Thursday, June 17, 2010

Early Morning Kankle Run

This morning, I decided it was time to get back on Teh Kankle Run1 Tip  and so I strapped on — WAIT FOR IT, Pervs!1! — a dildo2 and my ankle weights and I ran 2.37 miles in 26 minutes, which MapMyRun assures me is a craptacular 11-minute pace.

I have, as I pointed out in an earlier post that no one read, convinced myself that Kankle Runs make me faster. I have little direct evidence to support this contention, but since I came up with this fucktarded idea of occasionally running with weights strapped to my legs, I am emotionally invested in this probably false belief; because why else would I continue to do this idiotic thing, which inevitably rubs my ankles raw — till they bleed in fact — if I go for more than one week without doing a one? And which just generally makes me huff and puff like a Rotund English Barrister of some sort?

So I tell myself it makes me faster.

And so but I used to try to do Kankle runs of at least 4 miles, but since I'm just making things up about K. Runs' usefulness, I told myself this morning that it doesn't really matter how long Teh Kankle Run is ... it'll still make me faster. This was a very comforting and useful fact for me to've invented, because it motivated me to do the K. Run this morning.

But the shorter run still made my ankles bleed ... but did you know that bleeding ankles make you stronger and more virile3 and are a real turn on to women? It's true! And has been since 5:30 this morning when I made that fact up out of thin air4.

Other, truer, facts: I'm still going to PT for my dislocated shoulder. I thought it was way better than it was, because, as a librarian and a webmaster, I have very little occasion to be lifting my arms above my head; also, I have little occasion for doing that whilst being a Lazy Fat-Ass at home. And so I thought my shoulder was nearly all better because I was feeling virtually no pain while engaged in arm-al activities down here on the level of existence where all you little (i.e., shorter than 6'5") people spend most of your time.

But I have a 10-year-old son who every now and then wants someone to pitch the ball to him so he can smack it around5 a bit and, let's face it, Teh 'Bride is no help here because she throws like a girl and also looks like one6 . So even though my right shoulder is fucked up — and I pitch rightie — I still have to be the one to pitch to him.

Which, right now, I can only do underhanded. So the shoulder still needs some therapy, I guess.

The truly tragic part of this is, next weekend (a looong weekend: Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday), Teh Heisenbergs are going for their Third Annual Jaunt to Rocking Horse Ranch, one of the highlights of which is the afternoon games of Beer Softball and Beer Volleyball. Now, unless they let me play first base or pitch (it's underhand pitch, which I can handle), I won't be able to play the field; and I won't be able to play volleyball at all.

Luckily, the injury has not significantly affected my ability to drink beer, so I plan to do my part in that area, regardless. Because I'm All Man and so I Soldier On Past Teh Pain.

The beer would want it that way.
1 For those of you not in the know already, "Kankle Run" = a run with a 10-pound weight strapped to each ankle; or the avoirdupois weight equivalent of One HeisenPenis.

Am I turning you on, ladies?

2 See? For once it was worth the wait. But, in fact, no dildos were harmed, or used, in this morning's Kankle Run.

3 Possibly more viral. I get those two confused sometimes.

4 Fact-finding missions are for luuuuzers. Real Men (i.e., me) go on fact-inventing missions, which you can do from the comfort of your own home, beer in hand. Which reminds me: Beer for Breakfast is GOOD for you! (<-- Cigars for everyone! For another "Fact" has just been born!)

5 Ian, by the way, is a straight-away-to-center-field hitter, because he has, on numerous occasions, nearly taken my fucking head off with his line drives up the middle, which I'm powerless to defend myself against because of this bad wing. I just can't get my arm up in time to block them, and ladies, that is the only time you'll see me complaining about not being able to "get it up", because I gotz no problem in that area.

Come on, admit it! That turned you on!

6 Which is kinda a mixed blessing for me.


  1. I'm more on track that I thought! I often drink beer for breakfast and instead of wearing the kankles, I went through the trouble of just gaining the extra 10 lbs so I am permanently doing kankle runs. I should be super fast in no time!

  2. @Lauren - I see you have a blog all set up - called Beer running no less! When are you gonna start posting, already?

    With a name like "Beer Running", it HAS to be good.

  3. "I ran 2.37 miles in 26 minutes, which MapMyRun assures me is a craptacular 11-minute pace."

    *grumble* You know comments like that make me unhappy

    @Lauren: Hoo! Hilarious.

  4. Okay, a ten year-old boy "smacking it around a bit" is totally hawt!

    Look what this blog has done to me...

  5. Ladies and gentlemen, from the Minnesota branch of NAMBLA, I give you ...


  6. Seriously, SQ. Between THAT comment & whatever the hell you did to get a canker sore of that magnitude...

    I forgot what my comment was going to be.

  7. So how did the shoulder get dislocated??? Was it from "handling" that 10lb Heisenberg Penis??

    Maybe I don't really want to know......

    I made it through part of the great "Who blog post", then my head started to spin. I love the Who like any other great Who fan, but holy crap that was quite the bibliography!

  8. G said:
    Because for me?


    Really? 'Cuz when I can make a librarian prone to writing 3000+ word posts on things like an unreleased album by The Who and footnotes his footnotes, speak in not only incomplete sentences, but incomplete words, me thinks I rocked his fucking world.


  9. I was going to find your post on losing your 3000 word (ooohhh... ur so smart... 3000 words, here's another one for you. Pound it!1! smart guy) blog post the other day, but I am too lazy and don't REALLY care.

    Listen. Why the f don't you use Live Writer!4! to author your blogs. Like seriously, how smart do you have to be, to be smarter than microsoft!2! (so you think). The Product makes it fing idiot proof and saves you rediculous amount of time in uploading. Seriously dude, I thought you were smarter.

    It pisses me off when I have to straighten out people who are OBVIOUSLY way smarter than me!3!. Lazy is sometime better, because I'm ALWAYS trying to find an easier way. now i'm just mad. How many of you out there still use blogger to author? Like really?

    Ok. Thank you and have a nice night.