Thursday, August 12, 2010

Flying Pig Race Report; and Teh Continuing Assaults on My Butthole: This Time, It's Impersonal

The Flying Pig Report

Now, you'll recall that last night before the race, I stopped by one of the Branch libraries — the one that is about a half mile from the Flying Pig course — and posted a pre-race report using one of the public PCs. So after that, I'm leaving the public PC room1 to wash my hands after using the public keyboard and mouse, and who should I see manning — or I could say "skirting"? — the desk but the Branch Manager, whom I will call ... O, let's say "D'andrea". (Yes, that will do; no one will ever break that code.)

Now I like D'andrea a lot and she happens to be one of the people in the system to whom I have been bellyaching about how shittily things have been going for me of late, job-wise and all2. So I sneak up behind her and call out to her by her last name like I always do just to be a dick. And I was debating at the time whether to go get some dinner before the race, but I ended up talking to D'andrea for about a half hour instead, just bullshitting and killing time till I had to leave for the park.

Now it had been fucking hot outside when I got to the Branch, and there were few clouds; it was also humid, but not googleplex humid, as it had been for last year's Flying Pig. But when I left to go to the park, it was just starting to cool a little & it was clouding up a bit. Good signs, both.

And so anyroad, I get there and I'm driving to the parking area & I see Gabrielle — the YS librarian at D'andrea's Branch — already out on the grass trying, I later leared, to figure out where the start for this thing was. It's sorta a weird course because you run through the trails in the woods, but they start you out in the opposite direction, toward the park exit, before they bring you back 180 degrees and into the woods and on to the trails. And I had only a vague recollection of that from last year, but Gabrielle had never run this race before, so she had no idea and she asked me and I was like, "Guh? I think they start you out over there [pointing vaguely]? And run you that way [again, gesticulating vaguely]? And they bring you back into the woods, over there?" 

So I was no real help to her because I was acting unsure — which was not an act — but turns out I was pretty much right about everything.

And so she and I and this other dude named Tom — who is the husband of one of the circ people at D'andrea's Branch — talked for maybe 20 minutes before the race. And Tom seemed like an okay dude, despite his name and my long-held belief that all people named "Tom", "Tommy" or "Thomas" are TOTAL DICKS!1! Which I still believe wholeheartedly, despite any so-called "evidence" to the contrary.

Gabrielle's Finish

And so but it was hot and humid, but not too. And the race started and we were off.

I'm grateful it was cooler because last year, if you recall from my race report that appeared on my old blog which some n*ts@ck-fondling fucktard deleted, I felt, at around the 4k mark, that I was just going to stop and walk for awhile, felt like I had to, because I had just been chicked, old-guyed, and boychik'd right in a row. But I somehow managed not to stop.

Well, this year I never felt the need to stop — I mean, no more than usual during a race; because I always wanna stop because running sux, is why —  which was nice and seemed encouraging. And I hadn't checked before the race to see what my time had been last year — I had a vague recollection of its being either 26:16 or 26:26.

And I thought I had a good chance of beating that, especially if my time were the latter.

But as it turns out, I crossed the finish line exactly halfway between those two times, at 26:21.

And, of course, when I got home, I checked: Last year? 


I was 5 seconds slower.

61st out of 124. No idea where I placed w/r/t the 50+ geezers because I didn't hang around for the awards.

Why Does Everybody Want a Piece of My @$$?
So I had my physical this morning and what with me being 50 and all the first thing Teh 'Bride sez to me as I'm about to leave is, "Don't be surprised if Dr. D. suggests a colonoscopy."

Love you too, dear.

I kinda knew that, but hadn't really let myself think about it. 

And it turns out Dr. D. did suggest one, but she herself didn't like just whip out a collapsible scope like a ship's captain with his telescope and shove it up there for a look while my pants were already down. But she did do the other thing, which I totally expected and even wanted, but not in a weird way, so shut up. And while she's ... um ... let's say "rummaging" she says: "I think I feel something." 

And I'm like, I'm the one with a finger stuck up my bum and you feel something? But she says it might just be a node, that there's no swelling of the prostate but she says I should have it checked out by a (hopefully tiny-digited) urologist.

So in my near future: A colonoscopy and another probable digital violation at least, if not worse. Pretty soon, I'm gonna have more things up my butt than RBR does on a typical second date (if you believe what you read on the men's room walls, which I do).

I don't know why anyone would want to do things with my butt because if, after looking at the pix in my previous post, you think my face is ugly, you should should see my flat, 50-year-old Irish Geezer's @$$3.

I don't know why it is in such high demand these daze.

Personally? I blame Obama.

Now? It's off to my last P/T session.
1 This Branch, for reasons I've never been able to fathom, has the public Internet PCs tucked away in a room with a door and there is no way for any staff to see from the reference desk what's going on in there with the library weirdos who use the PCs. And I'm always surprised that the floors in there are not way stickier than they are, which means either no one is wanking in there or this Branch has the politest wankers of the whole library system. I'm not sure which explanation is creepier or more unnatural.

2 If you think it sux to be a library webmaster — and by now, if you're a regular reader, you should — you should hear what Branch Mangers have to put up with. Poor D'andrea! I told her she could piss and moan to me about her job on Fridays, but the rest of the week is mine.

3 Extra credit to the first commenter who says, "I thought those pix in the previous post were of your @$$!" To which I respond: "Har! hypothetical commenter! You so funnn-neeee!1!"


  1. Nice race there G. The race has a pretty cool name.

    Speaking of googleplex humidity, that is the reason I am skipping the Mid-Night run this year. After sweating like a ho in church last year, I refuse to do it again. Plus it is even hotter this year than last. Of course, knowing my luck, the forecasted rain for tonight will make the run bearable and I skipped it.


  2. I thought those pix in the previous post were of your @$$!

    So where's my freakin' extra credit, mister? I LURVE me some extra credit. It really appeals to the nerd in me. And stating, "Har! hypothetical commenter! You so funnn-neeee!1!" does NOT qualify as extra credit. I would, however, accept quality photos of your anal assault. Now THAT would be some sweet extra credit.

    PS - Today is the moosiversary of me and Teh Mister. If he is very, very, VERY nice to me I plan to anally assault him. I can hardly even wait.

  3. @LuMu: as Spinal Tap's album says, "Smell the Glove!" Happy analversary!

  4. Yes! Blame it on Obama! Very funny. Congrats on the race GQH. Now, if you wanna prepare for your colonoscopy, grab a jug of "Go Lite" and have yourself a nice weekend. (I can make jokes about colonoscopies all I want because I don't have to have one for 6 more years.)

  5. 26:21? Fucker.

    And that was sans kankle training?

    Fast fucker. (and despite what anyone that was trying to spare you feelings says, that is NOT a compliment)

    You are lucky I adore Teh Bride, Teh Dad, and Ian stories so much or you would enter the realm of "too fast for RBR to give a shit about reading" blogs (SQ is my other exception, but that is because I am a creepy ultrarunner stalker, and he bakes)

    Serious aside: A little freaked out now about your Dr. visit. Keep me posted and take care of you.

    On behalf of Teh Bride and Ian and the Heisenberg clan, I am sure glad you care enough about them to undergo all the routine testing and exams. That is the best gift you could ever give them. The macho man, I don't need no stinkin' doctors thing, is bullshit and selfish and I apapluad those, like you, that love their families enough to take care of themselves.

  6. @LuMu: Happy Moosiversary!

    Since you have no blog and I can not tell you there. Still a bit bitter that I missed the LuMu era, but I digress...)

  7. Hope your last PT session went well. Extra hugs to Tony & Andy? Just watch your back given all the extra attention you've been getting there lately.

    I had a colonscopy a couple of years ago. The prep was the worst part. The sleep that came with the procedure? Heavenly. And my ass wasn't even sore at the end of it all.

    Did they draw your PSA?