Wednesday, November 24, 2010

You're A Good (Wo)Man, Charlie 'Bride

You may remember my mentioning a few posts ago that Ian chose, for his birthday, to go to the local Japanese Hibachi restaurant where part of the ritual humiliation is the chef's flinging cooked broccoli at you with his spatula, which broccoli you're supposed to try to catch in your mouth, a game that sprang up, I guess, because it's probably the only way to get otherwise sane people to put broccoli in their mouths.

But here's the thing:

It's only humiliating if:

a. You catch like a girl
2. You are susceptible to peer pressure.

Which, to put it another way, means that, as far as the H'berg family goes, it's humiliating only if you're Teh 'Bride because she embodies both of those qualities.

Because it was Ian, Teh 'Bride, Grandma (Teh 'B.'s mother), and myself at the restaurant; and Grandma, I suspect, catches more like a girl than Teh 'Bride, even, but when the chef tried to get her to participate, she politely, but firmly, declined, by telling him to go fuck himself1.

Ian and I, of course, caught our broccoli first try, which is a mixed blessing, because you can get all high-fivey, "Dude! GREAT catch!" about it, but also, when all is said and done, you end up with fucking broccoli in your mouth, which is massively ungroovy.

And so now it's Teh 'Bride's turn, and she's tying hard to decline, but someone, possibly me, is all, "Come on! You can do it! Think of the glory if, this time, Lucy doesn't pull that football away at the last moment! Think of how good it will be, you blockhead, if you finally catch that broccoli and can look the world in the face and say, 'I may be a girl, but FROM THIS DAY ON LET THE WORD GO FORTH: I NO LONGER CATCH LIKE ONE!1!'"

Spoiler Alert: Teh 'Bride still catches like a girl.

Because somehow, this blatantly nonsensical appeal worked and the chef flung a piece of broccoli at Teh 'Bride three times, and each one of them bounced off her face, nowhere near her mouth, and Reader? It was exactly as awesomely funny as you suspect. The highlight of the meal, in fact, as usual.

Anyroad, here's some more birthday/Ian-related stuff:

A post or two ago, I included a video of the stream in our backyard. Teh 'B., just last night during her quarterly review of this blog, read that post and pointed out that I managed somehow not to catch Ian's Teepee2 in that video — quite a feat, since it's right there (see above). And it's true: I missed it.

But ladies and gentlemen (and RBR) of the jury, in my defense I submit the image above: SEE how well that teepee blends in with its environment? When Teh 'Bride told me about it, I looked out our dining room window for it and could not see it! I managed not to see it while standing two feet away from it making that stupid stream video, too. What higher compliment could I pay it ... other than to point out how shapely — nay, pneumatic — it is3?

Ian got a pitchback for his birthday. He insisted it be "wrapped", so Teh 'B. improvised the "wrapping" above.

Here he is trying it out:

A few weeks ago, Teh 'Bride went to DC alone for the weekend to help a friend de-pile her house. Ian made the poster you see above to welcome her back — which seems to say "Welcome Home Mon", but, in his defense, I may have told him his Mom was in Jamaica because I thought it would be less traumatic.

And this is Ian after smoking his first Dubois. KIDDING!1! He had PLENTY of doobies before that one! No, really, this is the fireplace at Grandma's. It was roughly 75 degrees that day, but Ian insisted on starting a fire. Then ... he insisted on getting all college freshman "profound" about it.
1 It's okay, though, because she didn't say it in Japanese.

Also? She didn't say it.

2 Incidentally, that Teepee is made of branches and other crap that Mr. Y. cut down from various neighborhood yards and swept out on the street for the Borough Vacuum/Dump Truck to cart away. Ian recycled it to make a teepee because he's in fifth grade and they're studying Native American Cultures and he learned, evidently, that the Native Americans used every part of the garbage, not just its hide.

3 I should point out that the last "fort" Ian made was at his babysitter's this summer and he and the other kids made it out of a "fuzzy vine" material that oozed a substance that Ian got all over himself, even his face, and it was obviously poison something-or-other, because he looked like this for about 3 weeks:


  1. Teh 'Bride is a saint. I would perpetually torture you with broccoli-boarding (Dubya has nothing on me) for subjecting me to that.

    Aren't you glad you aren't married to me?

    Ian is, as ever, super adorable.

    Happy Turkey Day to the Heisenberg family.

  2. Broccoli isn't that bad ... esp when it's covered in CHEEEEZZZEEEE!!! Hey, how come there's no cheese in Japan??

    You say the ('scuse me ... teh) Bride helped a friend de-pile? Is this a hoarder type dealio? Should I look for her on A&E anytime soon?

    Happy Turkey Day :)

  3. No video of the broccoli flinging? Or Teh Grandma refusing? That would all be gold! But then, you being a smart dood and all, know what proctology costs, and how unlikely you'd want to use the video camera afterward, even if it was still functional.

  4. Ok, the Grandma saying fuck off part made me snort coffee out my nose. I will totally be that grandma (Don't worry, Bride, I know your mother did not say that)

    Holy crap! That pitchback is SERIOUS. That ball comes rocketing off that damn thing.