Monday, June 21, 2010

This Is My Body, Which Will Be Given Up For You

No it won't! Hahahahahaha!

Fuck you! Get your own 50-year-old geezer's body! They probably sell 'em cheap at Mall-Wart.

Okay, okay, we've established I won't give it up (so to speak) for you, but I'll share because I'm more comfortable being that kinda whoo-wer — the sharing kind.

So here you go:
Tell Me What Kankocracy Looks Like!

This is what kankocracy looks like!

I decided to get this week's Kankle Run outta the way as soon as possible. So even though I just did a K. Run like 4 daze ago, I opted to do this week's today.

Teh Bloody Wound on my right kankle hadn't even healed since last week, but I put the weights on anyway and ran 2.33 miles.

They look way worse in real life. As you can see, I rubbed the scab right off the right kankle. But the left kankle was the real problem today: I had to stop like six different times to try to re-adjust the weight because it was rubbing so bad. I never found a comfortable setting till like .4 miles from home, by which point it didn't matter because the damage had already been done and anything would hurt.

There were some theological ghouls awhile ago who decided to take some corpses and nail them to crosses by their hands and feet to see if they would stay on the crosses. The hands and feet did not have sufficient bone matter to hold the bodies' weight. So these "scientists" concluded that Jebus must have been nailed to the cross through his ankle and wrist bones.

Note that MY stigmata are on my ankles. Unlike those people with the fake foot ones.

I'm just saying. If you choose to, say, worship me because of my ankle wounds, who am I to say no1?
Here's my bloody right sock. I'm posting this because ... Do any of you know of a good product for getting out stigmata stains?

Part II: In Which The Body Parts Get Even Glavener and UGLIER (Which May Be Redundant)!1!


Hahahahaha! Sorry to spring that one on you without warning, but the look on your faces made it totally worth it! Show of hands, ladies — how many of you just turned immediately lesbian after seeing that2?


Now, there is nothing particularly remarkable about that face other than that it has apparently been savagely beaten with an ugly stick. It is, indeed, me, first thing in the morning, before coffee or shave. The full-face shot is bad enough, but let's go in a bit closer to see the real atrocity, shall we?

ZOMG!1! It's an in-grown mustache trying to make its way out on to the upper lip by way of Teh Nose!1!

I'm not sure if I have abnormally aggressive nose-hairs or an abnormally short nose, but the fact is, if I don't trim those bad boys weekly, they get like that; and after two weeks ... well, let's just say my nose-hairs were the original inspiration for Scott Smith's The Ruins. (Bastard still hasn't paid me any royalties!) They would take over the entire state of Joisey, given half a chance. They're more like kudzu than nose-hairs.

Note also that many of them are gray. And yes, ladies, the carpet matches those drapes! (Am I turning ... etc.?)

I'll spare you a second facial (so to speak) and just show you the post-trim nose:

Still a thicket, but a controlled one.

Hahahahaha! Good luck keeping your breakfasts down NOW!
1 Ladies: There are waaaaay better parts on my body for YOU all to worship.

Am I turning you ... etc.?

2 Really, I wanna know, because that's just hawt!1!


  1. Why stop at giving them HALF a chance? Why not do the FULL? You should grow those suckers out and curl them up and over for a nose-over when your head-hair!1! inevitebly falls out. And besides,

    "but she'd be a whole lot prettier
    if she smiled once in a while"

    to use the immortal words of Shawn Mullins.... (not The Who, but Better than Dillon... (Jacob)

  2. Gah! Blecch! Yack! Heave! (Gasp) Spewwwww!!!

  3. Blood AND nose hairs?! This is why I read your blog. Two for one.

  4. Ever considered vaseline or crisco around the ankles to prevent rubbing. I figured you, of all people, would be familiar with lube.

  5. Two words: DUCT TAPE!

    Hydrogen Peroxide for getting out blood from clothes.
    After putting on your socks, wrap your ankles with duct tape-place weights-run! Obviously, don't wrap it around too many times to restrict movement! Should be good to go!
    Duct tape, ya know is for "everything".

  6. Cotton socks and kankel weights? Christ, why not just wrap some barbwire and sandpaper around your ankles and call it a day? I know you have some hippie commune/nonconformist aversion to synthetic athletic fibers, but damn dude.

    For the record, I agree with Neil, a smile would do wonders. I now have to add to my list of shit G lies his ass off about. Not hideous at all. Very disappointing in the hideous category, actually.

    The nose hair/kudzu simile was a two snorter (pun not intended, but funny) and your post-rostral grooming picture was a success.

    After all your tranny comments, I could not help but notice what great pores you have. You sure you are a man?

  7. Head to kankle hawtness, G.

    @RBR: looks like the pores were airbrushed out to achieve such perfection

  8. Walmart doesn't sell 50 year old geezers. They have 70 year old geezers that they call "greeters" and all have to evade them when entering the store. Perhaps you could look forward to that career aspiration in advanced geezerhood but you'd have to trade in the white cotton socks for black socks and sandals.

  9. There's this great stuff called bleach. For your socks, not your nose.

    As for errant nose hairs, I solved the problem by growing a moustashe as soon as I was able, and it's never been shaved off. That's not to say I don't try to keep the nose hairs under control, but there's a whole lot more disguise for them.

    As for the scabs from the kankle weights, I say pfft!! You should have seen the blood and scabs from the timing "chip" they gave us at WASA. You can see a photo of it here, though clearly (it had better be clearly or Leana will have your nose hairs for a rug) that isn't my ankle.
    and scroll down a bit. I'd have done just the photos but that isn't the way she posted them.