Thursday, September 30, 2010

Wuck Teh Fhat?

Yeah, so I wake up this morning at my usual time, which is like 3:30 a.m., and I come downstairs and start the coffee and I check out the window and see it's not raining and I'm all Cool! I can get that last run in, and then I get my coffee1 and I go downstairs and "fuck about", as the Klassy Brits would say, on the Mac, actually going so far as to plot out my run beforehand on MapMyRun, and then I head back upstairs, strap on my (WAIT FOR IT!1!) dildo iPod, put on my reflective vest, strap on my (WAIT FOR IT!1!) back-up dildo because, hey, you never know when dildo-failure might occur and you should always have a spare locked and loaded to save time hydration belt and I head to the door and open it and ... it's fucking raining.

Is this a new thing? When did this happen? That it can be not raining and then, an hour later, raining cats and dogs? Because I never agreed to this arrangement.

So, anyroad, I stare outside for a moment or two and ask myself the only Question That Matters: WWSQD (What Would SteveQ Do)? And the answer seems obvious: He'd definitely run in that shit. And so it stands to reason that the only rational thing to do is abort my run, which I immediately decide to do.

It was with some regret that I made this decision because it means that I will not hit my September2 goal of 100 miles run.

And so here are my September numbers:

Running Miles: 94.42

Walking Miles: 38.93 [Updated, 2:45 p.m.: 41.54 miles now because I didn't think I'd be able to get out there for my lunch time walk but it turns out it wasn't raining at lunch time so I got my 2.61-mile walk in and I didn't bring a walking T-shirt in today cos I figgered no way was I gonna walk so my regular shirt is kinda stinky now but I'm not on the desk today so the # of people who'll be affected by my stank is minimal. Assuming they survive.]

Riding Miles on my P*ssy-@$$ Recumbently-Emo Exercise Bike: Zero3

Pathetic as that seems — I mean, five-and-a-half miles short of 100? Come on! — I think it was smart of me not to push it; because the Bigger Goal this year is to make it to 1000 miles and right now I've run 800.03, which means I have three whole months to run a mere 200 additional miles. Now, my lowest-mileage month was April, in which I ran 80.15 miles. If I average that — 80 miles per month — for the last 3 months of 2010, I will end up having run 1040 miles for the year, by my (by no means infallible) calculations. And I figure the only way I would not be able to do that is if I were to injure myself ... by, say, running in the rain at 5 in the morning when it is still pitch black outside, or, as Ian would say, "pitch African-American", because he thinks "African-American" is cognitively synonymous with "black" in all contexts, which I think might get him into trouble at some point, like if he were, say, at a diner and were to say, innocently, "Could you please pass me the African-American pepper?" which I, in my mind's eye, can actually see him doing. It doesn't end well.

So to recap: I did NOT run this morning and I "let discretion be the better part of valor", which is a saying we pussies have and adhere to almost as faithfully as we do our other saying: "Wait! Look over there! [runs pussily away]"

And so I probably won't run again until Saturday, when I have a 10k race, which, though a real race, is also a virtual race, because Barefoot Canuck Neil Z. is sponsoring this like 10-on-10/10 (his birthday) virtual race, the rules to qualify for which are ridiculously liberal, with the notable exception of the one that states that the miles (or kilometres) you run should be actual not "virtual", which seems kinda arbitrary but, then again, Neil is Kanadian, so there you go. But anyroad, those 10k on Saturday will be the 10 I run for this 10-on-10/10 thing because the miles you run for this 10-on-10/10 thing don't even have to be on October 10th, a condition that could only make sense to a Kanadian.
And so now, in honor of Ian, here's the Great Rolling Stones Song, "Paint It,4 African-American"
1 I'm telescoping the time-scheme here for you, which is something all of us Great Writers do, because the coffee didn't really finish brewing that quickly and I'm pretty sure you don't want to know what-all took place between the time I started the coffee and the time it finished brewing because most of it is pretty boring and marginally disgusting, what with all the n*ts@ck-scratching and horking-up of a nighttime's accumulation of phlegm and the ... um ... let's just say informal measuring of certain appendages (it grew another inch overnight!) etc.

So I spared you all of that and much more, for which you are so fucking welcome, not that I can recall your thanking me, ya buncha ingrates.

2 In truth, not merely my September goal. It's what I shoot for every month. And yet I've managed to do it only four times this years: in March, June, July and August. Got close in January and now September. But close don't cut it where I come from, which must be Pussyville because who doesn't run just because of a little rain?

3 Because Morrissey, aka my P*ssy-@$$ Recumbent Exercise Bike, is still broken and in need of welding. And even though Teh 'Bride talked to the guy at Art's Welding3a — presumably Art himself — who said we could bring it in to be welded any time, that was about a month ago and we still haven't done it.

3a (Which I for some reason insisted on calling "Creamer Smoothing" because "Art's Welding" reminded me of the company George Costanza used to work for where nothing got done, the name of which fictional company I just looked up, and it's actually Kruger Smoothing, so I was getting it wrong all along because I'm a fucktard.)

4 Yeah, this footnote is for that comma, because it's not a mistake — at least it's not my mistake; Keef claimed it was the record company's — because it's right there in the title as it appears on the record and the record's jacket, even though it, the comma, makes no sense, unless Keef and Mick were trying to tell some dude named "Black" to "Paint It", which brings up the secondary, but possibly more pressing, question: Is the titular "it" what I think it is? Because if it is, I'm here to tell all you dudes out there: Do NOT paint it, no matter how many rock stars exhort you to, because if you get paint ... let's just say inside "it", it fucking hurts and don't ask me how I know this, but let's just say I'm the voice of experience here, and leave it at that.


  1. I wouldn't run in the rain; I'd push it back in the clouds with my fists.

    Still plenty of time left in the day to get in those miles, though I hear your rain's not letting up soon.

  2. Don't forget George (or his alter ego, "Art Vandalay") was also an importer/exporter for Vandalay Industries.

    Man, I HATE it when the batteries run out in one of my Bedroom Aids when I'm in the middle of something! Luckily I have backups to finish the job.

  3. I'd have run. No such thing as bad weather, only poor clothing choices. Or being a weenie. A small one.

  4. What? No Houdini?

    YOU MADE IT DISAPPEAR!1! O, you are good, SteveQ!1!

    Teh 'Bride's mother lurved her some TC when she was a teen. So much so that she named her stuffed bear "Bernie Schwartz".

    We put her and Bernie teh Bear in a home, needless to say ...

  5. The comment above is the comment I tried to put on SteveQ's Tony Curtis post today, but his fucking blog EATED it and now sez "Service unavailable", so I commented here instead and that comment won't make sense to you unless you go to SteveQ's and read his post.

    Still, it makes more sense than Keef's comment.

  6. Houdini's in that okay middle of career section; good, but not great movie. It was one of his better acting performances.

    I had nothing to do with Blogger's trying to tell you to keep your opinions to yourself. Having my own computer problems today. Typed "Faceboob" into search engine, getting the prompt: Did you mean Facebook?

    No. I know what I want. Dare I find out if there is such a site?

  7. I guess you didn't count the list items either; I published only 12, not 13. I left off Spartacus! Correction made.

    There's no Faceboob site, but there's someone calling himself that on Facebook.

  8. The day ain't over yet. I bet it doesn't rain the entire day - get out there!

  9. Congratulations on the great running total. Sheesh and I was ecstatic over my measly 38 miles for the month! BUT, I do have you totally blown away on the snatches I've done this month: 2326 to be exact.....chock on that!

    Good luck on your 10K!

  10. Obviously I can't spell....that should say "choke"....

  11. 100 or not - that's a nice month!

    F'ing rain....


  12. Note: this comment has nothing to do w/ anything written above.

    Last night Scott and I were watching Real Sports with Bryant Gumbel and they did this whole thing on baseball players: CC something the pitcher, Josh Hamilton from the Rangers and they said something about the American League and I accidentally blurted out "The American League is a bunch of P*ssies" and Scott almost fell off the sofa.

    I think I've been reading too much GQH, what do u think?

    Reminds me of Marcus Applewhite, grape koolaid and a black track suit. You have to stop brainwarshing me. Yeah, there's an r in there cause that's how we talk down here.

  13. Marshall Applewhite, that is. Not Marcus.

  14. Fucker.

    And not the good kind.

    One day I will run more miles than you in a month. And I have NO hope of 1000 miles this year, but some day.

    Damn you and your consistency!