Thursday, October 7, 2010

Je M'Accuse Week: Post The Last: I Am A Bad Brother

Yesterday at work I get this e-mail from Teh 'Bro, the subject of which is "day late, no dollars"; and that's because yesterday was 10/6 and Teh 'Bride's and my anniversary was 10/5 and Teh 'Bro forgot to call or e-mail on the 5th and so this e-mail was his apology with belated anniversary wishes. And what kinda jerk forgets an anniversary?

Well sit back and learn what kind, because here is my response, in full, to The 'Bro's original e-mail:
I can beat that [he was going on about how bad it was that he forgot our anniversary].

We were lying in bed Monday night after I got home from my late night at the library and [Teh 'Bride] starts lamenting that she has to work late Tuesday, "our day", sez she, and I'm all, "What the hell are you going on about, woman? What's 'our day'?"

And she had to stare at me for like 5 minutes while I looked at my watch for the date and figured out what she meant by "our day".

Which I eventually did.

So yeah, my life could be an episode of "The Flintstones" and countless other sitcoms, both live action and animated. "O MY GOD, Barney, I forgot our anniversary! Wilma's gonna KILL me! We have to go down to Wal-Rock right now and get her something! I'm thinking a case of Coke-Rock Cola and some bulk Dino-Chips should do it!"

By the way - we're celebrating "our day" today, so you're just in time.

And we did celebrate "our day" yesterday by getting take-out from our favorite Italian restaurant and sitting in front of the TV and watching Doc throw his no-hitter against the Reds in his first ever post-season game, which was really more my idea of a great anniversary experience than Teh 'Bride's.

Actually, Ian also approved of this plan so Teh 'B. was out-voted 2-11.

Anyroad, The Phillies game started at 5 yesterday, which was fine, because we were DVRing it, which I prefer because that way you can get a half hour or so of buffer time and then fast-forward through the commercials in 10 seconds.

But Ian had a whole lot of homework and we had to get that done first; and so it was more like 6:30 that we started watching the game and thus we had a ton of buffer time.

And at like 7:30, when the actual game apparently ended, we were still watching like the bottom of the 5th; and the phone rings and I actually say out loud, as a joke, "You're calling NOW, 'Bro?" Not really believing it was him.

But our answering machine is rigged to pick up on the second ring because Teh 'B. and I screen ALL our calls because any time we pick up it's always a telemarketer and please do NOT suggest that we get ourselves put on the "no call" list because we already are, for all that is worth.

And so the answering machine picks up and, lo and behold, it is Teh 'Bro and you can tell he's had a beer or two (as had I), and he's all, "Well it looks like Doc gave you an anniversary present -"

And at this point I'm scrambling for the phone and screaming at it, "Shut up, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!1!" because it's only the fifth inning for us and it's 4-zip Phils but we don't know how it's gonna turn out.

And I pick the phone up, laughing, and say to Teh 'Bro, "SHUT UP! We're only in the fifth over here!" And he's like incredulous that we didn't watch it live, or at least that we were this far behind and so he lamely says something like, "Yeah, it was great till Halladay gave up that grand slam in the 9th ..."

And, not being an idiot, I already know this means the Phillies won and I'm not at all fooled by this improvised "grand slam"  red herring.

But it still didn't occur to me that Doc had sustained his no-hitter.

Because ever since Doc's perfect game in May, if a Phillies pitcher has a 1-2-3 first inning, Ian will say, "He's got a perfect game going!" And I'm always like, "Ian, there have been like 22 of those in the history of ML baseball. This is not going to be another perfect game. That's just one inning." Because I enjoy crushing little kids' spirits and also punching babies in the face because somebody has to now that Teh Marcy's not around anymore. Plus they deserve it.

And, typically for him, Ian was talking perfect game after Doc threw a 1-2-3 first inning. And in the fifth, when Doc gave up that one walk, I said to Ian, "See? There goes the perfect game." And I just assumed that someone would get a hit off Doc, too, because no-hitters rarely happen, too.

And it was right around this time that Teh 'Bro called, when Doc's perfect game was spoiled, and so I was so sure the Reds would eventually get a hit that it was as though, in my mind, it had already happened.

And so the end of the game was still a surprise to us because it didn't occur to me that Teh 'Bro had called not merely to discuss a Phils win, but also Doc's no-hitter.

And I really should have figured this out because it's always me who calls Teh 'Bro after a particularly impressive Phillies win. And so we got to the end of the game and realized how major it was, and I called Teh 'Bro back, but by this time he and Teh 'S-i-L we at a bar celebrating and he couldn't hear me.

And so Je M'Accuse:

I Am a Bad Brother.
1 She thought Ian shouldn't have a vote in "our" anniversary plans, but again, she was out-voted on this issue 2-1.

I love democracy.


  1. I heard about the "no hitter" this am. Couldn't find a radio station where they weren't talking about it. But the clip they play clearly indicated that someone hit the ball. So I don't get this no hitter thing.

    In more important news you are not alone in not remembering dates. I've got Linda's birthday and our anniversary down pat. I remember my brother's birthday only because he shares it with a cousin, so it was a two for one deal. But that's it, no idea when he was married or his wife's birthdate. The only reason I "remember" to send birthday greetings to friends is the day has been put into my calendar.

  2. I actually had a premonition that Doc was going to throw a no hitter. Actually is was more like 'Man, wouldn't it be awesome if Doc threw a no hitter!!' and then he did! Did you hear about it?

  3. Doc throwing the no-no made me want to root for the Phils. Almost.

    I hear I can get a good deal on a Mets #53 jersey.

  4. Who is Doc and why is a medical "professional" at a baseball game instead of in the $%^^%& operating room where he should be!!!!!????????

  5. So the Twins showed once again you can't just pitch innings 1-5 and 9; either the starters have to go 8 or we need long-relievers. I'd be saying great things about the Phils, but I have my hands full with denigrating Yankees.

    btw, my stats show I had 6 visitors to my blog using a hiptop browser and 6 using Danger OS. Never heard of either of them.

  6. I call bullshit.

    This is a Phillies post disguised as a Je M'Accuse post.

    I was tricked into reading it. Bait 'n Switch if I ever saw one.

    And if THAT makes you a bad brother, I am going to 'bad sister hell' in the proverbial hand basket. Possibly even adorned in a bow.