Because about a week-and-a-half ago, I just decided to start growing a beard. Because it's MY fucking face and I can.
This is a big decision because Teh 'Bride hates facial hair — in truth, she hates all hair — and she for some reason labors under the delusion that she should have some say in what I do with my face. Now, I long ago willingly — eagerly, even — handed over to her a certain amount of control over my n*ts@ck because, let's face it, that could lead to something mutually pleasurable and beneficial1.
But my face? Pfffttt! The day my nose can get a woody she can have shared control of my face.
Anyroad, this has brought a certain amount of tension to our relationship because, while Teh 'B. is way better at controlling her tongue2 than I, her face gives her true feelings away every time. And so when I ask her if my new beard makes me look like Jayson Werth, she gets a look of horror on her face and says Jayson would be handsome if he shaved and then says something about missing my dimples and I counter: "Why you always gotta bring my @$$ into this?" Then I say, "It's TITTY TUESDAY!1! Woo-Hoo!" and she hits me with a rolling pin3.
So Teh 'Bride's feelings are well-known re: my facial hair. But Ian is more of a wild card.
Because at first he said he liked it; then, influenced by Teh 'B. (who I suspect was paying him off in some way), he kept telling me to shave. But when I told him I was Jayson Werthing it, he went back to liking the beard, so it was two-to-one in favor of the beard and IN YOUR FACE, 'BRIDE!!1!
But then when I would go to kiss Ian goodbye in the mornings when I headed off to work, he'd complain that my beard was scratchy and he started to turn against the beard. And no amount of tying the beard to his beloved Phillies would make him change his mind about it.
This is Ian (right) and me (left) showing off the backs of our Phillies shirts, in preperation for when we see the Phils play the Giants on August 18. Ian got me the green Victorino Phillies shirt when he and Teh 'Bride went to a flea market ... (story continued in next caption) ...
... and Ian saw this green Victorino shirt and prevailed upon Teh 'Bride to buy it for me because, he told her, "Daddy calls ME Victorino!" which is true because whenever he makes me hit pop-ups to him, he tells me to make it so he has to run and dive to make the catch and he's just a little bundle of energy most of the time and hence I started calling him "Victorino", the Phillie he most reminds me of. And I love this shirt because Victorino, being Hawaiian, is called the Flyin' Hawaiian but this fucking shirt is green and has a shamrock on it and just makes no sense, assuming you haven't ingested a magic mushroom in awhile, but if you have, well then it makes perfect sense.
And here's the controversial beard, which, yes, is coming in gray, I know, there's nothing wrong with my EYES, and Teh 'Bride likes to mention that fact because she thinks it'll make me want to shave but guess what? I already know I'm old and I don't have a problem with that.
And so but then today Ian says he likes the beard but suggests that I trim it around my mouth so that when I kiss him it won't scratch him.
And so all I gotta do to get him back on my side is make a kisshole in my beard.
And that's why I need a kisshole. Maybe Teh 'Bride will even like it after I make a kisshole in it.
July numbers: 102.92 miles running
28 miles walking__________
1 Plus, it was in our wedding vows.Where, in compensation, she made certain breast concessions. Titty Tuesday, Nuff said.
2 Not in that sense, you pigs.
3 Which is the traditional way of opening Titty Tuesday, like the Wall Street bell.