Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Seven Pillars of Wisdom

Teh Peachy Escargot tagged me to say seven random things and Legend has it if you ignore such an obligation your n*ts@ck will fall off and if that happens where in the world will you keep your n*ts? In your man purse?1

So ... My Seven Pillars of Wisdom:

1. When I first met Teh 'Bride, almost exactly 20 years ago, the first thing I noticed about her was her eyes. I would not go so far as to say they are her most beautiful feature, because I wouldn't dare presume to rank the beauty of her features; any such ranking would of necessity be facile, false and pointless. But I will say they are her most striking feature because they are almond-shaped and borderline Oriental-looking and I think her eyes are the only reason some people, understandably, hesitate to conclude that our Korean-born son Ian was adopted (which he was); because Teh 'Bride's eyes make it just barely possible that she might be his biological mother.

In any case, they were the first thing I noticed about her because they were (and remain to this day) so striking.

She can be somewhat sensitive about having attention drawn to them. Here are two examples - which occurred decades apart - that illustrate how that sensitivity can sometimes manifest itself:

When Teh 'Bride was in 4th grade - long before I knew her - some boy at recess was making fun of her eyes. She had always gotten her share of "Chink eyes" taunts as a child, but I guess this kid was being especially vicious and so Teh 'Young 'Bride got sufficiently riled to kick wildly at him; and she happened to connect squarely with his n*ts@ck. This got her in big trouble - I guess it was assumed Teh 'B had aimed n*ts@ckward, but it was really just blind anger and dumb luck that combined to ensure that this kid got it right where he deserved because on that Fateful Day, Jebus was Teh 'Bride's right foot's co-pilot.

No one Teh 'Bride went to school with has ever moved away from mid-North-ish Joisey (if the frequency with which she points out to me - in restaurants, in parks, at school programs, or just while randomly walking around our town - the numerous people she "went to high school with" or "was in the 5th grade with" is any indication) and so I think she still occasionally runs into this guy at, e.g., the local mall or gas station. Awwwwwwwk-warrrrrrrd.

He still has a limp. (Not really. Just kidding.)

The second example: She was at her first appointment with a new eye doctor once and he for some reason became enamored of her Epicanthic Folds - it was as though he'd never seen an Epicanthic Fold before which, his being an eye doctor and all, just couldn't have been the case; but he was acting like a 35-year-old computer geek seeing his first real-world vagina - and he was talking to her excitedly about the shape of her eyes and asking what her ethnic background was (not Eastern, btw) and then he actually started to draw in Epicanthic Folds on the little generic picture of eyes that was on the chart in her records and she saw him doing it and and thought, Well, this is just too much and I think she literally swatted his hand away from the chart and told him: "Stop doing that!"

I guess to Teh 'Bride, this was the all-grown-up version of being called "Chink Eyes"; even though the doctor, in his defense, didn't intend it as an insult.

But to me her eyes are quite striking and I never tire of looking into them and, as I said, I won't say they are her most beautiful feature ... but I will say they are beautiful.

52. I have a different, fully-written post ready for upload but it will probably never see the light of day because it may very well be in such grossly bad taste that even I - yes, I, Glaven Q. Heisenberg - hesitate to unleash it on an unsuspecting blogosphere. It started out as what I thought was a humorous near-incident that happened this past Monday while I was bottling beer but it quickly veered - for reasons I can no more explain than I can why these things always seem to happen to me and my innocently-intended posts - into the realm of the disgusting and emetic. I still think it's funny, but I'm pretty sure if I uploaded it, I'd be about the only one who thought the "humor" compensated for the post's ick quotient. Even I can see that its grossness far outweighs any potential humor content. Of course, whatever humor it might contain proceeds from its grossness, so there really is no way to salvage this post. I know that for a fact. I tried. Imagine that! Me ... failing to reduce the grossness content of a piece of writing!

Impossible!

6. I am not looking forward to this Who program I have to do next month here at the library. They say the two greatest fears in life are Death and Public Speaking and that there are some for whom Public Speaking is the greater fear.

Those people are fucktards.

I fear this upcoming engagement, but not with a fear that surpasses my fear of death. Therefore, I am NOT a fucktard. QED.

But it is with a fear that approaches that of my fear of death. My big hope is that no one will show up for this thing and we can cancel it. There's a good chance that's how it'll play out because ... why would anyone come to a library to talk about/listen to The Who3?

If that happens - if the program gets canceled for lack of interest - I can finally redirect all of this energy back where it belongs: AT MY PARALYZING FEAR OF THE GRIM REAPER WHOSE ICY FINGERS I FEEL CLOSING AROUND MY SCRAWNY NECK!1!

Ahhhh! Much better!

7. When Teh 'Bride and I decided to name our boy Ian- and we came to agreement on the name relatively quickly, considering Teh 'Bride was floating such nominal atrocities as "Max", "Sam" and "Harry" - I wanted to spell it the Scottish way - Iain - but Teh 'Bride tearily and effectively rebuffed all of my arguments in favor of that spelling because, she said, "You don't know what it's like growing up with a name that people always misspell." (Teh 'Bride's name, as you may've surmised, is one that people routinely misspell.) So she prevailed upon me to accept the bastardized (mis)spelling I-a-n.

And so but when we sign Ian up for things, half the time the people taking names say, "Okay, Ian ... so you spell that E-i-n?"

They almost always get the "n" right, anyway.
______
1 Correct answer: Yes.

2 That' right - FIVE! because item 1. contained at least four random things.

3 There is ample reason to believe it might just play out this way because whenever I post about The Who here on my blog, I can fairly hear your palpable yawns of annoyance - and yes, one can, as all of you have collectively proved, yawn in annoyance; I wouldn't have thought so, but thanks to y'all I have all this pretty irrefutable empirical evidence - and those posts get the least amount of feedback even from those of you who seem always to have something to say.

Coming to a (nominal) running blog to find a post about music is probably pretty comparable to coming to a library and finding some douchenozzle pontificating on the subject of The Who, and I suspect the reaction to the latter case will be analogous to the reaction to the former, viz.:

Annoyed Yawning.

7 comments:

  1. Damn dude, I got my own label....that and a quarter ought to get me a cup of black on the gulf coast....

    You completely buried the lead with item #5...
    I - yes, I, Glaven Q. Heisenberg - hesitate to unleash it on an unsuspecting blogosphere.

    The fact that you mentioned it means you want to post. Fear of backlash? So you lose a reader...what is the difference between having 7 readers or 6? Remember, this incident occured on Monday. Memorial Day! Rosie the Riveter made the great sacrifice for the freedom to blog your ick

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  2. Post it. You know you wanna.

    My real first name is super common and it constantly gets butchered. So does my last name, but that's to be expected since it's such a hot greek mess. And no, it doesn't end in -opoulos. Surprising, I know.

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  3. Where to start...

    So I will start with

    1. your list of 7, err I mean, 4 random things about you (no, your admittedly endearing and very romantic retellings of Teh Bride's childhood traumas and aesthetic gifts do NOT, by definition, count as random things about you even though you are a lucky bastard for her ever directing her epicanthic folds in your direction. IMHO)

    2. I do not believe any such post as eluded to in number 5 exists. I firmly call BULLSHIT, which is the lesser cousin of loosely calling BULLSHIT, since we all know loose bullshit is decidedly worse than firm bullshit.

    3. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE tell me that Teh Bride and Ian are going to capture this on film! I will agree to post the squirming toad dance video if you post your Who presentation.

    4. Re: footnote 3 (who footnotes a blog tag list, BTW?) - Don't be such a girl. Oh, wait... my bad.

    5. Anyone that can not spell Ian is a fucktard and who cares what they think. He gets to revel in his intellectual superiority more than someone named, say 'Olyvyah'. (cutesy spelling of 'Olivia'. Took me a while to figure that out taking roll one year.)

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  4. I'd be about the only one who thought the "humor" compensated for the post's ick quotient

    Please, GQH. Remember who you're dealing with here. Me. I'm as nasty as I wanna be.

    My first name was one of the the ruling queens of early-seventies baby girl names, so no troubles there. My last name, OTOH, has been a source of much frustration and amusement for my entire life. It's kind of comical listening to people try to figure out my weird combination of Dutch consonants and vowels.

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  5. "Epicanthic folds" sounds just a little bit dirty.

    Also, public speaking is the WORST. I'd truly rather display my greased, shaved epicanthic folds to the masses than to actually speak to them. So good luck with all that, mister.

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  6. You can't judge the quality of a post by the comments. Or lack thereof. Some of us have work, and IM training, and the shambling semblance of a real life to maintain.

    I don't get the problem with public speaking. What's the big deal? You figure out what you're going to say, or make it up on the fly which is my usual technique, then say it to other people.

    There are so many weird spellings of straightforward names now that I usually ask. Yes, Ian is straightforward. But I've seen it spelled Iain. Yes, two i's. Perverted, I know.

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  7. This is not public speaking. It's semi-private commenting on a most engrossing subject (to you) and a chance to wipe the floor with anyone who dares question The Who's greatness.

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