Tuesday, October 12, 2010

My Level of Commitment

I think nothing could speak more eloquently to the level of my commitment to running than the fact that I woke up this morning fully intending to go for a run but, upon looking outside and seeing that it's raining pretty steadily here in mid-Northish Joisey, I immediately decided to cancel my run as though I were some Oz-land witch who melts upon contact with water and whose greatest fear is falling houses full of Kansans. Which is absurd.

My greatest fear is Kanadians bearing gifts1.

Which brings me to today's burning2 issue: Barefoot Neil Z.

You see, Barefoot N. Zed sponsored this virtual race which was called a virtual race because the rules for joining it were virtually non-existent. For example: The race is over now, but there's nothing in the rules that sez you can't still run it. You probably won't win anything ... because the prize-drawings already happened. So you'll have to be in it for something other than one of the prizes.

Which is what luuuuzers always say, anyway: "O, I wasn't in it for the prizes! I was in it for ________ [fill in the blank3]."

Well, guess what, luuuuzers?

I won something! Hahahahahahahaha! In your FACES!1! Especially all of you who said I didn't have what it TAKES to be picked from a pumpkin basket in a random drawing4! Because guess what? I do!

And we know this was a fair drawing because guess who else won a prize in this random drawing?

N. Zed's mother is who! Would his mother agree to be in a drawing if it wasn't on the up-and-up? I think not! QED — it was fair.

As for what I won: it's something called a "SpiBelt" and it looks like this:

And I'm not exactly sure what it is, but my best guess is that it is some sort of Kanadian Chastity Belt. Which confirms what I've always suspected:

Kanadians have only the vaguest idea where the vagina is located.

Soooooo close5!

And so now to claim my prize, all's I have to do, in theory, is send Neil my address. Which is problematic for a number of reasons, the leading one of which being that I live on a street named Vagina Way and — Neil being Kanadian and all — he'll probably end up sending my prize to one of my neighbors by accident. I mean, it'll get close to Vagina Way, but not quite there and I'll just end up frustrated and I'll have to fake having received the prize so he doesn't feel inadequate.

O well. I wasn't in it for the prizes anyway.
1 Followed closely by Kanadians baring their genitals.

Hahahahahahaha! Kidding! Kanadians don't have genitals! They re-produce asexually. In fact, that's how they do everything.

2 That burning sensation means it's working ... asexually.

3 It really doesn't matter what lame thing you fill it in with because we all know you're lying and you wanted a prize and you're just trying to sound all noble with your unconvincing "O, I did it for the kids" or "O, I'm running for all those people out there who can't run because they're lazy" or "I'm running it because I'm trying to impress this really hawt chick with my athleticism and I thought What better place to do this than in the blogosphere on some masochistic Barefoot Kanadian's site?" — well, I got news for you ... that last one doesn't even qualify as noble in theory.

But I respect it. Because "I did it for the nookie" is always a correct answer.

4 That being, essentially, a pulse.

5 If you clicked through to my site from Neil Zed's, that there pic is an example of the kind of PG27 content Neil warned you about. But he forgot to mention that it's not just the language here at fourinoneblog.

I also do offensive pictures.


  1. Well, if you don't want Neil to know your address have him send the prize to me, and I'll forward it. Being Kanadian, you know I'm honest, unlike some of the other bloggers would be doing this to LURE YOU IN! Or fake you out. Or something, whatever, so they'd have the prize.

    And you make a good point. The rules are so loose, I can still enter, since I did a 10 K run the other day. Proving my motives are pure, since there is no prize to be had. Unless I can con you out of yours. (Oops, did I say that out loud?)

  2. Funny the title of your blog is regarding your level of commitment, because I think you need to be FULLY COMMITTED to an institution you NUTJOB.

    Vagina Way is located in the SOUTH for cripes sake. Def not in the North. Don't you know anything about geography???

    My flight to Newark leaves in 3 hours. HELP ME. I've applied an orange glow to my skin, spiked my hair and I'm ready to meet some full on guidos and guidettes. If you don't hear from me in 48 hours, send emergency evacuation crews.

  3. Congrats on winning an ineffectual chastity belt. That's like the Golden Ticket to Loserville. Well done.

  4. Congratulations on having your name randomly selected by a 4 year old for one prize out of 18 that were being given away as prizes for a "race" with no rules or limits!

    Wow. You must be so proud. I know I am.

    Nice picture of Ms. 6% body fat. You know what comes with 6% body fat on a woman?

    Well, it sure as shit ain't boobies :)

  5. You know what comes with 6% body fat on a woman?

    ZOMG, B*Tch! For a minute there I thought you were gonna say me!

    Hahahahahahaha! It would have been true, too.

  6. G.: you get a nice shout-out on my blog today.

  7. Damn. I had a great photo with an arrow pointing to a woman's groin to share, but, even if I used SnapIt/Snap2It, I still couldn't figure out how to put it here.

  8. @G: Alright, I will give you that was a good one. You are a total pig, but that was a good one.

  9. Man, my Spibelt doesn't look like that!