Friday, July 9, 2010

Pig Roast!1!

Okay, calm down, Running Carnivores1! Because, sadly, Teh Pig Roast never happened. Well, not for Ian and me, at least.

Perhaps I should explain. Have a seat. This could take awhile because, as with most Abortive Pig Roasts, this involves a long, drawn-out discussion of tendentious sectarianism and subsequent religious schism-formation.

Because last night, Teh 'Bride had to work the 1:30 to 9:00 p.m. shift because it's Summer Reading Program time at the library and, because of budget cuts and other general fucktardedness, she has no one to cover Thursday nights; so now she's working Tuesday and Thursday nights for the month of July.

Sucks for her.

But I bring this up because last night she was supposed to meet Ian and me during her dinner hour at the non-sectarian Pig Roast they were having at the farm just down the street from her library. Ian had made Teh 'Bride promise that we could go to this Pig Roast because, every summer, the Baptist church that is right on the main street of our town - teh name of which street is - WAIT FOR IT!1! - "Main Street" - has this like ridiculously big Pig Roast that is ostensibly free and open to all comers. And for the past couple of years, now that Ian's fucking teachers have taught him to fucking read, Ian's been reading the big ass "FREE PIG ROAST on July Whatever!1!" signs and has been asking, "Can we go to that?"

And Teh 'Bride sez, "No" because she reckons there's free and then there's "free" and she considers the Baptist Pig Roast to be the latter type of "free"; because Teh 'B. suspects that once you get there and the Baptists learn you are heathens - aka nominal Catholics - you will be aggressively proselytized and Teh 'Bride would rather pay full retail price for shoes than be proselytized, and believe me, Teh 'Bride don't EVAH pay full retail price for anything, especially not shoes.

Because, see, Teh 'Bride has nothing against Baptists per se; she just doesn't like being proselytized period. Because she was raised a Catholic, but none of it took - literally, none - and she stopped going to church and CCD as soon as she could get away with it, which happened when she was like 12 and was calling her parents by their first names and probably pulling switchblades on them, too, for all I know. Because my parents made me go to CCD till I was in like High School and I wouldn't have dreamed of missing Mass because, yeah, eternity in Hell was waiting at the other end of that journey, but more important and scarier still, so would be my Angry Irish Catholic Mither.

So I was a bit of a pussy on this issue and, therefore, ended up actually knowing a thing or two about the theology behind my nominal faith, whereas Teh B.? Yeah, not so much.

Because Teh 'Bride and I met when we were both working for this NJ Book Jobber; and our job was to code books based on pre-pub info. And at one point, Teh 'Bride, absurdly, was the "subject expert" on religion books. And one day she was looking at the pre-pub info on a particular book and she comes into my cubicle and is all, "Glavey, this abi [= "Advance Book Information"] sez this book is on John. Is that Old Testament or New?" Because there was a different subject code for each.

Me: John is a Gospel.

Teh 'B.: [Blank stare]

Me: Which - gospels - tell the story of the life of Jebus?

T'B.: [I, Glaven Quisp Heisenberg, did not know until this moment that a blank stare could get blanker, but Teh 'Bride's just did.]

Me: And sooooo ... that would make Teh Gospel of John a Book in the ... BLANK Testament ...?

T'B.: [Even blanker stare with a bit of pissed-offedness mixed in] Can't you just fucking2 tell me which Testament it is?

Yeah, Teh 'Bride never put much credence in that whole Give a man a fish versus teach him how to fish aphorism. Her aphorism of choice? Just fucking TELL me already!

So anyroad, I tell you this to prove that Teh 'Bride has nothing against Baptists because their beliefs are different from ours, because she has no idea how their beliefs differ from ours or, for that matter, what "ours" are. Because her beliefs basically revolve around saying "No!" as quickly as possible as soon as someone asks her, "Can I tell you about Teh Good News of Our Lord Jebus? He is risen!"

"So he's aware of alarm clock technology. Big deal. So am I. No one's calling me God's love-child because of it."

So anyroad, the point is, we went to a non-denominational, non-sectarian Pig Roast last night, held at teh farmers market, because we were willing to risk being proselytized about agrarian reform, although that never happened.

Because the Pig Roast started at 3 p.m. and by the time Ian and I got there at 5, the pig was gone already (the thing was supposed to go till 7 p.m.!) and so I called Teh 'B. at work in case she hadn't left yet to tell her and she hadn't left and she was super busy in the YS Dept. so it was just as well because she probably couldn't have gotten out in time to meet us anyway.

So Ian and I went to dinner at Applebee's instead.

Have you heard the Good News about Applebee's? It's Happy Hour between 4 and 6 p.m., and pints of Sam Adams are only 3 bucks!

Hallelujah!1! He3 is risen!
5.1-mile run this morning at a 9:18 pace.

1 Or should I say "Carniwhoo-wers"? No, better not. That might be considered offensive  ... to whoo-wers!1! Hahahahahaha! *eyeroll*

2 Teh 'Bride did not say "fucking" - she never does - but I think she should have and it makes it a better story to pretend she did.

3 "He", here, refers to my blood alcohol level.


  1. There are so many wonderful points to comment on in the blog post today...but I just can't seem to get past the fact that you have decided, sorry, your parents decided your middle name would be "Quisp"....I have reread the post several times but keep circling back to Quisp...not Quunchy or Quake, but Quisp. Harumph!

  2. OMG, Peachy Escargot! You're SOOOO Funny!1!

    How does everyone like my impression of RBR leaving a comment? You really thought it was her, I bet!

    *eyeroll* Whatevs.

  3. Now, these Baptists, are they the hard shelled variety, or the softer, more easy going variety? It makes a difference in how you respond to being proselytized by them.

    And Ian, learning to read at school? You shock and amaze me! Or is he learning from you and shocking and amazing his teachers. Because we all know that public school isn't a place to learn to read.

  4. You should be safe at a northern Baptist pig if you were down south, you would be in big trouble at the Southern Baptist churches. Them folks don't take no for an answer.

    Proselytized before you can even see the pig. And forget about a keg, them baptists only drink at home, with the curtains closed.

  5. This might be the saddest story ever. Hoping and planning for my favorite meal ever and then ending up at my least favorite meal ever. Applebees?! Seriously?! You know no one who has ever worked at an Applebee's will ever eat there. That's not a good sign. Nothing is worth $3 Sam Adams.

    Needlerunning stole my other comment. Your little Yankee Baptists have nothing on us down here. I'm a recovering Southern Baptist myself, and we made fun of both Yankee Baptists and Catholics for not knowing anything about the bible.

  6. Rats. I thought "Pig Roast" would stem from your ubiquitous comment "I am such a pig!" I was expecting some Friars' Roast digs at all things Glaven.

    Guess I'll just have to wait for RBR to comment.

  7. Occasionally I skip the entire post, and only read the footnotes.
    Today, doing that was ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS, especially the 3rd one.
    Have a great weekend!

  8. [RBR currently has G and Keith on IGNORE]

    I will say, to SQ, the Peachy Escargot, Needle, Lauren, and the other person that reads this blog, that is my favorite Teh Bride anecdote.

    It is really no wonder that those two crazy kids ended up together. The ol' condescending quiz question technique ALWAYS woos the ladies.

    Maybe she got more of that selfless, abdicating Catholic training than ol' G thinks.

    For what it is worth, I love Teh Applebee's (just don't read the nutrition information pamphlet on the table. Trust me, you want to remain blissfully ignorant on that bit of info) and versus gnawing pork off a dead carcass in a Baptist recruitment fair I think it was the better choice for Ian anyway.

  9. I was going to comment that maybe we're blessed by not having an Applebees, but then I googled it, and someone has snuck one into Calgary. Based on the comments so far, I will not be trying it.

    IGNORED by RBR! I'm so honoured!

  10. My town's roads were named after Sinclair Lewis wrote "Main Street" (on Summit Ave, about 5 miles away as the crow flies), so there's no Main Street. The main roads are Fucktard, Himmler, Scabies and Cameltoe. Property values are what you'd expect with Scabies.

  11. Re: your comment attacking my "manhood": Gosh, I was going to post the video that LA Run buddy took of me helping out by icing Jo Lynn's bee sting, but I guess my inadequately sized "boner" deleted it.

    So sad.

  12. Praise the Lawd!!!!!!! Preach it brother, preach it.

    I went to Catholic school, but I'm a Methodist who became an Episcopalian. Bottom line: Baptists scare me.

  13. I see you deleted the untitled job rant post. Probably just as well.

  14. You missed out on a pig roast. Sucky for you.

    We have a pig roast for the joyBrats' birthdays every year. This might be the first year we'll be skipping that tradition though. Everyone's on a diet, apparently.