Friday, June 18, 2010

I Hate My Toilets!

O, toilets! I'm sorry! I don't really hate you! How could I? You sweep my bodily wastes away to some unknown, mysterious place made entirely of poop1.

But here's the thing. Both of the toilets in our house run. (And they're even more annoying than the rest of you runners2.) When the toilets' tanks fill back up after flushing, the water doesn't always stop.

And so you'll flush and then you'll go downstairs not realizing the toilet hasn't stopped running until you go into the dining room3 and hear the water still running upstairs. Then you have to trek back upstairs, take the tank's top off and jiggle the thingymabob inside the tank because just jiggling the handle on the outside won't cut it. I've taken to waiting the 45 or so seconds it takes the tank to fill before I leave the bathroom just to be sure the toilet stops. And then for like days on end it'll behave. And you'll forget it was even a problem.

Until one day you go away for the weekend and then get back and go into the dining room and ... you hear the water. Running all weekend because you didn't check before you left because the FUCKING FASCIST TOILET LULLED YOU INTO THINKING IT WAS OKAY!1! And it thinks this is FUCKING FUNNY, evidently! Ha ha. Real hilarious, toilet.

And it was bad enough when it was just the upstairs toilet, but now the downstairs one, which was always more of a follower, has gotten in on the act and has started running, too. The only saving grace there is that you can hear it right away because it's close to the living room where the TV is and hence, is where we spend roughly 95%  percent of our non-pooping time4.

And I can hear you all out there, "Well, why don't you just FIX the fucking toilets, G? You're a man, of sorts. Unless you're lying with all your 'n*ts@ck this' and 'enormous HeisenPenis that' talk, which seems to be all you talk about and GEEZ why don't get a new act already!"

First off, you can kiss my n*ts@ck, Hypothetical Reader, because you're obviously just envious of my Enormous HeisenPenis. And second off, I want to fix them; or, actually, have them fixed or replaced by a professional plumber (it's time to upgrade, anyway), but every time I mention it, Teh 'Bride, inexplicably, objects. She has "plans" for the toilets, but she never quite articulates just what those "plans" are, and so far the "plans" have not gotten past the "planning" stage.

I sometimes think she has some sort of inappropriate relationship with our toilets.

Because after I catch one of them running for hours, I'll be all:

"THAT'S IT! I'm tearing this FUCKING thing OUT of the floor and replacing it myself!"

Teh 'B.: "No you're not! You have no idea how!"

"When has ignorance ever stopped me before?"

"No. I have 'plans' for them!"


"Shhh! They'll hear you!1!"

At that point I just stop. Because you non-Information Professionals probably don't realize this, but when a librarian plays the Shhhh! card, you take it seriously.

But help  may be on the way. Because Teh 'B's "plan" was to "try out" this new handyman a friend of hers recommended; and yesterday, Handyman Steve successfully tore down the remnants of a screened in porch that had been hanging from the back of our house for ... O ... two years? And it seems he passed the test.

Fix my FUCKING TOILETS, handyman Steve!

From Comixed
1 I.e., South Joisey.

2 Hahahahahaha! Just kidding! I love you all, even though, unlike my toilets, most of you don't let me poop on you.

At least not literally.

3 Which is where the pantry closet is; and in there is where the pipes from the upstairs bathroom are, and if you go in the dining room, you can hear the water when the toilet is still running, maybe like an hour later, and you've wasted gallons of water.

Yes, that's right. the upstairs bathroom pipes go right through our pantry. When you think about it, pert-near all Heisenberg meals begin and end in that pantry closet.

Appetizing, huh?

4 And about 1% of our pooping time because, hey ... everyone has accidents now and then.


  1. Turn the water off, drain the tank, replace the flapper valve and get on with your life!

    I, on the other hand, had to replace a non-standard toilet, and because I didn't want to replumb the whole house, used the only replacement that would fit and now I have a toilet (yes, one bathroom house - one guy, few visitors with bodily needs that can't wait) that is so short I do deep knee bends when I have to sit on it. It's a good size for someone about 4'6".

  2. Oh - I just saw the reference to me in that godawfully long Who post and, while I'm not gay as you suggest, I disagree with you in regards to soulmates necessarily having to be opposite gender. I know some counter-examples.

  3. Those running toilets can be tricky. My husband has declared it "fixed" three times now so I'm going to follow Teh Bride's example and formulate "a plan".

  4. It's really simple to fix a running toilet. SteveQ is right, just replace the flapper valve. I've done this just about every place I've ever lived and I'm just a girl. Surely, you and your n*ts@ck can figure it out.

  5. @G: You have a leaky flapper. As if that should come as a shock to you...

    @SteveQ: Read the whole footnote. It is really quite well done and validates your counter examples, as there are many counter examples. Love does not have to fit some freak in a pointy hat's definition (Don't go getting cocky, G. You still have a leaky flapper)

    Because Teh 'B's "plan" was to "try out" this new handyman a friend of hers recommended

    You don't buy a car without a test drive, why hire a handyman without taking him for a spin. I ma just sayin'. Liking this Bride lady more and more all the time. My kind of girl (that is what she said)

  6. I think Teh Bride may be having an inappropriate relationship with Handyman Steve...

  7. I've heard that some people actually "enjoy" being "pooped" on..........

  8. @Diana - ew.

    @G - what you need to do is buy two new toilets, unwrap them, then plant them where TB found that sink last year. Then she'll be DRAWN to these two lovely new non-leaky toilets & then Handy Manny can install them for you.

    Or you can try fixing the flappy thing everyone keeps talking about.

  9. The flapper leaky thingie is a snap to fix. Providing you can get parts for that particular toilet anymore. You might have to buy conversion stuff. Still, it's good for your peace of mind.

    I know from personal experience exactly where what goes down a toilet goes to. In Calgary at least I do, and the concept is similar in other places. Even Joisey. No doubt you will be astonished to learn that most days I went to work there, as a plant operator, I could have worn a suit. With some notable exceptions. But the Calgary wastewater plants I can say without fear of contradiction, are far cleaner than most work places, including many offices. Most floors, most days, would pass a white glove test.

  10. @RBR: I had to go back and read that ridiculously long post all over again just to find out... I was wrong, you are right. Crap.

    So, in the words of Cartman, "Screw you guys, I'm going home!"

  11. @SteveQ: *takes a victory lap*

    "I was wrong, you are right. -SteveQ"

    I may get that tattooed on my ass

  12. @RBR: Well, there's probably space enough.