Thursday, November 4, 2010

I've Got To Move With The Fashion Or Be Outcast

Pert-near every year, I let my hair grow pretty long1, thinking, despite all previous evidence to the contrary, that this time I'll have flowing locks that'll turn me into one of those of Long-Haired, Manly Hardbodies who shirtlessly adorn the cover of Romance novels, or, failing that, Bromance-With-Benefits novels, because I assume there are such things and that at some point in the near future SteveQ will compile a list of the best/worst of this genre on his blog, assuming he hasn't already.

It never quite works out that way ... for more reasons than just the hair, I should add.

Anyroad, Tuesday, when we were off for Erection Day, I figured I'd ask Teh 'Bride to give me a haircut because the hair had just gotten to the point where I looked like a muppet reject, kinda like this guy:
Only with a bigger penis, I suspect2.

You probably think I'm exaggerating, noob, but I'm not and I call you "noob" because if you think I exaggerate you obviously have never been to my blog before because if there's one thing I'm renowned for — and there isn't — it's my scrupulous honesty and lack of hyperbole3 and if you think otherwise YOU'RE WORSE THAN HITLER!1!

Anyroad, here's the ocular proof you require to see the validity of my comparing myself with that muppet, above:

Was I right, or was I right? 

A couple of notes: That pic is from like a month ago, when we went on a hayride at a local farm to get our Halloween pumpkin, so my hair was even longer when Teh 'Bride cut it yesterday.

Note Two: There was no fucking wind that day!1! That's just how my hair goes!1! My hair is stooopuder than Conan O'Brien's!1!

So back to the point of my pointless story: On Tuesday, I ax Teh 'Bride to cut my hair — because I won't trust it to anyone else and she always does a good job plus I don't have to pay her— which is an assignment she normally jumps at because she hates hair, especially mine when it is long. But she begs off because she doesn't feel well — and this is how I know she really doesn't feel well because she knows that I could change my mind about getting my hair cut at any moment, and I've done that in the past, and my usual way of telling her I want a haircut is to say, "You have 5 minutes to assemble your implements of mass follicular destruction before I change my mind."

And Teh 'Bride will drop whatever she has in her hands, up to and including a baby, to go get her stuff because she knows the window of opportunity could close at any second and she hates hair even more than she loves not dropping babies.

But on Tuesday, she said no.

But then yesterday, the hair was looking even more ridiculous than it had been on Tuesday, so after dinner last night, I broached the subject again, and Teh 'Bride, realizing she'd been granted a reprieve, pounced, even though we were due at a meeting in like a half hour.

But she got it done in time.

And now I look like this:

It is raining. I wanted to run this morning. Now I can't. Suck!

1 Yeah, that's right, still, even though I'm a geezer of 50. Pathetic, I know.

2 Although on the other hand, look at the size of that guy's nose (if you get my drift)! I bet he's a real hit with Teh Ladies! Man, I can't compete with that!

But then again, every time I try to post a comment at my own blog or someone else's? Blogger says, "It's too long!1!"2a. And I'm thinking, "How does blogger know so much about my penis? When I write my posts, I'm usually wearing pants; I'd estimate 90% of the time." (Not at the moment, though. Hey! Hey, Blogger!1! My EYES are up HERE!1!)

The good news is, Blogger always eventually accepts my long post (so to speak) after a few tries ... I just have to loosen it up first. So see, Ladies? It can be done. And it's soooo worth it.

2a FYI, Blogger: That's what she said!1!

3 Yes, slg, I know that's two things. I may be a science fucktard, but I can count!1!


  1. At least you have hair. But then once you get older (like me) you will mature and realize that time spent playing with your hair is time that could be spent doing other things. Things that pay real money, for example. My rule is when if I need a comb, what I really need is a haircut. Special occasions exempted.

    But wait! I know the urge to let hair grow. Once a week, I don't shave my face. How's that for Bohemian?

  2. Wondering if you fell asleep with pink foam curlers in your hair??? That hump at the top is pretty funny, I must say.

    You're wearing pants 90% of the time? Hmph, that's about 40% more often than I woulda thought.

  3. Hahahahaha. That was hilarious. I laughed out loud at this:

    "There was no fucking wind that day!1! That's just how my hair goes!"

    And I had no idea people in New Jersey had hair like that!

  4. My ponytail's now 12 inches long and the only reason I don't cut it off is that I can't find a haircut that works around all the new bald patches (insert photo of mangy dog), so I'm looking like George Carlin circa 1990. Didn't work for him either.

  5. I don't read bromance-with-benefits novels, I write them; I'm especially proud of my sequel to "Love Among the Appaloosas" called "Sex Horse." Wait. You did mean bestiality-bromance-with-benefits, didn't you?

  6. Cut your hair too short and you become Dr. Nic-ish. Is that "ish" redundant?

  7. Plus points for the Quadrophenia reference and video. Wave your freak flag high!

  8. Okay, I'm bored enough to be playing with Blogger Stats. I have one post that's had 863 pageviews since they started tracking in May. What's your highest total?

  9. 324 page views, which is almost exactly 3x the next most popular read. The title is "Stock at Large means only one thing." Explain that if you can.

  10. Re: the hair - I am leaning more toward either the Grinch or a Who

    That is a Who, from the Horton Hears a Who era, not a member of The Who. Don't get excited.

    No, seriously, don't get excited.

    Blogger is already slow enough without THAT distraction

    I did have one question... just how hard to you have to be going at it to create a "fucking wind"?

    That seems a bit overkill. Just saying.

  11. Funny, funny, funny stuff!!!!

  12. There is NOTHING wrong with Beaker! Take it back!

  13. The lack of traffic - and people - is a big part of the attraction of early morning running for me.

    My normal run time is also predawn, and I love it for those reasons. I OWN the streets at that hour!