Thursday, September 9, 2010

Welcome to The USSTUGA

Across this great country of ours, there are some things that many of us can agree on, such as, e..g., We Like Seeing Dr. Nic Get Kicked in Teh Face. But there are one or two weirdos out there who might object to this1, and their views, though obviously fucktarded, must be respected.

Alas, Dr Nic's dented face cannot truly Unite Us All.

There are other things that we can find virtually no consensus on, such as the burning question2: RBR: Chick? Or Tranny? A vocal minority still says "chick"3, a fact at which we, the non-deluded, can only shake our heads sadly.

So no, RBR's broad, boa-bedecked shoulders and duct-taped-into-submission penis cannot Make Us One, alas! adude!

And that is why I welcome you all to The USSTUGA, which, of course stands for:

The United States of Shoving Things Up Glaven's @$$

For, evidently, This Inexplicable Desire to See That Things4 Be Shoved Up My Personal @$$ — a desire that is sweeping the nation like a dance craze — is the only Genuinely Universal Thing that all5 can agree on.

Because when I arranged to have my yearly physical a couple of weeks ago, my usual doctor, Dr. Johnson6 , was not available. And so the doctors' office arranged for me to see Dr. D., who is a skirt, and who saw me when I dislocated my shoulder and I noticed at that time that she was slender and so she therefore also had very slender fingers and so when (getting back to the confab I had on the phone here to make my appointment for my physical) the receptionist asked me, re: getting a doctor other than Dr. J., if I minded being examined by a woman doctor, I assured her I did not judge doctors by their gender, or for that matter by any other irrelevant criteria, such as their medical qualifications.

I am 50. I judge doctors solely on the basis of finger-girth.

And Dr. D. was more than acceptable to me7.

And, as I mentioned in a previous PTSD-filled post about my physical, Teh 'Bride, just as I was leaving for the appointment, mentions that, what with my being a geezer and all, Dr. D. might recommend that I allow someone to ram a sea captain's collapsible telescope up my butt have a colonoscopy.

Which of course Dr. D. did suggest, which means that 100% of the women I spoke to that morning expressed an interest in my being anally violated.

So Dr D. did the exam, and she was gentle with me and her finger really was all I hoped it would be — i.e., thin and tapered — but here's the thing:

Men. I think most men do not share my method of choosing doctors to perform their physicals. I think most men would rather have a male doctor with Polish sausage-sized fingers examine them than have a woman do it, because they're pussies (the men, I mean) and having a woman do it would be embarrassing.

Which means female doctors don't get to do that particular exam much.

Which means they doubt their diagnostic skills w/r/t that particular exam.

Which, in my case, meant Dr. D. thought she may have felt something.

Which meant ... she recommended I see a urologist just to make sure.

Which meant — just yesterday — yet another exam of that type. But by a dude doctor, this time. A Big. Beefy. Dude.

Okay, it wasn't all bad, because as I drop trou and start to turn around, he says, "No, wait, I want to examine you up front first." And he does, and the first words out of his mouth are, "Whoa!"

And I'm all, "Well, thank you very much, doctor, but don't feel bad. I'm sure your wife loves you very much and you probably have other ways of ... let's just say 'attending to her needs'."


But no, seriously, he actually made me stare into the eye of my own penis while he pointed out this unusual characteristic which no one else had ever pointed out before and it was pretty interesting — I had never actually interfaced with my penis before; you know, really gotten to know it — and so that was kinda worth the price of admission and no I won't tell you what the penile anomaly was or post a picture of it.

And he asks me the usual questions, e.g., "How long does it take you to pee?" to which I said, "Well, it can take up to a minute-and-a-half for the urine to makes its way all the way out, doctor, but you see the length of pipeage it has to travel" and he said, "Yeah. Fair enough."

But the upshot is:

My prostate seems to be fine.
1 Or they are, peradventure, just waiting till little Eddy develops the motor skills to roll himself lower down on the bed so he can kick Daddy in the nards because for some reason, Mommy won't just place him where he can get in a good nard-kick which would really wake Daddy up and if you have no idea what all this means then you really should have clicked through on that link above and watched the video.

2 That burning sensation is mostly in the genital area, for reasons about which there should be no real question.

3 Including, presumably, RBR's husband, but I do not know that for a fact.

4 Mostly doctors'4a fingers

4a At least, they said they were doctors when they bought me that drink at the bar. Da-dump-bump-CHEEE! Hiiiiiii-yoooooooooooo!1!

And they claimed it was their fingers ....

5 Except me.

6 Yeah, despite his name? He never actually uses his Johnson during the exam ... that I could tell, anyway. My back was turned to him at a certain critical juncture.

But I heard no zippers.

7 I was going to add, "Just as I would be receptacle to her", but I deemed that joke in bad taste and, really, it woulda kinda make it sound as though there were more going on than a digital exam and so it woulda made me sound like some kind of dirty whoo-wer whereas, in fact, I'm a classy whoo-wer.

And that's why I didn't add that.


  1. Moooooon Riverrrrrr!

    Glad the prostate is fine.

  2. Does this mean you have permanent con-junk-tivitis of the peen? Or does your peen actually have the eye of the tiger? You know you want to tell us.

  3. You using the whole fist, there doc?

    I don't know when my doc is gonna tell me I need my first colonoscopy, but I'd rather have my fingers pulled off with pliers than drink a gallon of Go "Lightly". Won't tequila work just the same? And then I'll have a nice fat buzz and won't care whats being shoved up my sphincter. I love that word. Sphincter.

  4. What's really, really funny about that post, the funniest thing by far, is only evident to Canadians. That pic of the smiling doctor? He looks EXACTLY like Jack Layton, the leader of the federal NDP, a small, fruitloop left-wing political party. Brighter than the Tea Partiers, but not by much. How left wing? Let's just say that by current American standards, the NDP makes Lenin and Marx look like a bunch of right wing weenies.

    Anyways. Not sure why guys have this thing about a female doctor putting the latex gloves on. She's almost certainly has seen more male anatomy than we have, in far more detail. Besides, if I need medical treatment, the gender of the doctor providing it simply is not relevant to the issue. I admit, myself, to being mildly concerned about medical credentials.

    Oh, and thank you. You know why. I'm sure everybody else thanks you too. Right guys? And tranny's?

  5. I was once asked if I minded being seen by a woman doctor and I said I preferred it; I was given a look that screamed, "you should keep that to yourself, pervert." I still don't get what was wrong with saying that.

    When it comes to rectal exams, digital is not preferable to the older method of analog. After all, it has "anal" and "log" right in the name.

  6. I Highlander-ed all your extraneous deleted comments on my post. Now your last comment looks extra twat-ish. Your welcome says the hairy Greek biotch who just came back from getting waxed. Sah-mooth!

  7. I thought modern medical science was able to diagnose prostate issues by the PSA blood tests instead of a digital exam.

    Sounds like you just go to doctors who clearly are pervs!

  8. PSA tests have a high degree of false positives.

  9. I am 37 on 10/10/10 so three more years of no mister jelly finger... I had a barium enima at 25 years old tho... can't be worse than that.

  10. 1. We all know you are a dirty whoo-wer and your constant denying of that fact only makes it more apparent.

    2. NO ONE believes that you have not previously stared into the eye of your own penis. For most men, that epoch of life is referred to as 'middle school to death'.

    3. So when is the colonscopy and will you post the video? Inquiring minds, and all...

    4. Thank you for reminding everyone that taking care of yourself is the best gift you can give to your family and friends. And as your friend, I thank you for letting us know the good news.

    (You big, tranny hater. You are just jealous that I am not only prettier than you I am more manly. Well, at least that is what your good buddy, Matty said...)