Thursday, July 8, 2010

Kankle? No Thankle!

The other day, whilst watching TeeVee — most likely something Highbrow like SpongeS@ck SquareN*ts or Real Whoo-werWives of Whoo-wersylvania (who were most likely calling each other "whoo-wers"1) — I had my bare feet propped up on the coffee table because sometimes I'm churlishly meretricious like that, and Teh 'Bride noticed my still-unhealed kankle wounds2 and, because she loves me, especially my gams — which, by the way, ladies, truly ARE smokin' HAWT — she made me promise I wouldn't do any more kankle runs during the hot sweaty summer months.

And outwardly, I was all like, "Very well. I grudgingly accede to your unreasonable request, since you made me put 'I will grudgingly accede to all of your unreasonable requests' in my marriage vows, right after 'No combing the n*ts@ck hairs at the dinner table', which I made you put in your vows because how am I supposed to concentrate on eating my dinner with that going on down there?"

But inwardly? I was all Woo-Hoo! No more Kankle Runs for at least two more months!

And so like this morning could easily have been a Kankle Run Day, and probably would have been, but, thanks to Teh 'B., I just did a regular non-kankle-strapped run of 5.7 miles in 53:25 for a 9:24 pace which, in this heat (roughly infinity degrees) and humidity (Dew Point3 roughly Googleplex), I deem marginally acceptable because by denigrating it that way I will cause a certain someone to become apoplectic enough to berate me in the comments about how SHE would be SO HAPPY and would COUNT HER BLESSINGS if she were THAT fast and then she'll be all HARRUMPH!! and/or *eyeroll*  and/or Glaven, you're a total douche!4

But the point is, I would have done a kankle run this morning and was quite willing to and the reason I didn't has nothing to do with the fact that I'm a total pussy, which, by the way, is not a proven fact and where do you get off calling me a pussy on my own blog? You're a pussy!

Yeah. Hurts, don't it?

Let's call it even.

Physical Therapy Update: I am still going to physical therapy. End Physical Therapy Update.
1 "... who were ... 'whoo-wers'"! Best Pun 4EVAH!1! And if you don't thinks so, you're a WHOO-WER!1! But let's not lose sight of the real issue, here, which is that these women are whoo-wers!1!

2 I did try to minimize damage by wrapping my ankles in duct tape on my last kankle run, but kankle weights, like water, evidently seek their own level (whatever that means; probably nothing) because the weights just found somewhere else to rub on my ankles and now I have even more Kankle Stigmata. And that just goes to show you that there are certain things even duct tape can't do, but, Man O Man can it ever SPICE UP A MARRIAGE when used correctly or, depending on where you stand on the question of what constitutes proper duct tape usage, incorrectly!1! But don't be stupid, people. Always have a safe word.

Ours is "n*ts@ck".

And if your partner is immediately all "N*ts@ck! N*TS@CK!1!!1!!" like five minutes into things, just as it's getting interesting (and, incidentally, illegal in 17 southern states), well ... remember ... duct tape fits nicely over the mouth, too. Just saying. It's not a one-trick (or one-orifice) pony2a. And "MMMPHFF!1!" sounds nothing like "N*ts@ck!1!!" so if something happen that one partner technically didn't "consent" to, hey, how's that your fault, right? And if, afterward, she's not buying that explanation, you can always apologize while you're waiting for the next available doctor in the emergency ward and explaining, "Look, it fit in there, there has to be a way for it to come out safely. Then we'll just buy a new on, because I, for one, won't be using that again."

But fellas! Do NOT try this unless you have a safeHOUSE lined up beforehand.

2a Word to the wise: Make sure the pony is over the age of consent. Take it from someone who learned that the HARD way (that's what she said!1!).

3 Not to be confused with Dewey Decimal Point, which, around here, is always set at 305.3 for sexytimes!1!

4 O, B*tch! You're so cute when you're b*tchy! Almost like a real girl with real girl-parts!


  1. Sometimes, you just gotta do what the boss of the house says. It has to be hard to give up the Kankle runs, but sometimes you have to make sacrifices for the ones we love.


  2. @N.Dick -

    It has to be hard to give up the Kankle runs

    Technically, it doesn't have to be hard, but, with me? It's typically hard ALL THE TIME!1!

    And no, not because I'm happy to see your comment.

  3. (and, incidentally, illegal in 17 southern states)

    Are you kidding?!?! We recieved 7 rolls of Duct tape, a gift card to Home Depot AND an instruction DVD at our shotgun wedding in the grand state of Jaw-ja!

  4. Ah, Glaven... Leaving the rape jokes and the library humor in the footnotes.

  5. At least Philly has an excuse to be a giant sweatstain for a change.

    That tranny's been a little odd even for him/her lately, what with the self-deprecation beating us to the punch (and yeah, there's been some beating talk going on) and rolling her eyes only at you (or up into their sockets as she hugs a tree) and stalking my perusals of other blogs.

    305.3 may be sex roles, but sex rolls are somewhere in the 600's (and bake at 350).

  6. Lovely duct tape. I think they'd work much better as wrist restraints than the leather ones we use for rowdy patients.

  7. ...because sometimes I'm churlishly meretricious like that...

    Awww. You DO care. You big, ol' softie! :)

    (To clarify, by "big" I mean, "NOT big" and by "softie", I mean "softie")

    Duct tape? All of the advice that was offered as solution for your Jane Fonda Workout woes and you went with duct tape? Shocking that did not work.

    Wait for it...


    @Lauren: Isn't 'Library humor' an oxymoron?

    @SQ: Damn. 350. That is why I keep burning my "Top over Bottom Buns".

  8. Oops forgot

    @PeachyEscargot: Hoo! 2 snorter! Nice one.

  9. I used Duct tape for everything, but we call it "DUCK" tape in the South.

    You watch Real Housewives? "Money can't buy you cla-assssss" Those broads are nuts.