Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Kankles Part Deux: Teh Enkanklening

O, Recently Canonized Father Damien! Where are you when I need you? Specifically, when my kankles need you. Because here's what they look like now, after two daze of "healing":

I should be on the corner begging alms of people because I seemingly have leprosy of the kankles, which is the worst kind of leprosy (excluding leprosy of the ... you know).

I think lepers should have groupies. I never thought so before, but now I do.

I totally did not feel like running this morning, but I knew I'd have to suck it up and run, so I did, weeping kankle sores and all. Pre-run, I was already sweating, at 4:30 in the morning, from doing my leg stretches and shoulder exercises (the latter for the dislocation) - neither of which are very taxing. But I tend to sweat like George Costanza after eating spicy Chinese food under the best of circumstances, and today's circumstances, I could tell already, were not going to be the best; because it was already humid and hot.

I finally got outside to run at around 5:15 and it was hot and humid. Plus, I was already tired from not enough sleep, so I wasn't exactly moving my legs in the most coordinated (or swiftest) fashion. And, as a result, I ended up kicking myself in the left kankle like three times during the run.

Fucking right foot! YOU THINK THAT'S FUNNY or something?!1!?

So I deliberately kicked it in its kankle-wound!

That should teach it.

Anyroad, the run was as bad as it sound: 6.8 miles at a 9:30 pace.
So Ian found a perfectly good aluminum bat in the neighbor's garbage yesterday1 and so we played a bit of hardball in the field behind our house. The bat was a bit heavy for Ian, so he couldn't swing it that well, even when he choked up on it, but I wanted him to get a feel for hitting a hardball as opposed to a softball or whiffleball. Nothing beats hitting a real hardball, and I don't think Ian ever had till yesterday.

Also, it was nice just to play with simple toys. All of Ian's toys, it seems, are made with sophistimacated computer chips and such, and I know all you zygotes out there probably think that's normal. But back when I was a kid, know what we played with?

A fucking sofa spring! Well, more or less. It would have to have come from the world's smooshiest sofa, but all it was was a spring, is all.

It was called a "Slinky" and we actually paid money for them. (Our parents might have been slightly fucktarded, I think.)

It even had its own catchy theme song:

It's Slinky!
It's Slinky!
For fun it's the best of the toys!
It's Slinky!
It's Slinky!
The favorite of girls and boys!
(And also hermaphrodites!)

Tragically, the Slinky never really did catch on with hermaphrodites2 and so that last line was excised from the jingle after like the first few airings of that commercial. But if you have a copy of the commercial that includes that line, hang on to it! Some Baby Boomer fucktard will probably pay you good money for it.

Because playing with pointless and boring toys like Slinkies made all of us Baby Boomers slightly fucktarded and caused us to idealize our childhoods, which were essentially excruciatingly boring and pointless.
1 Yes, all you Judgey McJudgeypantses, I not only let my son root through garbage, I encourage it. There's gold in thet thar garbage and how else will he learn the value of garbage if I do all of his trash-picking for him?

2 I'm not really sure how it fared with trannies ... RBR, did you have one as a kid?


  1. I did have a slinky, but I went by 'Scott' at the time, so I am not sure that counts.

    I also had a Cher doll, which probably was the beginning of the end.

  2. If you shaved those hairy legs, you might be faster. Just sayin'.

  3. On another note: The Band Aid brand Advanced Healing bandages are really good for healing things like that pretty quickly and protecting the wounds while there are healing. (again, I do not know ho to do the hyperlinky thing)

  4. Yes - do shop down the beauty aisle & take care of that, would you?

    I kick myself all the time while running. Your gait must be similar to mine.

  5. A band aid!! Softie. Real men use duct tape. I had a slinky once. I'm told I tied my brother to a tree with it once, which is why it didn't do what they were supposed to do anymore. Of course, I don't remember any of that.

  6. Slinky? That sounds like one of them store bought toys. In my day, we just had a log.

    It's better than bad, it's good!

  7. Nothing beats hitting a hardball? Still sounds kinky to me.

    I had a Slinky as a child. It firmed up nicely.

    Hey, there's been 4 things in my Google Reader since you posted! Usually there's 4 of your mindfarts before anything else.

  8. hmpf

    Heads off to vacay without so much as a "so long" or "kiss my ass".

    I hope you guys are having a great vacation.

  9. ZOMG!!1! Look what one of my friends just emailed me! I immediately thought of you. Turns out my actual friends are very similar to my virtual ones.

  10. I see how it is, your buddy isn't posting so you can't post.

    Such a sheep. Grow a set of your own, Senor Lemming!

    It's fine. I don't even care how your totally cool sounding vacay with the fam went. I certainly hope there are no videos of Ian doing something cute like riding a horse, 'cuz that would be LAME and as I have said, I DON'T CARE. Whatever.