Friday, March 11, 2011

Broken Popener; Or, EFFIN XENIA!1!

Yeah, EFFIN1 XENIA!1! Last night? In celebration of Ian's Gotcha Day? I go to open a bottle of ESB I brewed — which had been conditioning for only 5 days, really too early to drink by at least a week, but I wanted to see how it turned out — with Teh Effin Popener that Effin Xenia gave me and guess what?

Here's what:

I debated internally going with writing 1000 words about what happened to Teh Popener, but in the end, I decided, No — go with the picture. See? Twittering has made me far more concise! That there above, for those of you who aren't Catholic, is a Broken Popener.

I spent the rest of the evening burning everything in the house that I could think of that might generate White Smoke in hopes that the smoke would be copious enough to reach Jolly Ol'2, where currently-blogospherically-sabbaticalling Xenia resides, and thus inform her that Teh Old Popener Was Dead And We Needed A New One, but it didn't Effin Work!1! Also? It may have been a tactical mistake because our house doesn't have a fireplace3.

I Effin Forgive Effin Xenia, though. Not because Teh P'ener was a crappy tchotchke4 to begin with and was living on borrowed time right from the moment it popped its first cap off a bottle o' beer ... no, that's not why. I forgive her because, as I said right in this here post, the whole POINT of the Popener is NOT to have one so you can complain about how you don't have one and how everyone else who has one is less worthy of it than you!1!! And now, THANKS TO EFFIN XENIA, I don't have one DESPITE my worthiness!1! Why does she hate and mistreat me so? What did I ever EFFIN DO TO HER?!1??

This here, below, will give you an idea of the color Ian's bedroom walls now are:

That's a robot with spiky hair and freckles that Ian painted on the wall, which has since been painted over. The original version of the robot also had a penis and n*ts@ck, but Teh 'Bride, who is evidently a prude, made Ian go back up to it with a paint brush and neuter it. After which, it sorta looked like this for awhile.

But it got better5.

1 Fucking lucky for Fucking Xenia that I fucking gave up cursing, especially the "F"-Word, for Fucking Lent1a!

1a I did, of course, negotiate a Footnotal Exemption on This Lenten Prohibition of Teh Word "Fuck". Teh 'Dad, you see, was Jesuit-trained and I learned the Society of Jebus Tergiversational skills at his knee.

2 I.e., England.

3 But it will when we get the insurance money and start rebuilding.

4 Spellcheck didn't know the word "tchotchke" and tried to convince me that the word I wanted was "crotchless".  Fucking Xenia, don't you DARE send me a crotchless Popener as a replacement, you FUCKING HEATHEN!1!

5 On the off-chance that you read this post FUCKING XENIA, I want you to know I included that picture to show you there are no hard feelings because I know how much you like that picture.


  1. Oh no!! The Popener broke??? What a bummer!!

    Hey - thinking about making some beer at home - how difficult/easy is it to get started??

  2. Fu..u..n..n..n..ny.

    You have a gift for finding pictures to pair up.

    That'll be the day when you refrain from using the F word for 40 days.
    F-ing footnote exemption!

    I'm touched that you would actually change something you wrote on account of me. After all, it's YOUR blog. But I WILL sleep better with the change and knowing that you won't be throwing Granny darts my way (this time, anyway). Thanks, G

    Speaking of Granny, the spellcheck for my last name comes up with "SENILE."

    I'll have to send you a Phillies bottle opener if Xenia doesn't get smoked out (she will).
    :) Ann

  3. You've made my day, G. I FINALLY got a post tag on your blog. Is this what heaven feels like?

    What do you expect of Italian craftsmanship? And by Italian, I of course mean Chinese/Taiwanese or whatever country mass produced this piece of Catholic desecration.

    Lucky for you, I have two more popeners on hand so email me your address and I'll get one out to you. Also lucky (for me)...I'm going back to Italy next month so I can pick up some more for when yours breaks again and you b*tch about it on the interwebs. I should be canonized.

    And thanks for the photo. It always gives me a giggle.

  4. @B'Og - You can get everything you need from these guys. They're based in Minnesota, like SteveQ, so you know they're insane- er, I mean "good". Essentially, if you can boil water and follow instructions that are basically of the okay-now-at-the30-minute-mark-throw-in-the-hops-pellets variety, you should be able to brew a decent beer. It's child's play, really ... in that someone always ends up crying because she's cranky and needs a nap and/or a beer.

    But seriously, it's pretty easy. And a $25 recipe kit will brew up >2cases of good beer. WHAT A VALUE!1!

  5. Clearly, the construction of the Popenore was not addequate for opening bottled beer. Must be part of their way to limit consumption. Although that alcoholic consumption has never seemed to be a main goal of the Catholic Church!

  6. I will have to be careful with my popener. If we lived closer together I would offer to trade mine for a couple of cases of your beer.

  7. Ok, so 2 cases of beer seems a bit much to you. Maybe you make good beer. How does ONE case sound? Come on, work with me here...

  8. WHAT?! You actually USED your Popener? Mine is enshrined in a shadowbox never to be desecrated lest it end up like YOURS.

  9. You BROKE the Popener!!!! Oh MY!!!! You must have been rather...uh...enthusiastically...trying to open that beer. I'm pretty sure that's a sin.

    I think you should say three Hail Mary's as penance.

  10. I can't believe that you have desecrated the Popener in such a fashion. Some of us don't even HAVE Popeners, G., and there YOU are, treating yours with utter contempt. Such a prize should be hermetically sealed and watched over by a host of cherubim and seraphim. Instead, you use yours to get all liquored up. Don't blame us, mister, when you're roasting in hell.

    PS - Now he bottom Pope-y part resembles a marathon medal. You should probably just drill a hole in it, attach a ribbon and tell everyone that you were the first place finisher in the inaugural God's Marathon, defeating even Paula Radcliff and lil' baby Jebus.

  11. I prefer Northern Brewer here in St. Paul, but Midwest is okay. They only lack Popeners to be fully complete.

  12. G-I hope you and your family are OK with all of the flooding going on. Don't know if your in the midst of it all, but the news keeps showing various parts of Joisey looking like Noah's Ark will be needed.