Friday, August 13, 2010

Quick Hits: Numero Uno: CHOOCH!1!; ... Etc.

Yeah, so last night the Phils are getting their collective @$$es handed to them by the Dodgers and at like 9:40 I finally sent Ian to bed because it was way past his bedtime and it seemed pointless to let him stay up any later. And so Ian does what he always does, which is not go to sleep. He, I guess, was bugging Teh 'B. (who'd gone to bed at like 9 and was trying to sleep) so much1 that she apparently sent him back down. I let him stay up another 20 minutes or so, then sent him back to bed. Truth be told, I myself was staying up only to see if my guy, IbaƱez, would extend his hitting streak to 19 games because he hadn't gotten a hit yet2 and I had, sensibly enough, already written this game off as a loss.

And so but Ian is again doing what he usually does, which, as previously noted, is Not Go To Sleep Or Even to Bed.

"What are you doing up there, Ian?"

"I hafta pee!"

Five minutes later ...

"What now ...?"

"I'm brushing my TEETH, Daddy! Do you WANT me to get cavities?!?"

(See, because I'm the unreasonable one here, questioning a ten-year-old who's still up at 10:00 at night.)

And so eventually, the Phils kinda start to rally in the 8th even though at this point the score's 9-2 and I yell up to Ian, "The Phils are gonna lose, but you might as well come down because they might make a game of it."

And so he does.

And I do this because I sometimes kinda feel Ian is a good luck charm when it comes to the Phillies because he's not jaded and still thinks they can do anything.

And they score 4 runs in the 8th to make it 9-6.

And I'm saying to Ian, "Well, they're gonna lose, but at least they're making a game of it, right?"

And he sez, "You don't know they're gonna lose!"

"Well, it's possible they'll win, but let's just say unlikely."

"But they could ..."

"Yeah, they could ..."

And then ... they do. Four more runs in the 9th, capped off by Ruiz's two-run-scoring walk-off double against Broxton, a guy who throws 100-mph fastballs, and he never got so much as out ONE against Teh Fightins in the 9th. Just incredible.

And that there above is a screen grab I took from the Phillies site3 of Chooch Ruiz and you may think he's running to second there or something but, actually, this is him after the winning run had already crossed the plate and he was trying, BIG-ASS smile on his face, to run away from his teammates, who came out to swarm him. And boy, did they ever swarm him.

What. A. Comeback.

And Ian sez, "Call Uncle P.! [Teh Heisenbro]" And so we do at 11:00 at night. We get Teh 'S-i-L and we're all collectively screaming at each other about the game and generally gabbing about OUR upcoming trip to the park — Ian's first ever.

Man, when Ian, his Aunt and I4 go to see Teh Fightins this Wednesday, I hope we get to see something even half this exciting!
I can't prove this, but something tells me Sunrunner may be running some kind of Ponzi scheme:

Call it a hunch.
Barefoot Neil proves, with this graphic 

that I stole from his site, that lipid is just a polite word for fat! Now, as anybody who's read my blog for any length of time knows, my (relatively) high cholesterol was diagnosed by my eye doctor when he claimed during my eye exam to see "lipids" in my eyes — lipids being a sign of high cholesterol. What he was really saying was, "Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah-nyaaaaahhh! Fatty-Fatty-Fat Eyes!1!" Which the above Kanadian Nutrition Facts label goes a long way toward proving, what with its overt admission that Lipides = FAT. 

Thought you fucking Kanadians were supposed to be polite!

Second interesting fact: In French Kanada? Vitamin A = Vitamine A! Who coulda guessed?

The following is dedicated to Jonathan Broxton, because the man can throw hard and he's a kinda scarily good closer, but as Teh Fightins proved last night, sometimes The Harder They Come, The Harder They Fall:

[Caught Jimmy Cliff on The Colbert Report the other night and he did an excellent live version of this song. And this is an odd reggae song because it rejects the idea of the promised "pie up in the sky ... when I die" in favor of getting "my share of what's mine" ... "between the day you're born and when you die". Because a lot of reggae/Rastafarian music is other-world directed. But not this one.]
1 Ian prefers, in the summer, to sleep on a cot in our room, which we let him do because then we need to use only one air conditioner at night. We have one for his room, but I haven't even put it in this year. Every year I think, "This is the last year he's gonna wanna do that because he's gonna want to have nothing to do with us, his geezer parents, soon enough." And so I let him stay in our room. I really think this is the last year he'll want to1a.

1a [Added later, after morning run] Teh 'Bride is up and I just told her about The Phils' big win (as though she'd care) and she sez Ian wasn't bugging her, but that she thought I'd sent him to bed because he was bugging me. She told him, "Show daddy you can sit still and watch the game and not be jumping up in front of the TV — prove you can do that — and maybe he'll let you watch." But, in fact, I had only sent him to bed because it was late, waaay past his bedtime, and I was debating going up myself since I thought the Phils were destined to lose.

2 I know you don't care, Reader, but just FYI: He didn't. He went 0 for 5, which, for our Keefian Kanadian friends, means he got zero hits in five trips to the plate. As if you give a Kanadian Krap.

3 Which I took without the express, written — or even implied oral — consent of Major League Baseball because fuck Major League Baseball and their copyright rules re: accounts, descriptions and rebroadcasts of MLB games because this isn't about them and their lawyers. This is about Chooch. So sue me.

4 Inexplicably, Teh 'Bro didn't want to go  to the game! "I can watch them at home," he sez.

Incidentally, Ian and I were thisclose to going with teh 'S-i-L to see The Phils v. The Indians on June 23. We didn't because the next day we had to get up early to go to Rocking Horse. And of course Teh 'S-i-L smartly stayed till the bottom of the 9th when Rollins won it with a two-run walk-off homer.


  1. Don't trust anything written in French. You know those fuckers are trying to take over. First the metric system, next thing you know nous parlons francais!

    And you caught me. I am running a pyramid scheme using my blog as a front. SHIT!

  2. I remember buying "The Harder They Come" tape (gad, that dates me a bit) and it has the title track as the first AND the last song; even at that, it was a short release. A Jimmy Cliff concert must be about 15 minutes long and then repeated ad nauseum.

    Oh, and my Twins went from third place to first to second to first to second in the past week. And I'm still not entertained.

  3. As previously stated, I could give 2 shits about baseball or the Phyllis' (whatever they are called) for that matter, but I do so adore a good Ian story and that was a good Ian story.

    I think I am losing my shit, footnote number 1 almost made me cry. I think I need some sort of emotional intervention and be sent to 'Stop being such a big Pussy' rehab

  4. Baseball is still the king and I'm excited for Ian - getting ready to go to his first game. That's super cool! The only bad thing is you have trained him to root for a consistently terrible team. Oh well, even the Cubs have to have fans...

    The only thing better will be when you are achingly old and he takes you to a game at some point in the future. I've already been on that side of the table and I have to admit, it is pretty great.

  5. BTW, have you seen this? The people love you.

  6. I am not a fan of baseball, but I AM now a fan of Jimmy Cliff. That song was AMAZING. Made me wanna go right out and burn down a sugar cane plantation. Is this song included in The Little Red Songbook? If not, WHY not?

    Also, RBR - You are, indeed, a big pussy. (And not even a hawt one but a large gaping one, in serious need of waxing.) Footnote 1 just makes me wanna say, "Ian. Dude. Ferchrissakes go back to your own room so your paretns can get some."

  7. Ian is so cute. Don't worry about turning him into a Phillies fan. I've been cheering for the Saints since I was little and that finally just paid off. I feel it's better to expect your team to lose and be surprised if they win than to be crushed after every loss.

    @RBR- You better get on that Pussy rehab. Once Obama gets his hands on it, it'll be worse than the "Stop being a wanker" rehab over in England.

  8. The "Stop being a Wanker" rehab here has failed miserably. The island is drowning in wankers. I've tied a bunch of them together and am using them as a raft to keep me and my laptop afloat in the Channel whilst stealing French internet access.

    The shit I do for you people.

  9. I know you've all been waiting for me to post. I know that GQH isn't going to write another blog UNTIL I post. So. The things I do for you all. Watch it now, GQH will post within 24 hours. I mean, this post has me, Xenia, LooseMoose, SteveQ AND RBR commenting. What more could you live for?

    All right thinking Canadians know that French on the cereal boxes and other food packaging is an American plot to drive up our costs and make us all go blind trying to read the tiny print.

  10. Ok, so he posted on my blog, smoke gets in your eyes. That counts. I am SO counting it. And it wasn't even *6* hours later. I should get bonus points for calling it.

    And since you ask, why yes, many Canadian houses ARE airtight, or nearly so. No, really. They hook a big fan up to one of the doors and go around with a smoke wand looking for leaks to seal up.

  11. A week later and my Twins (no, not my balls) are in first with a 5 game lead. This time next week, they'll probably be in 3rd again.

    Still, it's better than football. I was interrupted so that people could listen to Brett Favre announce he was going to do his job. He really should've been interrupted by reporters saying, "We're thinking of turning your microphone on. We'll let you know in a few weeks."

  12. Who or what is Brett Favre??? What sport does he play? Or was he convicted of something? Last I heard, the other day while driving home from work, I was listening to the sports guy talking about helicopters tracking Favre as he went somewhere. No context at all.

  13. Do I have to start another blog just to get you to write something? 10 days and counting (and the Twins are still in first).

  14. Hey! JoyRuN has left the blogosphere! Xenia is off writing her dissertation. I've pulled the plug on my blog...

    Somebody out there write something!!!