Tuesday, November 23, 2010

A Hodgepodge of Boring Crap But At Least It's Mostly Related to Running

On Sunday morning, I went for a 10.6 mile run; it was the first double-digit run I've done since October 24. It was at a 9:30 pace. Far from spectacular, but since the idea was to run long (for me), not fast, I think I'll manage to live with that pace.

Also this past weekend:

On Saturday morning, I went to the Expo for my Little Mid-Northish Joisey Town's incredibly popular Turkey Trot, for to pick up my bib and chip (mmmm ... bib 'n' chips ....). I am number 1195. There will undoubtedly be more people in this year's race than there are people who live in my town, whose population is just slightly over 4000.

The Turkey Trot is the first race I ever ran, way back in 2007. This'll be my fourth time running it. Interesting factoid: My times have gotten progressively slower with each passing year. But that is only because I'm honest.

See, more and more people run Teh Trot every year; I am not sure how or why it became so popular. The race organizers ask you to line up in the area designating the pace you think you're capable of running, which is typical for races of this size, I guess. But here's the thing: There are these — let's call them, O ... I dunno ... walkers — who evidently labor under the fucktarded delusion that they are going to walk 3.11 miles at a 5 minute pace. So you ("you" being "me", who lined up, honestly, in the 8-minute-mile pace area even though you're capable on a good day of a 7:xx pace in a 5K race) spend the first half mile of the race dodging your way through, not just slower runners, but also these douchenozzles walkers, who, by the way, always walk in packs of no less than 6 and frequently like to link arms, which technically takes them past the designation "douchenozzle" and propels them into the realm of Teh Truly @$$holic. GET A FUCKING ROOM, DOUCHENOZZLESSLASH@$$HOLES!1! And I hope NONE of you gets to second base, you hand-holding luuuuzers!1!

And even though the T. Trot has been chip-timed since at least 2007, it wasn't till last year that they recorded your start time (as well as your end time) with the chip. Of course, it takes those of us lined up in the 8-minute pace area at least two minutes to get to the starting line, after which point you're still weaving your way through the walkers and slower runners, and will be for at least another half mile.

And so last year — which in reality was the fastest year for me — was, according to the clock, actually slower than the two previous years. But okay, when they FINALLY posted the chip times, I was two minutes faster than what the clock time alleged to be the case, so ... big fucking deal, right?

But here's the thing. Not much happens in this town. So our local rag prints the names of all the runners — like six thousand, last year — in the issue after the race because the Turkey Trot qualifies as news. But chip time was evidently still not available when the rag went to press (or they consider clock time to be the "official" time, which is probably more likely); and so there I was listed by name in our local rag with the slowest time I had ever posted in this race, and it was an embarrassingly slow time. (Shaving two minutes off it did not take it out of the realm of the embarrassing, though.)

So this year — fuck it — I'm lining up with the 4-minute milers.

This morning I did my last training run before the trot, 6.56 miles at a 8:54 pace, the last 2.5 miles of which were on the main part of the Turkey Trot course. I can't remember the last time I had a 6+ mile non-race run at a pace under 9 minutes. I wish I could attribute this pace to my being self-motivated  but I can't because I'm not.

What happened this morning was, at about the 6-mile point of my run, I got passed by this other runner — possibly a fellow geezer, but I can't be sure because it was both dark and foggy this morning — who, I suspect, was running the T. Trot course as training for the race on Thursday. (You see a lot of foax doing that this close to the race.) He began to pull away from me, which led me to pick my own pace up. But he still opened up about a block lead on me. But I kept his lead at a block because I was pretty much running all out for that last half mile or so.

Otherwise, I'm pretty sure my pace would have been >9 minutes.

It's supposed to rain on Thursday, Trot Day, which will truly suck.
It's just possible, though unlikely, that you remember that I ran a 5k race like a week-and-a-half ago. Even less likely ... that you care now, or did even then. You'll remember (or won't) and you'll care (pffftt!  as if) that I did not, at the time of my report, know the results of that race because I didn't hang around to learn what they were and, when I wrote my report, two days later, they still hadn't been posted.

Well, for some reason, I decided to check the HS's web site again today, because I'm nothing if not anal thorough. And, lo-and-behold, there they were, the results, in nominally downloadable format.

Indulge me as I now engage in a Micro$oft-bashing aside:

For some fucking reason known only to Voldemort Gates himself, M$'s latest version of the Office suite — which, like the past ten or so iterations of Office, offers nothing really new — adds an "x" to the various file extensions. As far as I can tell, this is the only "new" thing about Office. So a word doc's name in this new suite would now be "billgatesisanevilfucktard.docx" instead of "billgatesisanevilfucktard.doc". Earlier versions of Word cannot open the .docx files; earlier versions of Excel cannot open the .xlsx files. Moreover, Microsoft's own fucking retarded fucking browser, which used to be able to handle Word and Excel files, cannot display these four-character-extension files. (Nor can Firefox.) If you want that Word doc to open in the browser, you'd fucking well better convert it back into the three-character-extension format.

Now, I use a Mac at home and I have Office 2004, which is to say, the last version to use the three-character extensions. The HS douchebags decided to POST THE FUCKING RESULTS OF THE RACE in four-character-extension Excel. I had to fucking download TWO 50+-meg converters JUST TO OPEN A FILE THAT CONTAINED THE RUNNERS NAMES, TIMES, AND FINISHING PLACES AND NOTHING ELSE!1!

This school hasn't heard of PDFs?

Anyroad, my official time, which by now you couldn't POSSIBLY give a flying fart about:

27:59. (Remember, it was actually a 3.3-mile course, not a 5k, as if you care.)

I was 16th out of 98 runners. so I guess that Schmatterhorn-esque hill at the end killed more runners than just me.

I have no idea where I was in my age group because the results are just one big long list in a file that I had to wrestle open in hand to hand combat and somebody, PLEASE, if you see Bill Gates, KICK HIM HARD IN HIS TESTES SATCHEL!1!

But I can deduce that I was either the 11th or 10th dude overall because here are 6 of the first names before mine:

 Meagan, Anna, Erin, Antionette, Nikki, Justina. If all of them were chix, I was 10th. Erin, I reckon, could go either way. There was also a "Tyler", but I'm pretty sure that's a dude's name, albeit one who gets beat up a lot and deserves it with a name like that. No wonder he's fast. 

But if Tyler and Erin were chix? I was in the top 9.

Suck my dick, Bill Gates!


  1. If you shave your head and wear soft clingy shorts you'll add .006 to your speed.

  2. Just once, buck the system...camp out teh night before and stand ON the starting line...toe the line and run a great race...THEN, frame the newspaper clipping and show it to anyone and everyone...Maybe even scan a copy, save it to .pdf and publish it here...

  3. Turkey Trots bring out the amateurs, don't you think?! That's why you have to jog/walk in place to wait for an opening to dart through. I hate it. Come to think of it -- they're not just at Turkey Trots. They're everywhere. Don't get me started on race etiquette. I bet they're all wearing their brand new t-shirts during the race, too, right? Luuuuuuuuuuuuzers.

    So I started a new blog. Visit me over at http://bbsfavorites.wordpress.com/ every once in a while, OK?

    Happy Thanksgiving, GQH!

  4. RAIN??? Implying the liquid form of water? And you're complaining? Sheesh. Weenie. Check the current Calgary weather. Want to come running with me this am? Thought not.

    But I'm with you on the walkers. Bastards! Which part of keep right don't they understand? There are days I want to trample them underfoot. I propose that every race has a 5 K warmup loop that gets people to the actual, real start line in order of their speediness. Then the timed race begins. Of course the faster racers would be given permission to violently assault anyone trying to move up through the crowd waiting for the actual start.

    And docx files. Grrrr. Don't even get me started!

    And where is LuMu anyway? I'd have thought she'd have worked through all the various patterns to braid leg hair into by now, and would be back.

  5. "Erin could go either way." My kind of girl, if she brings a friend.

    About lining up with the 4 minute milers... this is one of my pet peeves. Many years ago, I was at a 10K where an 80 year old woman was put in the front row where I was not allowed to go. I told her to get back where she belongs or I'd just plow over her when the gun went off. Her response was that she was trying for the over-80 record and that being slowed down a few seconds at the start by being back with the other slow runners might cost her the record. So... just barely keeping from throttling her, I requested she get to the side of the road where she wouldn't be a hindrance. She gave me a dirty look. The gun went off, I pushed her to the side, where she stumbled (and did NOT fall and break a hip) and a bunch of people then called me names that aren't printable even here. It made the news as "another example of bad manners" and I was castigated in the press.

    She's dead now (Alzheimer's). I win.

  6. Wow, SteveQ. I kinda hope you're kidding, here.

    Or exaggerating.

  7. Sadly, no. But that was 25 years ago and I've mellowed (and not many people make it to 105). I haven't done that particular race since, though I have been assistant race director - I got to tell people where to line up!

  8. browsers won't display a file if you don't have the correct software to run it installed. try it, reformat your computer and don't install adobe. try opening a pdf in your browser and it'll freak out, too. so, it's not the browsers fault, it's that you don't have the correct software to interpret the file you're trying to view.

    that said, i hate the newer .net version of office, too.

  9. Somehow I think you would enjoy it too much if Bill Gates did actually suck your dick. Call it your thanksgiving turkey.

    Have a great holiday Glaven! Good luck in this year's trot.

  10. Jeez, dude. Even I won't let Bill Gates fellate me.

    That said, I have said some pretty awful things about his mother when I accidentally forget to save in compatible mode and I get 27 emails from students that can not open the fucking document.