Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Out In Teh Street

The last time I rode my pussy-@$$ recumbent exercise bike was May 27, which I noted soon after in this post. After that ride, apparently, I noticed that the bike was all wobbly when I rode and it finally occurred to me to have a closer look at its structural integrity, which turned out not to be as structurally integral as I had hoped it would be; or, to put it another way, the bike was in dire need of some welding. So I did what I always do in these situations: I rained colorful imprecations down upon it — e.g., You suck! and What the fuck? This thing is only like a year-and-a-half old! and You pussy-@$$ recumbent piece of crap! You're a disgrace to pussy-@$$ recumbency, which is really saying something, what with pussy-@$$ recumbency being pretty lamely disgraceful to begin with and all! and then I promptly went about doing nothing in the way of having it fixed because ... I guess I was trying to teach it a lesson of some sort? The moral of which is lost even to me.

Months and months later, I took it to Kruger Industrial Smoothing, which is my pet name for Art's Welding, because Kruger Industrial Smoothing is an easier name for me to remember because it's one of the do-nothing companies that George Costanza worked for on Seinfeld; but at first, I, for some reason, thought its name was Creamer Industrial Smoothing, and I kept calling it that, but then, when I went to write a post about how I call Art's Welding Creamer Industrial Smoothing because I'm so fucking clever, I figured I better look up the name of that Seinfeld company in case I was getting it wrong (I don't watch Seinfeld reruns, so I was going on faulty decade+ memories), which, turns out, I was — getting the name wrong, that is — which I mentioned already above; and it's one thing to get a name wrong on purpose — viz., Kruger Smoothing for Art's Welding, which is just ever so fucking clever — and another to get it wrong by accident — viz. Creamer Smoothing for Kruger Smoothing, which is nearly as lame as pussy-@$$ recumbency.


Now when we finally brought the stupid thing to Art, who is the titular "Art" of the company's name — viz. "Kruger Industrial Smoothing" — he was a bit dubious about whether or not the bike could be successfully welded. He was all, "We may take it apart and see it's so bad it's not worth fixing. What is the most you want to spend?" So we gave him a Rainman-esque figure, viz. "'bout a hunnert dollars", and he said he'd call us back next day.

And he never did.

So naturally we waited like a couple of weeks to go back down to Kruger Smoothing to see what was up. (You can't call Art because Art never answers his phone.)

And he was like, "You know, there are wires in there that connect the various sensors to the display and the welding might get so hot it'll melt them and you'll have no working sensors." And I was like "RBR" — i.e., "Whatevs." Because all I wanted at this point was something pussy-@$$ed and recumbent that I could ride ... HARD!1!

And so yesterday it was ready (to be accurate: who knows how long it was ready? I went to pick it up yesterday)  and now I have it back and everything works on it. Sensors and all. I rode 1 full pussy-@$$ recumbent mile on it to test it. The first bike mile I've done since May 27.

All-in-all, it took nearly 7 months and sixty dollars to fix this. So I was right to call the place Kruger Industrial Smoothing.

This morning, out in the street (where it was frigging cold and about to snow), I did 6.51 miles in 57:18 for a  6.8 mph pace, and an 8:48 average. I have not run that far that fast in quite some time. Evidently, I need the motivation of potentially freezing my n*ts@ck off to reach my full potential speed-wise.


  1. It's damn cold AND windy over here. I thought the cold would've made me run faster, but no such luck. It just made me miserable.

    About daggone time you got poor Morrissey fixed. What was the sense in have him anymore useless than he already was?

  2. Apparently, it's not officially cold until someone in a news department in NYC puts on a scarf. -30 windchills here (worse up north), roof-collapsing snow and houses burning because the fire department can't get to the locations and the hydrants are frozen.

    As to the recumbent bike... there's only one exercise worth doing recumbent. It's not biking.

  3. Holy shnikey = look who's here ... JoyRun. I thought that girl had fallen into a hole.

    2nd: Is the Art you are referring to Art Vandelay or did Art Vandelay work on manzierres? I'm not a Seinfeld reference expert.

    I think $60 is a deal. 7 months is ridic, but $60 is a deal.

  4. BWWWAAHAHAHAHA!!!!! 220 TriLog for teh iPhone! riiggghhhtttt!

    I'm sorry, I had something witty to post about Morrissey, but "Triathlete23" distracted me.....

  5. It appears that "TRiathlete23" is making the rounds......
    Love SteveQ's comment in regards to "recumbent", I can't top that, so I'll just leave now....
    Here's to riding "hard".......

  6. Morrissey is back!

    When talking about riding a bike INDOORS (*eyeroll*) I do not think it is the recumbancy that makes it 'pussy-ass'. I am just saying.