which included little dance steps AND — we knew this because Ian thought doing it was weird — a PELVIC THRUST accompanied by a grunted "UNH!!"4

And here it is (Ian's in the long-sleeved shirt with the tail out, next to the kid with the tie):

That was Teh Awesome.
1 Not that it's any of your business, but the reason we were rushed is the county clerk's office is open one night per month and last night was that night and we needed to get there to renew Ian's passport because kids' passports are good for only 5 years, not 10, and this summer our Big Vacation is a cruise to the exotic Isle of Kanadia and Teh 'Bride was worried that if Ian didn't have his passport, he'd be seized by Evil Brown-Shirted Kanadian Storm Troopers who would throw him into an Igloo Dungeon and force unspeakable things on him: "Here, Young Hoser — eat this Kanadian Bacon, eh?"

Don't do it, Ian! It's a trick! It's HAM!1! 

And so we had to eat dinner first, get the passport, then get Ian to the performance.

Just getting him to eat dinner was a trial. "Can I go outside?" "No, Ian, we're in a rush! We have to do your homework, get that passport, get you to school for the performance ..." "So I can't even go out and PLAY!?! O MY GOD!!!!!" [Yeah, we're the worst parents ever.]

"Eat your dinner, Ian." "But I'm not hungry!" "If you don't eat, you'll have a total freak!" "I won't freak at school! O MY GOD!!!!!" "I know — you'll wait till after the performance and we'll have to deal with all that loveliness at bedtime."

"O My GOD!!!!!"

And the only reason I'm telling you all this, which as I said is none of your business, is I'm killing time till the video I want to include above finishes uploading to youtube. It's done now, so you'll get no more Heisenberg family secrets in this post!

2 It was probably more a breathy yell.

3 Her ass wasn't that great — Teh 'Bride's is way better; it was probably a 6 or 7, tops. But I'm giving it a TEN because spotting it at a school event? That is deserving of being graded on a curve!

And WHAT a curve!1!

Plus I can't be blamed for looking because Teh 'Bride pointed her out! Am I right, ladies?

4 So perhaps thongs were appropriate attire.



  1. Whaddaya need a passport to go to Canada for? It's just, like, an auxiliary America. Jeez, thy don't even have their own currency. They use DOLLARS! HELLO, we invented the dollar. That shit be OURS.

    Although...they do use the creepy, incomprehensible and probably Communist-derived Metric maybe they are a forrin country after all.

    I wish they'd get themselves a PROPER system of measurement based on the size of some dude's foot. Please. What's more natchural: the human body or the dimensions of the Earth?

    Watch out for that so-called "bacon" up there. And avoid Tim Horton's. They're just Canadian recruitment centers. They lure you in with universal health care and fully nude strip clubs that serve booze and the metric system and the next thing you know you're trapped in a place WHERE IT'S WINTER 10 MONTHS OUT OF THE YEAR.

  2. Dude, you can't teach your only son a better pelvic thrust than that? What kind of parent ARE you?

    In his defense the whole damn class was pretty lame in the thrusting department (that is what she said), as they were lead by, who was that? Margaret Thatcher?

    Back to School night for some of my more "challenged" classes has become an exercise in how to hold a conversation with people whose boobs are hoisted up under their chin and on display like a pig on a platter or have a tattoo on their neck of two (or more) people engaged in sexual activities that are illegal in most of the southern states, without staring mouth agape and asking "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

    Side note: Hats off to Sun Runner. Best Canadian diatribe EVAR!

    Wait, they have fully nude strip bars that serve booze?

    Hmm...Then I don't give a shit what they call it. Canadian bacon, ham, whatever.

  3. HEY! If youv'e never had Tim Hortons, you can't say anything...

    Work out summary May 21, 2010

    Ran: 103 decameters
    Tempature: 12 degrees (HOT)
    Kilojoules Burnt: 3.34944


  4. Wait, they have fully nude strip bars that serve booze?

    Yes. Isn't that awesome?

    I can see Canada from my house (well, almost). I don't trust them any more than I can throw them a meter.

  5. Ian looked to be about a quarter-beat off from the rest, so he must get his rhythm from you (who's a complete beat-off).

  6. 1) Find
    2)Click "Photos"
    3)Then click "More photos"
    4) Laugh at the ATV pic before she removes it.

  7. I can't believe you didn't get a shot of that whale tale in the video. What kind of lame perv are you?

    That was, quite possibly, the worst pelvic thrust by a group of people ever. The giggling behind the camera kind of made up for it though.

    Neil Z's work out summary made me laugh out loud.

  8. I'd probably be just as enthusiastic with my pelvic thrusts if I had to do it in front of a horde of giggling whale-tailed parents.

    @SQ - you're a scary stalker.

  9. It's a keeper so that when he is about to graduate from high school, or get married, or has a serious girlfriedn that you don't like, you can always whip that puppy out (that's what she said) and embarrass him to death!