Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Little Douche Coupe

I should no doubt have my English Major's License to Engage in Critical Exegesis revoked because, in preparation for my stated Year 2011 Goal of Reading ALL of Shakespeare's plays, I just checked the Riverside Shakespeare out of my library and I did that because I had to check it out and the reason for that is I couldn't find my own copy and it goes without saying (or, in this case, goes with saying) that when you've become such a Bad ex-English Major that you can't find your own Teh Compleat Shxpr text, well, then, your license to Get All Hermeneutical Up In Here is automatically revoked, or should be. Of course, my license won't be revoked because when you begin a blog post with a sentence like that previous one you just read, I think you've pretty much proved you're still douchebag enough to qualify as a fully-licensed Ex-English Major.

And anyway, it's not my fault that I can't find my Compleat Shxpr; I'm too much of a gentleman to say exactly whose fault it is, so I'll just give you a hint by saying I'm married to her and her first name is "Teh" and the rest of her name starts with an apostrophe, but after that, you'll get no more out of me as to her Secret Identity.

So, anyroad, Teh '[redacted] decided, quite some time ago, that all the books from my daze as an English Major that I had on the bookshelf that had already been fucking relegated to our BASEMENT for fuck's sake were Offensive In Her Sight and she began to pack them away in these Blue Plastic Storage Tubs that look like this:
And these tubs are now stored in the garage and every year she says, "The Library is having their yearly Book Sale in the Armory. Do you want me to give them those tubs of books in the garage?" And I'm always like, "Fuck, no!"

Because in one of those tubs is my Shakespeare and my Chaucer and my Faulkner etc. But God knows which one.

Upshot: I'm reduced to getting my Shakespeare out of the public library now, like some common ... patron.

Tomorrow here on Adventures of an Ex-English Major Ass-Chapeau: A post reviewing Jonathan Franzen's Freedom without using the crutch- and/or catchphrases Dysfunctional Family, Social Realist Novel, Midwestern, or Oprah Asslick. Just to prove I really still am douche enough to keep my license.

Hahahahaha! Just kidding! It's not a competent review of a Jonathan Franzen novel unless it includes all of those crutch- and catchphrases!


  1. My college books are all Fluid Mechanics, Endocrinology, CRC Handbook of Chemistry and Physics, Chemical Engineer's Handbook, etc. They have their shelf right beneath the 1950's World Book Encyclopedias, 1973 Guinness Book of World Records and 1914 Principles of Aviation.

    I throw away no book. I've tossed more than one woman who'd relegate the books to the dustbin, however, to the curb.

  2. Hermeneutical - WTF??? You made that word up. But then I googled it (I can't resist the bait) and it's an actuall effin word??

    So did you see Franzen on Oprah or what? He totally sold out. Almost as much of a sell out as Darius Rucker when he dressed up in a purple cowboy outfit and sang the Burger King song about ranch chicken.

    It's on You Tube if you want to see it. Seriously - you should watch it. It's pretty damn funny.

  3. Beth, there are more words in the English language than are dreamt of in your philosophy. I've been amazed at some of them. GQH, which play are you starting with?

  4. @ Beth - I in fact did not see Franzen on Oprah, even though I wanted to, because I figured Teh 'Bride would TiVo it because she usually TiVos Oprah - at least when O. has pop-culture fee-noms on, like the Teh Man Who Was Born With Two Breasts, A Vagina, And No Penis But Yet Still Insists He's A Man.

    Those she TiVos.

    But Franzen?

    Not so much.

    Uh ... isn't calling Darius Rucker a sell out like calling Vanilla Ice or Bobby Sherman a sell out?

    @ Keef - play #1 in Teh Riverside is The Comedy of Errors, which I've never read nor seen performed. I'll start there.

    ... at some point.

  5. I actually saw the episode of Teh Man Who Was Born With Two Breasts, A Vagina, And No Penis But Yet Still Insists He's A Man. He had a baby.

    Yes, calling Darius Rucker a sellout is too easy, but watching the You Tube video of him in a purple cowboy suit and singing about french fry highways is priceless.

  6. You never become an "ex-English major." You're a recovering English major, much like a recovering alcoholic. Much like myself, the geology major...even though I don't practice geology, I will always have rocks in my blood.

  7. The Comedy of Errors is charming. It's the only real farce that Shakespeare did. Reading it, it seems at times hackneyed and obvious, but that's because we've seen a million imitations before the original (well, the whole mistaken identity thing was thousands of years old, but, you know what I mean).

  8. I'm not sure that anyone has ever considered you to be anything less than a douchebag. Good luck with the shakes; that's an ambitious goal.

  9. i didn't tivo that oprah. i didn't want to take up the necessary/allotted freak-show space.
    books - yours AND mine - were put into tubs many years ago when we (royal we) started to paint the basement. and I (me/myself/i) bought that gigantic shakey book that is still in r house *somewhere* 4 u! i'll find it and wrap it up for kwanzaa
    love, teh bride

  10. I keep thinking "little douche coupe" is a fancy cooking term that people use on thebestestshowofalltime Top Chef.