Hahahahaha! Just kidding! He's a horrible lay!
No, really. I wasn't able to get to Ian's game today until like the third inning (Teh 'Bride1 took him) and he'd sat out the first inning anyway, so I didn't miss much.
Well, except 9 runs, because Ian's team was ahead 7-2 by then.
So I was in time to see Ian's second at bat2 and he got a good piece of the ball but he popped it up to short and was out.
But in the field?
There was a grounder hit to Ian in the fourth that was rather routine and he fielded it and threw the guy out. I was proud that he didn't boot it but to anyone else? Ho-hum. Still, for a kid who's in his first year of organized league baseball ...
You see, when I get home from work, Ian always wants to go up to the park and play some ball. I pitch to him and I hit him grounders and pop-ups, and tell him to get his body in front of the ball, etc., but that is the extent of his "formal" training. And this year is the first year he's done this because before this year? Yeah, the only thing he cared about was fishing3.
So whatever he knows about baseball, he's essentially learned on his own by watching his heroes on TV. And one thing he learned from watching them is that you spit constantly, which he does and it drives Teh 'Bride just absolutely nuts. Because it's like step-spit-step-spit with Ian all day long and Teh 'Bride's all, "Ian, STOP SPITTING, it's GROSS!1!"
And the other thing he learned is you don't just take the ball out of your glove when you field a grounder. No. Because Jimmy Rollins and Derek Jeter and a whole bunch of other pro players kinda hop it from glove to hand and so Ian picked up this bad habit from them and the coaches on his team are forever telling him not to do that.
But I used to call Ian "Victorino" because, like Phils center fielder Shane Victorino, Ian just seems to love diving catches. And when I hit him pop-ups, he always says, "Make me hafta dive, Dad," which I do. And when I hit him grounders, he sez, "Hit it way over there, Dad, so I hafta dive," and I do.
And I'm no Ryan Howard, but I really slam these grounders, and he always gets to them, at least, and usually he fields them cleanly. He just has a knack.
So in the fifth inning of Ian's 6-inning game, the other team has tied it, 7-7, and there are two outs and there's a guy on third and some kid hits a really hot grounder in the hole between second and first and it looks as though it's going through for a single.
But Ian dives and fields it cleanly. And my heart swells with pride because even though there's no way he'd throwing this kid out (Ian's prone on the ground at this point), he still made a great play.
But then Ian jumps up. Plants his feet. Fires a bullet to first, right on target. And gets the kid by a step!
I was utterly (or maybe Utley) amazed.
And I just scream, "Way to go, Ian!" He kept the go-ahead run from scoring!
And when he gets to the dugout, I run over and say, "High-five, Utley!" And I'm gushing about the play and he says, "Dad, I'm really hungry. Can you buy me a hot dog?" Which I do.
Then, as he eats it, I can't stop talking about his great play and he says, "I'm still hungry. Can I have fries?"
All he wants to talk about is food.
And so I had to leave the game before it was over to visit with Teh 'Dad, and didn't get to see the last inning, but Teh 'Dad and I called and talked to Chase Utley, Jr., and he told us his game ended in a tie.
One of these guys is Phillies All Star 2nd Baseman Chase Utley. The other is my boy Ian. Can you tell which is which? Neither can I anymore._______________
So Ian made me take him to the field when I got home from my visit with Teh 'Dad and we played ball for another hour. Lately, Dad's been listening to With The Beatles in the car and right now Ian is upstairs doing his rendition of this gem:
1 Teh 'Bride took him and she wore my Phillies hat to keep her unruly curls at bay. They were unruly because she'd just got back from the health club and Ian wouldn't let her shower before they left because he said he'd miss batting practice so she went all stinky (but that's girl-stinky, so not very) and when she got there people thought she knew something about the Phillies because of the hat and they asked her questions and she got every single one wrong; viz., "When do they play again?" "Um, I think they have today off but then the next two games are in San Francisco ...?"
In fact. the Phils play tonight and tonight's game and tomorrow's (if there has to be one) are in Philadelphia.
Nice try, 'Bride.
And she only wore the Phillies hat because the only other baseball cap she has is a CWA one and we live in a very red area of NJ and Teh 'Bride was afraid she'd be confronted by militant union-hating teabag fucktards and she just didn't want to have to deal with that at her son's baseball game. "But at least union questions you could have answered correctly," I reminded Teh shop steward 'Bride. "True enough," she conceded.
2 Me: Did Ian get up yet?
Teh 'Bride: I think so.
Me: How'd he do?
TB: Um ... I don't know. I videoed it. I think he got on first home.
Me: First base. How'd he get on first base?
TB: I don't know. I think he hit the ball. Or the referee just told him to go to first home for some reason.
Me: Umpire. First base. I'll wait and ask Ian how he got on.
3 Well ... and hunting, but we don't let him hunt.