Monday, October 18, 2010

Read Teh Tag (Because It Should Be This Post's Title)

So I checked the Pretzel City site today to see if the official results for yesterday's 5k race were up, and they were. I was interested mainly because I had no idea how many people raced it because Ian made me leave as soon as I crossed the Finish Line1. Turns out there were 122. I was 29th, so that means I was in the top quarter. Sweet.

Also, turns out my actual time was 24:22, which is three seconds faster than I thought2.

Also: Turns out I'd have been first3 in my (penile4) age group - if they'd done age groups. Which they did not. Suck @$$!
So last week Ian and I were watching the last game of the Rangers-Rays series, with Cliff Lee pitching (excellently, of course) for the Rangers and The Phils had Cliff for half a season last year and he compiled a 7-4 record but went 4wins, NO losses in the post season, including the only two wins we got against the Yankees in last year's World Series.

And while Ian and I are watching the game, Teh 'Bride is also sitting there on the sofa reading magazines. And Lee had made one of his great pitches and Ian and I were like, "Yeah! CLIFF LEE!1!" and Teh 'Bride looks up and asks, "That's Cliff Lee? I thought he was Asian?"

No, 'Bride. That would be his half-brother, Criff Ree.

Hahahahahahahaha! It's funny cos it's borderline racist!

Seriously. The guy was with us for a half a season last year, nearly wins the WS for us single-handedly, and Teh 'Bride never noticed he was Caucasian? Truly, we live in a post-racial world.

Or Teh 'Bride does, anyway.

Hahahahahahaha! "Criff Ree!" I just got that one.
I just today received my Kanadian Chastity Belt (aka, SpiBelt) from Barefoot Neil Z. It looks like this:

But that fat B*TCH can't do it justice so tomorrow I'll upload a provocative picture of me wearing nothing but my SpiBelt and my sexiest smile.

Yeah, full-frontal and -dorsal. Wait'll you get a load of my vestigial tail.

1 Right next to the Sweddish1a Border.

1a Yeah, it should be one "d" if I were actually referring to the country, but I'm not; it's a pun, to match the word "Finish" above, which is "missing" an "n" if it's supposed to refer to the country, but it's not. It's a pun, too. But inevitably someone1a1 would come along and tell me I misspelt "Swedish" if I didn't footnote that footnote above.

1a1 Most likely a Swedde.

2 But still slow.

Fuck you, RBR.

3 Or possibly second, because a runner named Tim Carman beat me by a second and Tim Carman's age is listed as "?" and his/her gender is listed as "Tranny" "RBRish" "?", too. But Tim Carman seemed male to me and seemed to be possibly about the same age as I.

So let's just say I was second.

For all the good it did me.

4 The fastest 50-59-year-old in the race was actually a Vagino-American named Cheryl Maccarone, and with a last name like that it's no wonder she can run fast. Hahahahahahahaha! I'm SUCH a DICK!1 I mean with the caustic ridicule and all.

But that's what she gets for being like a minute-and-a-half faster than I. FEAR MY RHETORICAL WRATH, SPEEDY SKIRTS!1!


  1. Re: Footnote #1: Long way to go for a pun.

    Re: Footnote # 2: getting harder and harder sell that isn't it? *smug grin*

    Re: Footnote #3: I have met Tim*, it is a recent change, but he does prefer to be called a male.

    Re: Footnote #3b: *smirk* I am assuming this is #4, sadly I did have to scroll up to check,


    Vagino-American Credit where credit is due, that was HILARIOUS.

    *I have not met "Tim" and on the off chance that "Tim" actually reads this blog. Please note that G called you a transvestite. I merely called you a post surgical transsexual.

  2. @RBR- Thanks. Footnote 4 fixed.

    Now take that smirk off yer face!

  3. I forget, was that first in your age group and top 25%? Tell me again how you were slow?

    smirk removed, smug grin still in place.

  4. I really hate the bitch with the abs and the "belt"

  5. Oh my. I can't wait to see you in that belt, Glaven. I'm so glad I've started reading your blog.

  6. Fantastic. I see I've gotten back to civilization just in time to see some hawt photos of GQH!!!

    You would have *hated* Yosemite. So many damn foreigners. Nobody spoke Engrish!!!!!!! WTF???

  7. WTH happened to the new post, Glaven?!