Friday, January 21, 2011

Celebrating Charles Dudley Warner

As I begin to write this here post at a little past 4:00 a.m., I realize that I am about to Celebrate Charles Dudley Warner, who, despite what you may have heard, is almost certainly the source of the quote, "Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody ever does anything about it1."

Because I am about to talk about our local weather while intending to do fuck-all about it!1!

It is snowing here in mid-Northish Joisey, which means that Ian's school will almost certainly have a late opening or be closed altogether. Which means either Teh 'Bride or I will have to stay home with him. I hope it's a delayed opening, because then I could stay home with him till his school opens, then drive to work when the roads, in theory, will be clearer and there will be fewer foax on them, to boot2.

[5:10 Update: The robo-call just came. Verdict: Schools are closed.]

But here's the thing: Because it is snowing yet again, I will, yet again, be unable to run this morning, which means more time spent riding Morrissey, my p*ssy-@$$ recumbent exercise bike. Look, I'm all for giving it to Morrissey — HARD!1! — (and God knows he's into it) but, really, all this Morrissey-riding is starting to put the dick in ridickulous because, as a dude, I am genetically predisposed to seek out different forms of exercise. It's a "fact"3. Look, it's not that I don "love" Morrissey in my own way, but he gets boring after a while and sometimes? I just want to get the whole experience with him over with as quickly as possible.


I said it.

If that makes me a horrible person and a selfish exerciser, so be it. I don't intend to change now, at this advanced age.

Yesterday, I was able to get in a 6.86-mile run at a 9:24 pace. This is pretty bad, even though it was dark and there were still patches of snow and ice to avoid and I can conveniently blame my slowness on that. But it has been a looooong time since I have been able to run 7 miles at a sub-9-minute pace. Okay, so maybe expecting to be able to do that in winter conditions is expecting too much. But a nice compensation for the slowness would be having the opportunity to log more miles with additional runs.

But that ain't happening so far.

I guess I should just be happy that my old, dependable whoo-wer of a recumbent exercise bike is around for me to take this frustration out on.

Because he likes it rough. And I'm in the mood to give it to him that way: HARD!1!

1 Yeah, everybody "knows" it was Mark Twain, but there's like zero evidence for that. For the longest time, the earliest known instance of this quote was from Teh Hartford Courant of Connecticut dated August 27, 1897, in an editorial almost certainly written by Warner in which he foolishly said:
A well known American writer said once that, while everybody talked about the weather, nobody seemed to do anything about it
 ... evidently believing that his readers would know that the "well known American writer" he was referring to was he himself. Fucktard. Because who the fuck is Charles Dudley Warner and why would anyone attribute anything to him other than Honorary Wienerhood for having such a Wiener name? Little did CDW know that there is a Quotation Equation in every red-blooded American's mind that goes: "Words + Funny + Pithy + Quotable = Source: Mark Twain" which kicks in in the absence of any overt attribution for any Amusing Quote. (In much the same way that "Words + Blatant Factual Inaccuracies + Vague-to-Overt Racism + Wingnut Slant = Source: Faux News/Rush Limbaugh" kicks in, too, in the absence of attribution; but that latter formula has the saving grace of giving you a better chance of getting at the truth than the former does.)

Anyroad, some intrepid quote-investigating soul evidently traced that saying back to a couple of even earlier dates and found it being overtly attributed to Warner. So the issue of the true source is pretty much settled. Yet as we all know, it will continue to be attributed to Twain based on the above formula. Which is perhaps his compensation for having his masterpiece bowdlerized. Again.

When, O, when will We as a Nation learn that only Rush should be allowed to get away with using racially-charged epithets?

2 Because when there are a lot of people on the road? I like to boot them.

And if you're wondering why I should be the one who gets the benefit of the later, theoretically clearer, commute instead of Teh 'Bride, here's why:

Teh 'Bride's commute: Three miles.

Mine: Twenty-four.

Say it with me, my 7 regular readers: "Mine's Bigger."

3 Propz to Rush and Faux News, who own the copyright on "facts", and who have generously allowed me to use that term to describe assertions that I would otherwise have to characterize as "blatant mendacities" (without the quotation marks).


  1. Sorry...I couldn't get past the D-Bag "Ed Hardy" style font in the header....I noticed the peace sign yesterday and thought, cool - maybe Ian is showing his creative side, dabbling a little in some pencil drawing...but now today, with the new header- I just don't know G....

  2. I vanish for a few days and you change your header and what else? Omg ... what the eff else have you been doing?

    I heard about robo-calling the other day and thought it was a joke. Did you robo-call them back??????? (did you hear about that guy?)

    What have I missed?? How's your hand?

  3. I just crossed paths with this stunning dissertation title and would like to share:

    "Historical development and present legal status of the office of secretary of the Board of Education in New Jersey."

    Yes, people will write about ANYTHING. Doesn't this sound fascinating?

  4. Sooo much snow in Joisey while teh joyFam was enjoying a lovely phenomenal 2 weeks close to the equator. How close?

    8 degrees north. Made for excellent sunny conditions. The running suffered. A LOT. So I'll be joining a few foax out here in the quest to lose weight.

  5. Damned snow. Does that Ian EVER go to school? You should probably just quit your library gig and homeschool the boy. You could teach him all about Shakespeare, and he'd meet the music requirement by feigning interest in Teh Beatles.He could meet the PE requirement by running with you and for math he could add up all your mileage. Surely that's more than those overpaid underworked New Joisey teachers are doing for him.

  6. Did you know that Rush was formed in 1968? I had no idea they'd been making music for that long. I also had no idea that they were entitled to use epithets, but I suppose being musicians they must consider it artistic license.

  7. Hey, if you're changing the blog around, perhaps a new name is called for as well. "Let's Do It Bloggy Style" or "Suck On This Post" sound appropriate.

    If you think the weather's bad, wait a couple of days. You get what we get a couple days later and we're getting hit hard.

  8. btw, I doubt the quip originated with either Warner or Twain. The race was to be the first to whom a commonplace was to be attributed. The 20th century's version was the routines of Abbott and Costello, which were done by vaudevillians, but not widely known until they committed them to film and then became "Abbott and Costello routines."

  9. My sources tell me not all is well at Casa Heisenberg. Hope things get better soon or you just might have to hear from me via email.

    btw, just heard Gladys Horton of the Marvelletes passed away.

  10. oh, and your two missing comments on my blog somehow got flagged as spam. They're published now.

  11. G- I'm so sorry to hear the news. The Heisen-clan will be in our thoughts. Be with your family, we will be here with open arms upon your return.

  12. G, my heart goes out to you and your family. I can't even fathom what you all must be enduring right now. Just know you have my love and support.

  13. G, you are in my thoughts and prayers. Condolences from the Needle clan.

  14. Really sorry to hear the news, Glaven.

  15. Geez. I'm a little slow with anything not related to Shakspr. Much sympathy and condolences.

  16. hey man, no posts for a while? hope everything's ok.

    The snow will melt eventually. it was 70 degrees here yesterday. yankee bitches.