Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Good Lidge, Bad Lidge, Dud Lidge, Brad Lidge

When he comes in, you never know
Just how he'll pitch, just how he'll throw.
Two years ago, no team could beat
The Phillies' closer, so elite — 

But now it's "Hang on to your meat1!" 
(Or, for you skirts, perhaps a teat2)
'Cause is it Good Lidge? Is it bad?
Will we be happy? Very sad?

Throughout this land let it be known!
I hate it when a save is blown!
Now normally I favor blowing —
The kind where seeds will soon3 be sowing.

But in the ninth? A one-run game?
It really isn't quite the same!
Here he comes4. Which will it be?
Good Lidge? Bad Lidge. Pffttt! Beats me!

Just hope he beats the other guys — 
"Not in that sense!" chaste Glaven sighs.
And hoists his beer and takes four swigs:
"You people are such fucking pigs!" 
We have satellite TV and we get about 969 channels but because we live in northish central Joisey, we get NY channels, not Philadelphia; which means we rarely get to see the Phillies play. Occasionally, we pick up a random game, here and there, and when they play the Mets, we tend to get those games because — have you heard? The Mets are a New York team that's covered by some NY channel or other.

Mostly, though, Ian and I sit around down here at the Mac and "watch" the play-by-play being acted out by little avatars on the computer screen, which, yes, is as lame as it sounds. Possibly more so. We'll then watch the highlights next day on Phillies.com or on the MLB show Quickpitch.

On Sunday, we got the game and, even though our DVR was recording it, I didn't wait a half hour or so to start watching (I usually build up a buffer so I can zip by the commercials) because Doc was pitching and Ian and I were impatient. So we watched live.

But the first inning was a weird one, and the Mets scored a couple of odd runs and it looked as though Doc was not going to have a good outing. And I was hoping the Phils would get some runs back in the bottom of the first, but they didn't.

And Ian was doing what he usually does during the game: Going in and out of the room; going outside to toss the ball to himself; coming back in, passing in front of the TV each time, causing me to say to him more than once, "Ian, I know you're a pain but I can't see through you", a pun he obviously doesn't get because if he did he'd say, "SHUT IT, Daddy!",  etc.

And so while he was outside, I decided to pause the game and watch an episode of The Colbert Report so I could build up a buffer to zip by the commercials.

Of course, Ian comes back in and wants to watch the game. I say, "Wait 20 minutes and we'll watch commercial-free." He argues with my strategy, which is basically pro forma for him, and then disappears.

What I didn't know was he was coming down here and "watching" on the Mac.

So in the top of the second (for me), Ian reappears smirking and is hinting that the Phils are gonna do well, because at this point, he already knows that Werth has homered in the bottom of the inning. And I'm like, "Are you watching the game downstairs?"


"Don't tell me what happened!!!1!"

So I watch Werth's homer and I say, "Did you know about that?"

And he giggles, "Yeah!"

And he disappears again.

And when he comes back up, Rollins is on and Polanco is on and Gload singles to tie the game, and I'm my usual restrained self, going: "Woo-Hoo! YES!1!" and Ian lets slip, "It gets better."

And Teh 'Bride, who was downstairs with Ian this last time, puts her librarianish index finger to her librarian lips and says in her librarianly way: "SHHHH!" And Ian obligingly shuts it.

And then Ibañez hits his 3-run homer to dead center. And when I first see the ball going out to center I think, Well, I know it's something good ... too far to be a single ... probably a double ...

Then it goes over the center field fence and I'm all, "YESSSS!1! MY GUY!1!  Ibañez!!1! Woo-Hoo!"

And then I'm like, to Ian, "You knew this?"

And Teh 'Bride is like, "He was biting my arm to keep from yelling out down there so you wouldn't hear and could be surprised!"

And then Schneider knocked in a sixth run, which, turns out they would need.

And then it's 6-5 Phils going into the 9th and Lidge comes in to close and his first two pitches are waaaay wide of the plate and I'm yelling over the a/c to Teh 'Bride (who doesn't care) in the other room, "O, NO! it's Bad Lidge."

But after giving up a single and letting that guy advance to third in the course of the inning, Lidge came through and the Phils won.

And Ian showed the kind of restraint I didn't think he was capable of. For his Dad.
On Wednesday evening, I have a trail race, a 5k. It's the Flying Pig 5k and I ran it last year in googleplex humidity because Teh 'Bride, who loves piggies, wanted the piggie t-shirt.

For some reason, I signed up for it again this year. Maybe so I could have the piggie tee this time, I dunno. And it looks as though it's gonna be googleplex humidity again. Just my fucking luck.

And under normal circumstances, I would at least be able to look forward to a celebratory beer or seven after the race, but I can't this time, because the next morning is my yearly physical, which will include blood work, which I of course don't want to risk fucking up with alcohol: "Mr. Heisenberg, your blood is 30 proof! Better than last year! What say we tap that kidney?"

Also, being 50 and having a family history of prostate cancer (Teh 'Dad, who had it like 20 years ago and is the Poster boy for recovery, but will soon be replaced as poster boy by RBR's hubby), I also get the magic finger up the nether-eye, which is always fun. But I got a female doctor this time, which presumably means slender fingers. Unless her nickname in her high school yearbook was "Sausage Fingers" or "Ham Hands" or something.
This morning, for the first time in I don't know how long, I had a run whose time I am not embarrassed to post. I don't know if it's the heat, or the fact that I stopped doing kankle runs or what, but my runs have been just egregiously slow of late.

So today's was nice, especially considering it was like googleplex humid out there:

6.18 miles in 55:07 for an 8:54 pace which is 6.7 mph, according to Mapmyrun. 

That, for me, foax, is a pretty good run and maybe bodes well for Wednesday's race.
1 No problem. I was, anyway.

2 Or I'll hang on to one for you. No charge.

3 Roughly thirty seconds. Unless I think about baseball.

4 ... so to speak.


  1. Good luck on the trail run. If you want googleplex humidity, head south. We can teach you a think or two about humidity.

    BTW, doesn't everyone get the finger up the nether eye during physicals (Moon River) ??? pleasesayyes pleasesayyes otherwise, I'm going to have to find a new doc.

    PS. While you're shaving the kisshole, shave those MONKEY TOES.

  2. If I had ever said "Shut it Dad" to my father, I wouldn't be here talking to you now. Kids these days.

    It's only old guys that get the slippery finger of life. I don't mind. There are greater indignities to bear. Talk to anyone with Krohns, for example.

    My eyes were glazing over in Phillies overdose mode when I was saved by seeing the word Ian, which redeemed the whole thing.

  3. My nickname in school was sausage fingers too. Maybe I missed my calling.

    I'm choosing to ignore the poem so I don't have to think about all the effort that went into that.

  4. I occasionally listen to Mike & Mike on ESPN Radio and they did a parody song a few years ago (when Lidge was an Astro??) called Brad Lidge over Troubled Waters. I remember it being quite funny but can't be bothered to look it up on the intertubes to confirm that memory.

  5. the boy was beyond proud of heself that he kept it a surprise for u :)

    as for the dr - u picked a good one - she's an anorexic runner w/0 body fat and v short finger nails - enjoy

    love, teh bride

  6. stupid internets! al gore needs to go back to the drawing board -
    when i try to post a comment in firefox, it sez it's done, but nuthins there.
    when i do same thing in explorer, it works.
    cussin cusser!
    argh - teh bride

  7. I feel the same way everytime they hand K-Rod the ball....have fun at the trail run!