Friday, January 14, 2011


As usual, I woke up waaaaay too early this morning — as should be immediately evident to you by the fact that this post has a 5:30ish a.m. time stamp and I have already done my hour-long run this morning — and so I was ready to run before 4:30 a.m. In one sense this is good because I get the run over with quickly; in another sense, it sucks hairy goat balls because it's winter in New Joisey and do you have any idea what the temperature is at 4:30 a.m. in mid-northish Joisey in winter? I'll tell you what the temperature is: it's 7 degrees — and a whole 10 degrees by the time I returned at 5:30. (What I won't tell you is how I know what it's like to suck hairy goat balls; a boy has to keep some sense of mystery about his life.)

To put this morning's temperature in terms that may be more meaningful to you: When I got back from my run I immediately came down here to the Macintosh and pulled up the raunchiest Intertubal porn I could find and after staring at it for a full minute, for the first time in my life in such a situation, the stiffest part of my body was not located below the waist! Hahahahaha! It's funny because I'm frostbit!

But I've been pussificatorily putting runs off lately because of the weather — snow; ice; sky like unto blood and the moon as if sackcloth — and so when I came down here, looked up the weather, and saw it was 7 degrees out, I was tempted to bag yet another run. But then I thought to myself, "You know, it's a slippery slope once you accept temperature alone as a valid reason not to run. I mean, what's next? Omens? 'I saw a black cat!' Oooooo! Better not run! When it gets to that point, are you really a man anymore? You might as well hang up you n*ts@ck!"

Like all good If-we allow-this-what-would-be-next? arguments — e.g., "If we let dudes marry dudes, what's next? Allowing dudes to marry chickens?" (I don't know about you, but I don't want dudes marrying chickens in my state1! Therefore, NO GAY MARRIAGE, you proto-chicken-fuckers!1!) — this argument swayed me. It was entirely convincing in its irrelevance, so I dutifully mapped out a 6.32-mile run and I was out the door.

But here's the thing: Running in 7-degree weather sucks hairy goat balls, as mentioned above, but I reiterate this fact here because, above, I forget to mention that sucking hairy goat balls is also legal in the Carolinas, and not just for other goats, if you get my drift2. Because it was so cold out, it took like twice as long for me to be able to feel my fingers despite my time-tested warm-up technique of frenetically-paced and repeated clenching-and-unclenching-of-my-fists. (I was wearing gloves, of course, but in this weather? Pffftt! Might just as well not be.) I was sure I was gonna lose a pinky or two. (I have three.)

But warm up they did, at around the 3-mile mark, so there went that excuse for aborting the run early.

Then I started in with the negotiations: Look, if I stop the run after 4 miles, I swear, when I get home, I'll ride Morrissey for FIVE MORE miles! That's gotta be worth 2.32 running miles!

But you know what? That's just the terrorist in me talking and I don't negotiate with terrorists. "Let me return home now and I promise not to let your pinkies get frostbite and fall off!" "NO DEAL!" "Okay, how about your dick?" "Okay. Home it is, then."

Hahahahahaha!1! Just kidding! My penis was never in any actual danger, Ladies, because for Xmas I got these boxer briefs that are really great at keeping the ol' junk up close to my core where it — the junk — stays relatively warm. Plus? The codpiece really shows off my junk to nice effect. I mean, I never really needed any help in that area? But these boxer briefs really give you an idea of what you'd be dealing with. And Ladies? I don't blame you for being a little bit frightened.
 Junk-flattering boxer-briefs (full disclosure: mine's bigger)

Anyroad ($ir Paul just got a royalty cheque for 5 pounds!), I finished my run and survived.

6.32 miles in 59:18 for a 9:24 pace and 6.4 mph. In cold, icy conditions? I'll take that.

 1 Don't worry, Cletus. I don't care if you Carolinians continue to marry your chickens. You fought and lost the Wah of Nawthun Aggresshun for that right, so go to it1a!

1a See? I told you, Sarah (D-MI), that your request that I stop taunting Cletus was denied! I hope that is now clear to you.

2 In fact? It is illegal for a dude-goat to suck another dude-goat's hairy balls because THAT WOULD BE TOTALLY GAY!1!


  1. What a GREAT way to start my day! Pictures and all!!
    Just a suggestion for the hands......I put a pack of those hand warmers in my gloves and shoes on those really cold days. Keeps all the digits (those on your hands and feet) nice and warm!
    Nice job not being a pu**y and getting out there to run!

  2. I knew I was in trouble when I saw the title of this post pop up in my Google Reader as "Stiffness." That word and GQH can mean only one thing: all penis jokes, all the time.

    I stand by my real-life-based assessment of Carolina "Cletus" John as a decidedly non-"Cletus"-y person. So go ahead and poke fun...I know the truth!

    However, if you have good reading comprehension skillz you might notice that I took a jab at CJ yesterday at the end of my post.

  3. Isn't it much easier to say 10 K? Come on, of course it is. Hmmm, actually just did the math on a calculator and not in my head, so you ran 10.17 K. Good run! I'm glad you realized the irrelevance of the slippery slope and went for a run, but hope you thought about slippery slopes and ran carefully to avoid further injury and worse, abuse from Teh Bride about it.

    And you talk like 7 F (-14 C) is cold. Maybe for you it is.

  4. 7F is cold (it's also my military classification: in case of war, I guard the goats from the 7G's).

  5. Now I can't get your packaged junk out of my head. And this is the thanks I get for finally giving you a popener.

  6. Loved the limerick, hated the junk visual.


    (lil sis can't sign in again...UGH!)

  7. I've tried a couple of things to get the pictures posted. They're in emails from my brother, so I used the Blogger shortcut (under "Settings", then "email and Mobile"), but while they carry the attachments (in jpg format), the pictures won't publish. Second, as the photos are in the body of the emails, I did a text cut and paste to put them into drafts, where they appeared, showed up in previews and then showed up on the actual post - but only one at a time, and only temporarily. Both methods work for emails from anyone except my brother, so perhaps its some aol security thing on his end.