Monday, June 14, 2010

Coming To Terms With Hideousness

Long ago — probably way before any of you zygotes were born — I came to the sad conclusion that, when Teh Good Lord was portioning out handsomeness to all the other dudes — "Here, Tom Cruise: you're only 4-foot-2, so you can have two extra helpings — NO NO! Not from that pink bag! That's where I keep Teh GAY!1! ... O! Too late! Now only Scientology can save you!1!" — I was still off in the corner admiring the extra-large, perfectly proportioned, woman-pleasing penis He'd given me1. Because I'm pretty hideous to look at2, and I've been aware of that fact roughly all my life. It's as though all those other, lesser-endowed dudes were given like 10 minutes to beat my face mercilessly with ugly sticks as compensation for their ... let's just say "shortcomings".

But my main points here are: a) I have an enormous, woman-pleasing penis; and b) the race pix from the trail run are up and there are three or four pix of me and even though I know I'm hideous ... really, what the fuck, photographer? Am I that hideous and gargoyle-like?
 Actual, un-retouched post-race photo of Glaven Q. Heisenberg from Saturday's trail run. Yes, I know: I'd've posted a much better time in the race if I hadn't worn the bow tie. But it distracts people from my face.

I mean, geez! I know I'm a horse-faced gargoyle3 and all; but these pix ovah hee-yah are just a little too honest, if ya ask me. I mean I'm chokin' on my outrage ovah hee-yah!

Another un-retouched photo, taken during the race. I managed to smile for the camera, somehow. Note the custom-made codpiece-enhanced running shorts, the only kind I can run in, for obvious reasons, and they TOTALLY were NOT photoshopped in!
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6.39 miles in 58:25 for a 9:05 pace this morning.
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UPDATE: Well, the race results are up and it turns out I was 39th out of 80 (including 11 DNFs); third in my age group; and 27th out of 44 men (including 4 DNFs).
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1 And my n*ts@ck? Don't even get me started! Thanks, Lord!1!

2 ... from the waist up.

Am I turning you on, ladies?

3 Typical faux pick-up line I hear from female racers: "What's a gar-goyle like you doin' in a race like dis hee-yah, knowwhutahmsayin'? Allduerespect, but yer pretty fuckin' ugly, is what I'm gettin' at."

THEY THINK THEY'RE SO FUCKING FUNNY!1!

11 comments:

  1. The Tom Cruise bit was really funny (though, only Scientology can HAVE you seems better). From the last post: 6 foot 4? Really? Or is that just when reclined and erect?

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  2. Now you have me remembering Moe in the boxing episode, where he progressed from Kid Handsome to Kid Presentable to Kid Gruesome to Kid Moe.

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  3. I think it's the three yellow fingers that are the MOST HAWT! (or is it "the HAWT-EST?")

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  4. Thank God for your blog-with all the stress I'm putting on myself-it's great to read this and crack myself up!

    Thanks!

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  5. ...and arms that can't be contained by sleeves, on top of it all, eh?

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  6. You have posted face pics before, you are so full of shit.

    Very funny post though.

    For the record 'toe head' is an acceptable spelling of 'tow head.' It was on the internet, so it has to be true.

    Err, wait, didn't I just read this on the interwebs?

    GQH: "a) I have an enormous, woman-pleasing penis;"

    Well, shit. My bad. I guess it is just "tow head."

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  7. I still say you're hawt...but maybe I'm just enchanted by the phrase "enormous, woman-pleasing penis." Glad you didn't trip over it and stumble before hitting the finish line.

    And congrats on the third place AG finish!!!!Way to go!

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  8. Not to beat a dead, freakishly hairy n*ts@ck, but there was a space between 'toe' and 'head' therefore this is the correct urban dictionary link :
    http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=toe%20head

    (no, I am not cool like some uber nerd I know, and cannot make a hyperlink thingy. Whatever.)

    Although the camel-toehead thing was pretty damn funny.

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  9. Do you not wear your glasses on trail races? Asking for a goat to sneak up on you if you ask me.

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