Friday, December 31, 2010

Year-End Round-Up Posts Are Notoriously Lame Part 1

[Prologue: You have two clear choices, here: You can either read this whole post, below, or you can glance at this here graphic:
Which latter, I promise you, makes the same essential point as all 10,000,000,000 of the words below. If you are very smart, that graphic might also lead you to deduce the basic structure of the benzene molecule. If you are super-duper smart, it will remind you that deducing that structure on your own is kinda pointless because Friedrich August Kekulé beat you to the punch like a century-and-a-half-ago and so maybe you foax should just shake your clenched fists at the heavens and scream, Kirk-like, "Kekuuuuuuuléééééééééééééé!!!!" whilst staring at the following picture:


Maybe this graphic will remind you that, next time you dream, you should dream about something that will reveal unto you the structure of an as-yet-unknown molecule instead of dreaming about having a threesome with Snooki and Sarah Palin who, in your dream, also have something in their mouths, but it ain't a snake's tail (unless you mean that figuratively).]

Yes, they1 are lame. But I'm so Awesome I can take the hit that inevitably accompanies uploading such a post. I have awesome in overplus.

The reason I think Y-E R-U Posts (or YERU Posts) are lame is ... I can't really remember what significant things happened to me during the year. I mean, I guess I could go back and read some of my own posts from the past year to see what I thought newsworthy at the time, but fuuuuuuck that! Have you seen them? They go on and on and never seem to get to the point even on the rare occasions when they have one! Case in point right here — and you would think that "right here" back there would be a link to an example post, wouldn't you, but it's not because it doesn't need to be because the "right here" that I'm referring to is this very post right here, this one that you are now reading and that is vaguely pissing you off with its pointlessly labyrinthine circularity. Because this is supposed to be a YERU Post but, so far, it's a meta-YERU Post, going on and on about what a YERU Post is supposed to do but, infuriatingly, not doing it. Worse still, it stops doing even that and becomes a post about itself though itself is not yet about anything.  And you're sitting there, impatiently drumming your fingers on your desktop as you read this and getting more and more pissed at the arch, self-referential meta-ness of it all and you're thinking, Is this a blog post or a badly-translated lost work of fucking Borges or something? And even that is a lie, because, unless you're SteveQ, that Borges comparison probably didn't occur to you. For example: If you're RBR, you're more likely thinking: Why the FUCK am I reading this when I could be eating snickerdoodles instead? WAIT! I COULD be doing both because I can multi-task like that! And then, multi-taskingly (because you're still RBR here; I haven't released you from my spell yet), you think: That last thought just gave me a bit of a stiffy — and you think that because, as RBR, you secretly have a penis2.

For those of you who patiently waded through that confusingly insular and hermetic pomo-ish garbage above, here comes your reward because now this post is going to lurch bathetically into a more demotic and denotative style of language and by "now" I mean "starting with the next sentence" because this one is still pretty self-referential.

So here are some highlights from 2010, in no particular order:

I managed to run a grand total of 1116.6 miles. I am happy about this because my original goal was to run 1000 miles while secretly hoping I would manage to average 100 miles a month and thus run 1200 for the year. I got pretty close to that secret goal (and now 1200 miles running can become my stated goal for 2011). My overall running mileage for this year makes me content because I thought I would only be able to run that many miles if I managed not to hurt myself. Well, I managed not to hurt myself in a way that kept me from running, but I did injure myself this year in a way that was far more painful than any tendinitis I ever had was. The dislocated shoulder happened because I was a fucktard and if you want to know in what particular way I was a fucktard you'll have to follow that link you just zipped by a sentence back and read about it there because I'm not re-telling the story here.

That injury happened two days before May 15, 2010, the day on which

I turned 50 years old and officially entered my geezerdom. I've been calling myself a geezer for some time now, but I've actually been one for just over a half a year. It probably would have been more age-appropriate of me to break my hip in anticipation of this big day, but I decided, instead, to go with the "young man's stereotypical injury" — the dislocated shoulder. I like to think young.

I PR'd in the following distances:
  • 5k (23:53 in early April at the D&R Canal Watch 5k) This was the third time I'd run this fucker and I had been Mr. Consistent in it the two previous times, posting a 26:45 one year and then a 26:46 the next. I don't know where this 23:53 came from. I suspect, as always, my n*ts@ck.
  • 15k (1:22:31 in late April Clinton 15k Race) This was a gimme because 'twere my first 15k 4EVAH but I was happy with this time because it represented a 8:51 pace, which is way better than I expected to do.
  • 10k (55:01 on July 4 at the Revolutionary Run in Washington Crossing, PA) This was the second time I ran that race and I thought I had run it in 54:xx the previous year but turns out? Ran it in 55:14. So I didn't even realize I'd PR'd till I got home. And had already drunk a 4-pack of barley wine. This was also an 8:51 pace, and something tells me I still have a 10k PR left in me because, if you recall, I did an 8:51 pace in that fucking 15K so I should, on a good day, be able to better that, right? I mean, it stands to reason; which is another way of saying it will never happen.
  • 5 miles (42:45 in August at the creatively-named Three Bridges 5-Miler) It really is a creative name because the The Fucking Three Bridges 5-Miler is actually 5.05 miles long. Fucking jag-off fireman sponsors! What's your first response to that!?!? Hahahahaha! Plus, that bitch was hilly! I mean really hilly! But if I never run any other race again, I will run that one because it is the first race I ran that had (can you guess what? Hint: The race was sponsored by firemen, and started and ended at their firehouse) FREE BEER at the end! Which I drank like FIVE pitchers of at 10:30 in the morning! My pace was 8:33, which further strengthens my belief that I should be able to run a 10k at a sub-8:51 pace. But, again, I don't think it'll ever happen now that I'm a geezer.
  • Um, this is embarrassing. I totally forgot that on October 2, I ran a second 10k this year, The Hopewell Challenge. I had heard it was a really hilly course, which it was, and I didn't expect to do very well and then ... I actually managed to PR again. With a time of 53:38, which is a 8:35 pace. Hahahahaha! What a douche-satchel I am! I can't believe I forgot this! So I PR'd twice this year in the 10k distance, which is exactly two more times than I expected to. So now I've got NOTHING to look forward to, running-wise, in 2011 unless I find some weird-distanced races, like an 8k or something, because there's no way I'll ever run a 10k faster than that. I'm not sure where that speed came from. Again, I'm looking at you, n*ts@ck!3 
  • 3.33 miles (27:59 on November 14 at Voorhees State Park in a race that was supposed to be a 5k trail race) Yeah, but here's the thing: It was not 5k! They even admitted it! It was at least two-tenths of a mile longer, so fuck it! This counts as a FUCKING PR in that stupid-ass, phony distance because the fucking course ended with a 3-tenths-of-a-mile ascent that was like running up Teh Fucking Schmatterhorne, and even though I know most of you weren't reading me three blogs ago and thus have no idea what Teh Schmatterhorne is, still, FUCK IT, take my word for it, I earned the right to call this a FUCKING PR!1! You may think that 27:59 is a slow pace, which it is, but to give you some context — it was fast enough to make me 16th in a field of 98 in that race, so that gives you a bit of an idea about the nature of the course. There were rumors that some runners fell, people! In a race! FELL!1! That never happens! QED. And once again, I'd like to take a moment to give a shoutout to my favorite n*ts@ck, compared to which all other n*ts@cks are just ugly flaps of wrinkled and hairy pouch-shaped skin, and I'm talking here, of course, about my n*ts@ck, whence springs all my running power. I assume.
Other Running Highlights: There's really only one other and it doesn't involve a PR, but it does involve a course PR so that's good enough for me. I have run my little town's Turkey Trot for the past 4 years. The 2007 Turkey trot is the first race I ever ran in my life. Up until this year, my times (clock times) have gotten progressively worse with each year. In 2010, I resolved to reverse that trend, and I did. My clock time was 26:12, which is nearly a minute and a half faster than my previous fast time of 27:34 in 2007. This year, though, they had a starting mat for the chips and my chip time was 24:54. That was in a crowded field of nearly 4000 runners, in which people who were fucking walking lined up in the 5-minute mile area and slowed everyone down. Those people are worse than Hitler.

Other Numbers: My total mileage for 2010: 1860.65. So that represents 744.05 miles (1860.65 minus 1116.6, for you math geeks) of "otherness" ... mostly lunchtime walking at work because Morrissey, my pussy-@$$ recumbent exercise bike, spent most of 2010 sidelined with a pussy-@$$ injury which was fixed only this month. Next year, I have to set up my spreadsheet to record walking and riding miles separately.

I have A LOT more to say about 2010, so consider this post to be merely Part ONE of Jebus Knows How Many Parts Ultimately.
1 "They", here, refers to "Year-End Round-Up Posts", which was more obvious before I interposed that stupid graphic-heavy and prolix Prologue between this post's title and it's first sentence proper.

2 Perhaps my first New Year's Resolution should be to stop spreading the rumor that RBR has a penis. Accordingly, I hereby resolve that: 2011 will be Teh Year Of RBR's Vagina!1! (Sorry, SteveQ! Your vagina will have to wait till 2012, when I predict it will defeat Obama in the Democratic Preznitdenchul primary because the Dems always elect the Biggest Pussy, whereas the Republicans typically go with the Biggest Dick (and not in the good sense).)

3 But then, when am I not?


  1. You can't claim geezer status just because you're 50. Geezers aren't necessarily old, and not all old people are geezers.

    I've had some stuff swirling around for a year end blog, because I do that every now and then, and the stunning force of your argument that year end posts are lame means NOTHING to me. I'm going to do it anyway. pffft!

    Hang tight, I just need to pour another glass of wine.

  2. lost me at having a 3 some with Sarah Palin and Snooki....*shudder*

    Congrats on the all the great PRs this year. Cheers to 2011!

  3. The foot to the ground running this year was nothing in comparison to the hilarious ideas running around in your brain as evidenced by the first section of this post.

  4. Is it...a benzene RING? Am I right? I didn't take organic chemistry in grad school for nuthin', you know!

    And, all scientists are sexy. Duh.

  5. You know when year end wrap ups are not lame? When they are written by smart, funny, people that love their families and are very good to their friends.

    Congratulations on a very successful running year (even if this was the year that you left 'faster than me, but ok' and forged headlong into 'too fast to relate to his race reports, but at least he is still funny') and a even more successful year as a father, husband, son, brother, and friend. Thank you for sharing your humor and thoughts with us.

    (Now, don't you feel like an asshole for saying I have a penis? Of course, you contradicted yourself, you mentioned my knack for multitasking. Everyone knows that the possession of a penis precludes the ability to multitask. Check and mate! 2010 goes to RBR! *Snoopy victory dance*)

  6. Okay, excuse me while I focus on minutiae. Thanks for teaching me the word bathetically. It brought me into the whole world of learning about the concept of βάθος. If you're wondering what that it, it's bathos. :).

    #2. I simply can't believe you calculated the number of miles you ran last year down to the tenth of a mile. I mean, come on! Did you never run across the yard, or to catch a flight or a ball? Or were those included? You know I'm just giving you a hard time.

    I AM impressed with the PRs, too. It's good to look back on the year and be proud or be ashamed. I perhaps am just not mature enough to do it :(.

  7. How did I miss your birthday, Glaven? Damn. Happy birthday old man. You really are an old geezer.

    Congrats on the mileage and your running PRs, but even more importantly congrats on setting a new PR for the most references to your n*ts@ck in one blog.

    And finally, thank you for teaching me a new word today. And no, I'm not talking about the word bathetically - I'm talking about douche satchel.

    Here's how I'll use it in a sentence: Stephen Garcia played like a giant douche satchel in last night's Chick Fil A bowl.

    Happy New Year :)

  8. So, all I learned is that Kekule has an accent mark, that your total mileage for the year is only 10 fewer than mine (though mine were all run or "that thing you do when you can't run but don't want to admit you've slowed to a walk") and that you've read some, but obviously not all of Borges' ouevre.

    That's 3 more things than I learned from anyone else's blog all year.

  9. Well all year 2011, so far, that is.

  10. I think I've been on this page a dozen times & keep not commenting for some reason.

    You know - that virtual triathlon is also a biathlon. Imagine the sweet satisfaction from riding Morrissey 112 miles in one month. You don't have to even ride him hard - it would just be about quantity.