This past weekend, Ian, Teh 'Bride and I went to visit our DC-area friends, Sue and her two kids, Caelin and Eamon.
When we begin our ride home from these visits, I always start the trip back wondering why we don't make these visits more often. But then we get on 95 North and I remember why: both Maryland and Delaware feel it is their State's Right to take you hostage by setting up random toll booths to collect up to $6:001 just so you may have the privilege of escaping from their crappy, fucktarded luuuuzer states. This, of course, backs the traffic up for, literally, miles and when you've been up all night alternately drinking, playing Beatles Rock Band and watching Brad Lidge blow another save by giving up a three-run homer in the 9th to some Woshington Notionals luuzer, the last thing you wanna be is stuck in traffic. Especially when you're currently listening to an AM radio station that's on the verge of fuzzing out on you and it's the bottom of the 11th and the Phils are up by two and the manager, Charlie Manuel, has just brought in the Phils' closer to pitch, said closer being — you guessed it — Brad Lidge.
But be that as it may, we finally did make it home in 4-and-a-half fucking hours and the ordeal is over and it didn't kill me but I'll be fucked if I feel any stronger because of it.
Anyroad, I kinda kept a bit of a video log of our visit. It's comprised of three videos, two of which feature Teh 'Bride! That's for all of you 'Bridalmaniacs out there. She doesn't know I've posted them, and since she doesn't read this blog anymore unless she's not busy at the library — which virtually never happens anymore — I think I can keep them up for up to two weeks. Because see, take my last post: I posted it on the 16th? And Teh 'Bride didn't get around to reading and commenting on it till the 29th! So I have plenty of time to embarrass her without her ever being any the wiser. The rest of you just have to shut your fucking traps about it, is all.
This first video, which does not include Teh 'Bride, features our smoky-smelling and impressively priapic rental car (because we always rent a car for our longer trips):
For Ian, as you can see, "Be Prepared" means "Be prepared to make farty noises". And since he can't always be sure his butt will be fully armed and ready to fire, he brings his Whoopee Cushion with him2.
This second video — which ends with Eamon screaming at me and drowning out my killer a cappella version of "I Me Mine" — is one I took Sunday morning while we were walking the trails in Silver Spring, MD. Sue pointed out the damage that had been done by the Impressively Raging Storms they had had, but she hardly needed to: The snapped-like-a-twig trees were just everywhere, and the sight was truly impressive and a bit awe-inspiring, like the first time an unsuspecting skirt gets a glimpse of the Massive Bulge in my pants.
Teh 'Bride is in this one for a short time making faces at me because evidently she just got a glimpse of the Massive Bulge in my pants:
And finally we have this here, which is a video of Teh 'Bride at the one mile mark of our walk. Teh 'Bride is not one for over-exercising, so I thought she might like to see what she looked like after walking A WHOLE MILE IN A HALF HOUR!1!
It ends with her telling me not to show it to anyone and me saying it's going straight up on Youtube. Of course as soon as I stopped recording, I assured her I wouldn't post it on Youtube.
Reader? I lied:
So there you have it: The highlights of our trip to the DC-area in videolog form, courtesy of my iPod nano.
I hope you enjoyed it but if you didn't, please head directly to DE because I think South Joisey is about to take another Massive Dump.
1 N.B.: It costs a mere two dollars to go through the Ft. McHenry tunnel in Baltimore. But fucking six to get out of Lower Bumfuck, DE. But as you can see from this map, New Joisey's @$$-end is pointed right at Delaware and we regularly take dumps on DE, which is why that state smells like shit — since it is entirely composed of a mixture of NJ shit and Dupont chemicals (Dupont's major chemical product being, of course, a form of Artificial shit); and even when we're not shitting on DE, we're mooning them, saying, "Hey, Delaware! I gotcher toll booths, right over hee-ah! Kiss both my @$$-cheeks if you got an EZ Pass, ya pussbag!"
Because NJ stores all of its shit in South Joisey until it's time to take a dump. And that's a lot of fertilizer, man. If you've never been to South Jersey, this pretty much tells you all you need to know about it and so you don't need to visit it now and you're welcome.
2 I myself have never needed a Whoopee Cushion because I'm always locked-and-loaded.