Saturday, August 7, 2010

I Need A Kisshole

Things being the way they still are at work — viz., fucked up and beyond my ability to influence much less my ability to control  — I did what many people do in such situations: i.e., grasp tightly, even maniacally, onto something totally unrelated that I could control fully. And what I grabbed was — no not my n*ts@ck, but something even more wrinkly and, at present, almost as hairy — viz., my face.

Because about a week-and-a-half ago, I just decided to start growing a beard. Because it's MY fucking face and I can.

This is a big decision because Teh 'Bride hates facial hair — in truth, she hates all hair — and she for some reason labors under the delusion that she should have some say in what I do with my face. Now, I long ago willingly — eagerly, even — handed over to her a certain amount of control over my n*ts@ck because, let's face it, that could lead to something mutually pleasurable and beneficial1.

But my face? Pfffttt! The day my nose can get a woody she can have shared control of my face.

Anyroad, this has brought a certain amount of tension to our relationship because, while Teh 'B. is way better at controlling her tongue2 than I, her face gives her true feelings away every time. And so when I ask her if my new beard makes me look like Jayson Werth, she gets a look of horror on her face and says Jayson would be handsome if he shaved and then says something about missing my dimples and I counter: "Why you always gotta bring my @$$ into this?" Then I say, "It's TITTY TUESDAY!1! Woo-Hoo!" and she hits me with a rolling pin3.

So Teh 'Bride's feelings are well-known re: my facial hair. But Ian is more of a wild card.

Because at first he said he liked it; then, influenced by Teh 'B. (who I suspect was paying him off in some way), he kept telling me to shave. But when I told him I was Jayson Werthing it, he went back to liking the beard, so it was two-to-one in favor of the beard and IN YOUR FACE, 'BRIDE!!1!

But then when I would go to kiss Ian goodbye in the mornings when I headed off to work, he'd complain that my beard was scratchy and he started to turn against the beard. And no amount of tying the beard to his beloved Phillies would make him change his mind about it.

This is Ian (right) and me (left) showing off the backs of our Phillies shirts, in preperation for when we see the Phils play the Giants on August 18. Ian got me the green Victorino Phillies shirt when he and Teh 'Bride went to a flea market ... (story continued in next caption) ...

... and Ian saw this green Victorino shirt and prevailed upon Teh 'Bride to buy it for me because, he told her, "Daddy calls ME Victorino!" which is true because whenever he makes me hit pop-ups to him, he tells me to make it so he has to run and dive to make the catch and he's just a little bundle of energy most of the time and hence I started calling him "Victorino", the Phillie he most reminds me of. And I love this shirt because Victorino, being Hawaiian, is called the Flyin' Hawaiian but this fucking shirt is green and has a shamrock on it and just makes no sense, assuming you haven't ingested a magic mushroom in awhile, but if you have, well then it makes perfect sense.
And here's the controversial beard, which, yes, is coming in gray, I know, there's nothing wrong with my EYES, and Teh 'Bride likes to mention that fact because she thinks it'll make me want to shave but guess what? I already know I'm old and I don't have a problem with that.

And so but then today Ian says he likes the beard but suggests that I trim it around my mouth so that when I kiss him it won't scratch him.

And so all I gotta do to get him back on my side is make a kisshole in my beard.

And that's why I need a kisshole. Maybe Teh 'Bride will even like it after I make a kisshole in it.
July numbers: 102.92 miles running
28 miles walking
1 Plus, it was in our wedding vows.Where, in compensation, she made certain breast concessions. Titty Tuesday, Nuff said.

2 Not in that sense, you pigs.

3 Which is the traditional way of opening Titty Tuesday, like the Wall Street bell.


  1. See, much better looking when you smile.

  2. Where the eff have you been anyway...?

  3. FIRST! second AND third! Eat that Rbr.

  4. Beards are all well and good, and I'm pleased to see that you're working on a real beard. A manly beard. The following abominations of facial hair are NOT beards:
    chin hair but no moustashe
    the stupid little patch under the centre of the lip
    the stupid little patch under the chin.
    the skinny bit of hair running along the jaw line and all too often it emphasizes the wearer has NO jaw line at all, so all it does is give a reference to count multiple chins
    mutton chops
    handlebard lip wrapper thingies.
    biker beard

    Essentially, a bit of trimming on the cheeks and neck to even things up is fine, and even encouraged. The things we do to placate the women in our lives.

    Nor can it get too long and scraggly, (the afore mentioned biker beard.) All this does is make you look like a homeless person or someone who is just too lazy to bother with the basic elements of hygiene. Or a pirate, which might be a good look if you've got the clothes and attitude.

    Your family can be assured, and I speak from personal experience here, that your beard is currently at it's worst. As it fills out a bit, and the end bits soften up, why, pretty soon they'll be cuddling up and stroking it, and saying how mature it makes you look. Especially with the gray.

    So, let grow grow grow!

  5. Fourth, but longest. In yo face, Neil AND RBR.

  6. *blink, blink*

    [RBR stunned into silence]

    I truly do not even know where to start. LuMu must be rolling in her fucking blog grave right about now. In fact, I truly believe this post is a really just a ruse to get LuMu to post.

    Because frankly, ....


    You are delusional if you do not think teh Bride has control over your facial hair. And if she does not, shame on you, is all I am saying..

    @Neil and Keith, suck it!

    and by 'suck it' I do not mean G's kisshole, 'cuz, again, the whole topic and, frankly, most of the post created some sort of hard drive seizing meltdown in my higher thinking centers.

    @Keith says: "As it fills out a bit, and the end bits soften up, why, pretty soon they'll be cuddling up and stroking it, and saying how mature it makes you look. Especially with the gray."

    Wake up, Sparky. You are dreaming again. I will NEVER believe any human female EVER said that.

    I will thank you for the Victorino/Halladay (whoever the fuck that is. Since I could give 2 shits about baseball) Father/Son t-shirt pictures because that is just ADORABLE, as is the story behind it.

    But the n*ts@ck tickler? Not so much. I am 100% on Teh Bride's side on this one, bucko.

    Kisshole? Really? There is seriously something wrong with you.

    Oh, and welcome back.

  7. @Keith: Hate to point this out, but mine it longer AND thicker *smug grin*

  8. WTF is that shit on your face? Is that a SMILE on that mug of yours?!

    And way to just slide in a casual mention of your >100 mile month.

  9. PS - it took my 7yo to point out the fact that the green is the color of the Phanatic, because I was similarly befuddled by the plethora of green merchandise at the stadium.

  10. Before I read the post, I thought you were using kisshole as a euphemism for a glory-hole.

    Oh wait...

    I'm surprised Ian is taking this so well. My parents split up when I was 8 and we didn't see our dad for a few years. But when we did he had grown a full beard. He'd always had a big Greek mustache, but the beard freaked my sister and me out so we ordered him to shave the beard off. And he did.

    See, your facial hair situation is entirely up to the females in your immediate family. teh 'B has the power, my friend. Stop denying it.

  11. Somebody has miscounted. I'm still longer and thicker. 241 to 235. But I'm still glad the inherent truthfulness of my comment has amused you.

    Actually, Teh Bride DOES have no direct control over facial hair. What she does have is ways of influencing GQH's production or repression of that facial hair. Subtle difference. Even if the tools she uses are not subtle.

    And what about LuMu anyway? Some might say that she's so shocked and horrified, and busy rotating, that she can't comment. I have confidence, though. Wait for it.

  12. A note for those who've never grown a beard before: it's work not to make it look like you weren't just too lazy to shave. First, figure out what lines you need along the edges and trim so that the lines are neat - and then you have to friggin SHAVE to keep them. Comb down, then trim whatever goes over your lip or that sticks straight out. Comb forward, then cut off whatever looks wrong. Comb up, then cut off whatever stands out. Throw up your arms and shout "I hate you, beard!" Then comb back and trim one last time.

    Repeat twice a day. Three, sometimes. Then bask in the glorious knowledge that no woman will ever want to touch you again.

  13. You've been letting poor cute little Ian watch the 70s porn too? How else would he know what a kisshole is?

  14. u r a big freakin hairy baby, so i am NOT going to talk about yer beard, but i will make a few corrections/comments -
    - the boy has his own opinions - i did NOT put him up to anything
    - keith (see above) is right - untrimmed = homeless-like
    - RBR (see above) is v smart
    - makes no sense AT ALL - aggravated at work, so make everyone at home say ick/yuck
    - i would like to see my handsome hubby again. someday. please.
    love, teh bride

  15. The last time Mr. Moose handed over control of his n*ts@ck he ended up with a vasectomy. Hence, only two lil' moose calves and not a whole horde. I think he was hoping I'd do something a bit more erotic with aformentioned n*ts@ck, but nothing says "Hawt!" better than permanent sterility.