Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Dudes! You Must All Learn That Gnome Means Noam

I just got my replacement Popener in the mail from Xenia and, at the risk of sounding like an ingrate, the first thing I noticed when I opened the package — and I noticed it with some dismay and chagrin — was that the Popener was accompanied by what Xenia herself called a "felt Gnome" (see picture):
I immediately recognized the implied insult in this addition: Xenia was insinuating that I was some sort of Depraved Gnome-osexual.
 Passive-aggressive note that accompanied the Popener and Gnome. If you read between the lines, you'll notice the Gnome-ophobic slurs and you'll also see where X implies I'm worse than Hitler. Sure, X! Call me HITLER then end with a smiley face — LIKE THAT MAKES IT ALL BETTER!1!

Well the joke's on Xenia because since the package arrived? I've fucked that Gnome seven ways from Sunday. And if it wasn't felt before, believe me, it's been felt now because I was ALL hands1! AND IT LOVED EVERY MINUTE2 OF IT!1!

The lesson here is if you're going to call me a Gnome-osexual, get it right: I'm actually a Noamosexual because I lurves me the political writings of famous American Dissident Noam "Cunning Linguist" Chomsky.

In any case, this is about as close as I'll ever get to saying "Thanks", Xenia, so just take what you can get. (That gnome sure did! And THEN SOME!1!)3

Just mapped out a 6.2-mile run, which I hope to start in about a half-hour.

UPDATE 6:30 a.m.: Ran 6.45 miles in an hour for a 9:18 pace.

1 "Hands" here being, of course, code for "penis".

2 Full Disclosure: I rarely last a full minute.

3 On the anticipated objectionss from some quarters that perhaps my disquisition on gnome-fucking goes just a bit too far, is a little beyond the pale:

I just last night started reading Shxpr's Two Noble Kinsmen (the last of the canonical plays that I have not yet read) and these here are the honest-to-Jebus first lines:
New Playes, and Maydenheads, are neare a kin,
Much follow'd both, for both much mony g'yn, [...]
New plays are like a virgin's cherry, quoth the fucking Bard!

I think my tales of gnome-fucking are restrained in comparison.


  1. I should have known I was sending that gnome to his ruin. One day I'll learn.

    And you're welcome, G. :)

  2. Awww! That's a cute little gnome!

    Xenia dear, are you making adorable crafts instead of finishing that blasted dissertation already?

  3. Common courtesy dictates that I should have linked at least once to Xenia's blog - which I hadn't done, so I just fixed that. Still, what's your problem that you couldn't find her on your own? She's been working on her PhD in Archæology for like 10 years! Just look in the nearest unemployment line!

    Hahahahahaha! I'm SUCH a DICK!1!

  4. Since X spends so much of her time in mud, does that mean she's loam-sexual? (Not that there's anything wrong with that.)

  5. Joy - Yes.

    G - I hadn't noticed the lack of linkage.

    Merry - No, but I did consider it for a brief moment in college. It was rather anti-climatic. (Haha! I iz funny.)

  6. Okay, the label at the end had me laughing out loud. But that doesn't mean I'm going to stay on topic... no, siree.

    The Mpls. police called me and asked me to pull the curtain on my bedroom window. They said that every time the crime scene investigators turned on their black lights, the glare from my place was blinding them.

  7. When are you going to get a .xxx domain? I mean, gnome fucking, virgin cherries, fucking Shakespeare and Noam Chompsky all in one post? I think you qualify.

  8. So (still not being relevant to the subject)... Prince William just had his bachelor party. Must be tough to put money in the stripper's G-string when your grandma's face is on it.